'AITA for telling my daughter-in-law I won’t watch her older kids?' 'She favors the youngest.'
"AITA for telling my daughter-in-law I won’t watch her older kids so she could take the baby on a vacation?"
My son and DIL have 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy. The girls are 3 and almost 1 and her son is 4. I’ve always believed she favors the youngest. With the older two, she was going back to work at 12 weeks, had them in daycare all day every day, didn’t breastfeed, and just seemed disinterested in becoming a parent.
It’s night and day with this baby though. She quit her job so the baby wouldn’t be in daycare, she’s into attachment parenting, refused to even try formula for this one, and refuses to go anywhere without her. They’re going to move for my son’s job and are taking the weekend to look at houses and explore the area.
My DIL asked if I could take the older two and when I asked about the baby, she said the baby would be coming with them. I asked why she was taking the baby and not the older two and she said it would be so much easier.
She doesn’t have to worry about the kids running around the stages houses, getting bored after touring 5 houses, getting tired, etc. and that the baby will happily stay in the carrier or in her stroller. She also mentioned that the baby has never been away from her and she doesn’t want to put her through 2 nights away from mom yet.
She also wants to take the baby out and she thinks it’ll be easier to check out the kid places with only one kid. I refused. I told her that I think it’s favoritism to take one kid on vacation and leave the others at home, especially when she already has a history of treating her better than the other kids.
The other kids would love to go on this trip and they won’t understand why their mom left them, but brought their sister. She says I have no right to criticize her parenting and that she does not have a favorite. I refused to budge and told her I’d take all of them or none.
She has a friend watching the older two now and told her that I am not allowed to see the kids this weekend because she thinks I’ll talk about her to the kids and cause problems between her and the kids.
My son thinks she’s overreacting but he also thinks I shouldn’t have said anything because I know she had ppd with the first 2 and she feels guilty about not being a good mom to the first 2. AITA for telling her she’s favoring the baby and refusing to watch the older two so she could take the baby on a vacation?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
sheramom4 said:
YTA. They are not "taking the baby on vacation." They are going to look at houses, which is a chore, in their new location. The baby is breastfed so how did you plan to keep the baby for the weekend? And the baby has not been away from mom so it would have been miserable.
What did your refusal and tirade accomplish? Well, you aren't allowed to see your grandkids, you missed out on time with the older two and since they are moving I doubt they will be making a lot of special trips in the future to see you.
Also, doing something different with the newest baby versus the older two is not showing favoritism or treating the baby better. DIL realized she would rather be at home or that childcare would be too expensive for three kids.
She struggled to breastfeed the older two for whatever reason and finds the third easier. Given how judgmental you are I find it unlikely that they will continue a relationship with you.
bokatan778 said:
YTA. Not for saying no to babysitting, but for your reasoning here. It’s a lot easier to hold a small child/baby while looking at homes plus traveling than dealing with two TODDLERS plus a baby. You certainly aren’t obligated to watch any of your grandchildren, but your reasoning sounds a little ridiculous.
Honestly, it sounds like you just don’t like your DIL. You’re just using this as another opportunity to criticize her. So she’s made different parenting choices with her third child? That’s pretty normal, as you learn what works best for you after the first one or two. Sounds like you should start getting ready to not see ANY of your grandchildren very often anymore.
gumbuoy said:
YTA. It’s not a vacation. It’s going to look at houses and figure out where they can live. Also, they’ll be moving away so why aren’t you taking as much time with your grandkids as possible before that happens?
Sami_George said:
YTA for your reasoning. I was going to say it seems like she had PPD with her first two, and then you said it in that last paragraph. She isn’t a bad mom and they aren’t going on vacation, they’re going to look at houses.
The older two would’ve had their own vacation with you, which is now instead with a friend. And if the baby is still breastfeeding, of course she can’t leave the baby. You chose to judge your DIL, but I didn’t see you mention your son’s decisions on this once. You’re very quick to blame this all on her and that is concerning.
ileisen said:
YTA massively, OP. Bitter is the correct term here. If you don’t want to watch the kids for a few days then say so. But it’s not unreasonable for a mother to want to keep her infant with her while she’s breastfeeding.
Comfortable-One8520 said:
YTA. I'm a MIL with DILs. I'm a grandma. You've just torpedoed your relationship with your son, DIL and grandkids in order to make some weird point.
FactHonest5986 said:
YTA. Starting with your misleading post title and just ramping up from there. Daycare is FINE. Formula is FINE. Working to help support your family and make sure you can always support yourself and your kids if you have to is GOOD. She sounds like a fine mom, even in your biased telling, and you sound like a judgmental beast.
buttweave said:
YTA for being so cold to someone who experienced PPD and then to act like them going house hunting with a reasonable request is a vacation. I'm praying they go no contact because if you're this cruel to your DIL in front of strangers, I can only imagine how much worse you are to her in real life.