'AITA for telling my daughter she actually has to do things to get celebrated?'
"AITA for telling my daughter she actually has to do things to get celebrated?"
Odd_Importance8932
I have a 16-year-old daughter, Katty, and a 14-year-old Jake. Jake is more of an achiever—he’s involved in sports, does great in school, and recently won an award for community volunteering. We have been celebrating his achievements, usually with a dinner out. Katty, on the other hand, doesn't do much. She hasn’t been putting effort into anything lately.
She basically just goes to school and then exists in the house—she spends her free time on her phone or watching TV, doesn’t have any hobbies or interests outside of her friend group, and doesn’t put much effort into schoolwork.
This results in her not getting many celebration outside of her birthday. We stopped forcing her to do sport or other clubs when she hit highschool. Katty came to me and said she feels like it’s unfair we celebrate Jake, and I decided to have a conversation with her.
I sat her down and explained that we love her just as much, but if she wants to be celebrated like Jake, she needs to put effort into something. I suggested she try finding something she’s passionate about or work harder in school. That she should make her own goals to work towards. I thought I was being honest but gentle.
Katty did not take it well. She exploded, accusing me of playing favorites and said it was unfair that Jake gets all the attention just because he’s always doing things. She even lashed out at Jake, telling him that he was “the golden child” and she was tired of hearing about how great he was.
Jake was hurt by her outburst, and now things are awkward between them. Katty has been avoiding both me and her brother since then, staying in her room or giving us the silent treatment. My husband thinks I could have phrased it better, but I believe this was an important reality check for her. If she isn’t doing anything then their isnt anything to celebrate.
Edit:
For everyone claiming I never talk or am around my daughter. She literally just went Apple picking with her father this weekend.
I am spending almost everyday teacher her how to drive, we went shopping and a spa day earlier this month, her father is teacher how to change tires and how to work basics of the car. That’s been happening every weekend for months. Me and her have been watching a show every thrusday with her for months. That’s just this month.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Important-Nose3332
NTA. Makes perfect sense to me. Im assuming yall would celebrate her bday, graduation, etc… does she think people are just going to throw parties for her for no reason? She’s old enough to learn that’s not how to world works.
Maybe get her into therapy. Sounds like she’s in some sort of woe is me spiral, maybe some outside perspective would help her get on track or at least understand why people who work hard and achieve things get celebrated for them, while people who do not, do not.
perfidious_snatch
This is why it’s better to celebrate effort rather than achievements - some kids have an easier time achieving than others, and constantly celebrating other kids achievements is hugely demotivating for a kid who’s trying their heart out but not getting the same results.
It can also lead to the more “gifted” kids not learning to really work for things that don’t come easily to them, and when they start to face challenges as adults, can tend to burn out or crash and burn. It’s little wonder that your daughter is feeling the way she is. You say she just needs to ‘put effort in’, but you still only plan to celebrate achievements.
Odd_Importance8932 (OP)
I can’t even celebrate effort because she isn’t doing anything. She comes home and watches tv. That’s why I suggested a goal for her to go towards.
tinymi3
So NTA because this feels like a mismatch of expectations, but it's really worth reframing your perspective. Achievements are so subjective. like sure, getting A's and awards are a standard concept of achievement - but so is getting B's, or saving $100, or redecorating your room, making friends or even just being a good friend, putting together an awesome outfit, getting somewhere on time.
Everyone is on a different level but it feels like your benchmark of "success" or even effort is the same for everyone regardless of skills or interests.
Instead of pushing her to "achieve" something based on someone else's (her brother's or your) barometer and definition of a goal, you should talk to her about what SHE feels like she's achieved or put effort into recently.
Not only would that bring you closer into her world and psyche and help you both realize what she's capable of (or what she wants from her life), but it would develop trust and make her feel valued for who she is - not who you wish she would be or think she should be. It's not just about celebration, it's about appreciation and feeling that YOU are putting effort into recognizing and loving her.
EDIT: some of y'all are missing the point. helping your kid develop their own sense of achievement is so wildly valuable for their mental health and enjoyment of life.
Feeling obligated or bending backwards to chase other people's ideas of success or measure your worth by someone else's yardstick is a waste of life. This is applicable to anyone, not to mention the immeasurable value of this for neurodivergent folks.
Typical2sday
NAH. You both have a point. Celebrations are for achievements; she needs to pick something to work toward and do it, rather than melt into her phone or TV. Just doing the bare minimum isn't really an achievement, nor meriting a celebration. Say YOU yourself want a celebration.
But it sucks to not get attention, and she is telling you your love and affection feel transactional and uneven. Hear that. This breeds resentment with you and with her brother.
She sounds like an introvert, and it's not like Jake is digging ditches for homeless veterans - a lot of his activities do probably qualify as fun, social hobbies that happen to have objective social value. He's having fun in a way he enjoys and you're praising him. Find something Katty wants to do that suits her, and work with her to do it.