'AITA for telling my 3x divorced daughter that her boyfriend can’t be in family photos?'
"AITA for telling my 3x divorced daughter that her boyfriend can’t be in family photos?"
My son is getting married to his long time girlfriend next month. A few weeks ago, he approached me that his fiancée does not want my daughter’s new boyfriend in the family wedding photos.
My daughter has been divorced 3 times in 8 years. While all three have been difficult situations for her and the current bf seems nice enough, we’ve only known him 7 months. We have had a lot of family photos that she insists we must destroy.
With that thought in mind, my son and his fiancee have decided that while the new guy can be in random photos and even a photo with just them and the bride/groom, they do not want him in any photos they may not want to destroy later.
Thinking it would be best if I handled it, I volunteer to tell her. I got with the photographer (my best friend) and we made a list of planned photo groupings and named who would be in those photos.
There were some that included the new guy, but he was not in any family photos except for one that had both friends and family in it. I casually show her the list telling her I’d had this great idea to make a list to help keep photo time at a minimum.
She immediately noticed the discrepancy. She told me in no uncertain terms that she would not attend if we planned to embarrass her bf this way because his family has included her in birthday photos, and wedding photos already.
She called my son and he confessed that it was his idea. Now she says not only will she not come, her son can’t be the miniature groom. She is accusing me of always seeing my son’s side. Was I wrong??
Update: so many asked about a mini bride/groom. She dresses in white and he dresses in a tux. He is carrying the ring. Sorry for the confusion. It is common where we are from.
Also, my future DIL is the one that encouraged me to make the post. I was very upset at the moment and hated to see a rift in my family. Seeing some comments, I wanted to say that she does consider her relationship serious and they they have moved in together.
Also, the future DIL cheated on my son 3 years ago at a party with my daughter’s then BIL. My daughter cut him off ( her then BIL) and would not allow him to come back to her house. This clearly led to animosity in that marriage. My son told her he forgave his gf ( not fiancée at the time) and told her to let it go, but she said she could not because of her loyalty to her brother.
He tried to get her to understand that he was past it and wanted her to be, as well, but she could not get past it. Now she feels wounded because she expects the same loyalty. DIL now feels awful and says whatever just let him ( current bf) in the photos.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. If she's had three husbands and she insists that no photos of her previous husbands are allowed to exist in the family, then she shouldn't be surprised when people don't let her new boyfriend in pictures just in case.
Idk what a miniature groom is but your daughter is ridiculous. 7 month bf after 3 divorces? She can fake embarrassed all she wants, no one has to have her flavor or the month in memories they plan to cherish for a lifetime. Definitely NTA.
3 husbands in 8 years? Yeah no. I wouldn’t be taking this one seriously at all.
NTA. My family takes Christmas photos every year. My mom's solution...one photo with the girlfriend/boyfriend, one without. My brother has had two 4+ years relationships.
My mom loves the photos and simply swapped out the hung photo once my brother and his girlfriend broke up. We can keep the family photo up. The memories of that day were special and we don't have to keep a picture of an ex in our home or trash a cherished photo.
She has a history… of expecting other people to destroy photos that SHE didn’t pay for. Why not tell it to her like it is… something along the lines of “we’ve destroyed enough pictures just because an ex happened to be in them.
Pictures are meant to last forever. We won’t be destroying any more. If that means your bf can’t be in them, so be it”. I’ve had FWBs last longer than all 3 of her marriages put together.
NTA. I am so confused. Why would someone she’s just dating be in any wedding photos at all? Why have you been destroying 8 years of family photos because her exes were in them? Get him photoshopped out if you want to, but no one should dictate you destroy your own photos.
Tell her that if she refuses to come unless the man she just started dating 7 months ago joins in all the wedding photos, then that’s her choice. You will miss her and feel hurt and perplexed why a bf would be in any wedding photos.
You also want her to know that, moving forward, no more family photos will be destroyed because she broke up with someone. You’ve given up almost a decade in photos, and that’s enough.
He isn’t family for one. And two she demands old photos be destroyed bc she can’t keep a relationship. Frankly she can stay home if she’s that pressed. But considering she isn’t paying for the photos she can STFU.
So she is having a temper tantrum because the newest bf can’t be in the pictures and she is throwing out threats about not coming to the wedding or let her son be an attendant to manipulate everyone into getting her own way. Why should anyone give into her and make her even more entitled?
Tell her that it’s her decision whether she attends the wedding or not, but the decision to not include her bf is not going to change. She is acting as if this wedding is all about her-not the bride and groom and she needs to respect their decisions. End of story.