'AITA for telling my DIL that I will never be her mother and to leave me alone?'
"AITA for telling my DIL that I will never be her mother and to leave me alone?"
This is mostly about my daughter-in-law (Kat). Her mother ran out on her when she was a child, and she went into foster care. According to my son, she’s currently seeing a therapist.
My issue with Kat is that she has repeatedly stomped on my boundaries. She’s a very touchy person, she refuses to call me by my name and only refers to me as “Mom.” I correct her every time since I’m not comfortable being called “Mom” by her, and I want her to use my name.
There have been multiple times where she’s asked inappropriate questions, mostly about why I’m not close to my own mother. (For context, my mother was horrible) Kat keeps pushing for details and insists I should get closer to her because “family sticks together.”
She basically tells me to forgive my mom, and she doesn’t understand not being close with one’s parents. I’ve told her to drop the topic multiple times, and she refuses. Because of all this, I’m not a huge fan of hers.
I’ve spoken to my son about it, and he asked me to be patient. I’ve also talked to Kat multiple times and asked her to respect my boundaries. She always says she will, but then goes right back to ignoring them.
This is where I might be the jerk: My daughter Sam (20) and I are taking a weekend trip. Sam has medical issue and needs to see a specialist a few states over. She hasn’t disclosed the issue to the rest of the family yet (she plans to when she has a firm plan).
Somehow, word about the trip got back to Kat, and she called me asking why she wasn’t invited. I told her it’s an important trip and not a fun one. She accused me of lying, claiming it was a “mother-daughter” trip that she was excluded from.
I told her again this is not a girls’ trip. She wouldn’t let it go and started demanding that she come, saying that she’s my daughter and needs to be there. I said no again. She kept insisting, saying I am her “mom”and she has to come on this trip since is my kid.
That’s when I snapped. I told her I will never be her mother. Just because she married my son does not make me her parent. I told her to leave me alone and that even if this was a mother-daughter trip, she still wouldn’t be invited, because she isn’t my kid. I then hung up.
My son says I need to apologize and invite her. That I am a huge dick to her. That I was way out of line and need to make it up to Kat. The situation has spread to the rest of the family, and everyone seems to have their own opinion.
Sam is getting flack too, which isn’t helping especially since she doesn’t want to disclose the reason for the trip yet. Am I being an AH and need to apologize even tho those are my true feelings on her trying to make me her parent.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your DIL is trying to use you to heal her mother wound instead of trying to build a relationship with you organically. She sounds insufferable t0 be honest.
That 100% what she is doing, she it trying so hard that she is pushing people away from her. No one wants to be around someone who stomps on your boundaries and doesn't show basic respect to you. It isnt rocket science to call someone what they want to be called, keep your hands to yourself or not bring up sensitive topics.
NTA. You don’t just have a DIL problem, you also have a SON problem. He is clearly enabling whatever delulu world she lives in. Keep enforcing your boundaries!
NTA. Firs block her #. Only communicate through your son. Second, explain to your son that you are not required to ignore your boundaries to make someone else comfortable. That no is a complete sentence. That you're not required to apologize for getting frustrated that she doesn't listen to your needs, wants or boundaries.
That you don't owe her one explanation, let alone many. Ask why you would willingly take a trip with someone who chooses not to listen to you. Who constantly disrespects you. Why would you subject yourself to that. And what works you be expected to. Why should you be miserable on a trip? And why should your daughter be subjected to that?
A thousand times NTA. Kat wanting a mother doesn’t mean you are her mother or will ever be her mother. Yes, you snapped but only after repeatedly asking her to respect your boundaries, asking your son to help his wife respect your boundaries. Kat is not the victim here despite what she’s trying to prove. She’s the AH.
NTA. You did not marry her. Your son did. She is your son’s wife. I think you were right to be honest with her because she wasn’t taking the hint and not really hearing you all those other times. Shut your son down and say:
“I understand that you want peace, and I respect your role as Kat’s husband. But I need you to understand something clearly: I have been respectful and patient with Kat for a long time, even when she repeatedly ignored my boundaries.
I’ve asked her not to call me ‘Mom.’ I’ve asked her not to pry into painful family issues. I’ve tried to be kind, but she keeps pushing. This trip was never meant to exclude her nor did it have anything to do with her at all it’s in fact a private matter concerning Sam’s health, and frankly, it’s not her place to demand access to that.
When someone consistently refuses to respect clear boundaries, there comes a point where I have to firmly assert them. That’s what I did. It wasn’t about being mean for me it was about finally being heard.
I don’t owe anyone the title of ‘Mom.’ That’s earned, not assumed through marriage. I am willing to be civil and kind, but she must respect the relationship for what it is and not what she wants it to be. I will not apologize for standing up for myself, especially when I’ve tried the gentle route and been ignored. Kat is not my daughter, and this trip is not about her. That’s final.”