'AITA for telling my daughter that the birth of her baby bothers my wife?'
"AITA for telling my daughter that the birth of her baby bothers my wife?"
Emotional-Local7610
I (57 M) have been married to my wife, Jennifer (55 F) for the last 10 years. I have a 25 year old daughter, Cassie. Jennifer and Cassie developed a great bond over the years which was beautiful to watch as Cassie hadn’t had a lot of mothering. Cassie’s mother became a hardcore drug addict and her parental rights had to be terminated completely.
Cassie is all grown up now and they had a beautiful relationship up until three months ago. Cassie had a baby boy and when he was born we went to the hospital to see him. It was a great day, everyone was happy and holding the new baby, Jennifer included.
When we got home Jennifer said she needed a shower and went into the bathroom. We have a double shower and I decided I’d join her. I was chatting and adjusting my shower head when I noticed she had her back to me.
Instinctively I knew something was wrong and I turned her around to see that she had been sobbing. She had been trying to hide it but when she saw that I knew she completely broke.
Jennifer had a daughter who passed away who would be the same age as Cassie if she were still alive. She died about a year before we met under very tragic and traumatic circumstances. I know over the years seeing Cassie reach all her milestones and wondering what could have been for her own daughter has probably been hard but she almost never shows it.
I love my wife so much and in that moment the only thing I wanted to do was protect her from any further hurt. After we got out of the shower I lay with her as she cried herself to sleep. Here comes the part where I messed up.
There was going to be a welcome home dinner at Cassie’s house for all the family the following weekend. Cassie’s husband texted me while Jennifer was sleeping to ask that we bring something and I told him we might have to sit this one out. That Jennifer is having a hard time with the birth of the baby and that I wanted to be with her that weekend, but we would make it up to them later.
I thought everything was ok but when Jennifer woke up a few hours later there was a bunch of text messages from Cassie that were not nice at all. I was shocked. Jennifer has always gone out of her way to show a lot of love to Cassie.
Jennifer was devastated and has been trying to talk to Cassie but she won’t speak to her. That was three months ago and we haven’t seen the baby since the initial trip to the hospital.
Jennifer says she fully intended to go to the dinner and I had no right to decline on our behalf without talking to her first, and that if she really felt she couldn’t have gone she just would have made up an excuse at the last minute.
I really thought that Cassie and her husband knowing Jennifer’s past would have more empathy for her, that’s why I told them the truth, but it seems that was a mistake. Now everybody is hurting. Am I the AH?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
2npac
YTA...none of that was for you to tell. You made it sound like your wife had an issue with the birth of your grandchild when she was just trying to deal with her grief. You betrayed her in that instance by relaying that to your SIL.
JustOne_Girl
Yep, she has no issue with the birth of the baby, she was just thinking how her late daughter could have had a child by then too, and she felt sad and overwhelmed. Nothing about the new mom here.
DChristy87
While I completely agree it wasn't his place to say anything at all about her feelings... but in for a penny, in for a pound... He should have explained "She's very happy for you, it has just brought back memories of losing her daughter so she's processing those feelings." And any reasonable human being who has any empathy/sympathy at all should understand that.
the-furiosa-mystique
He shouldn’t have said ANYTHING before confirming it with his wife.
throwaway-rayray
YTA - you made dumb decisions all around and caused this issue. YOU should be apologising to your daughter and spouse, and taking full responsibility for speaking out of school noting that it was never Jennifer who planned to miss that important event. It’s not on Jennifer to keep trying to talk to her to fix what you broke.
LuvlyxRose
I agree. You should take responsibility for your actions. You made the decision to speak on behalf of both yourself and Jennifer without discussing it with her first, which is a big mistake. It’s unfair to put the burden on Jennifer to fix things when it was your choices that created the rift. You need to apologize to both your daughter and wife to start mending the situation OP. YTA.
mynamecouldbesam
Of course YTA. Don't make decisions for your adult wife. Don't assume you know what's best for her. She's an adult, not a child. Second point - Don't air your wife's dirty laundry. She confided something very personal to you, and you immediately told everyone her innermost thoughts??????? I'd never confide in you again. You're not trustworthy.
Icyblue_Dragon
And also, his daughter had her first child. One of the most important moments of her life. She just had this extremely life altering experience full of emotions and hormones. And her father makes it all about his wife. This might not be true or fair or anything but imo this is how Cassie felt about this.
New-Number-7810
YTA. What your daughter heard was “My wife wants me to pull away from you, and I’m doing it because I love her more than I love you.” Of course your daughter responded by sending your wife hurtful texts! She now believes your wife is trying to drive a wedge between the two of you.
The sad thing is that, by your accounts, your wife was not an evil stepmother. She was kind and respected boundaries, but her relationship with your daughter was damaged by your actions.