'AITA for telling my ex that our divorce wasn't the only consequence of his affair?'
"AITA for telling my ex that our divorce wasn't the only consequence of his affair?"
So my (42F) ex-husband (40M) cheated on me about 2 years ago. The affair lasted for almost a year before I found out, and when I did, I immediately filed for divorce. It was messy, but we got through it. We have two kids together (13F and 10M).
He ended up moving in with the woman he cheated on me with about six months after the divorce was finalized. I’ve done everything I can to encourage the kids to maintain a relationship with their dad—reminding them to call, making sure they pack their stuff for his weekends, even biting my tongue when they come back and complain about her.
I never talk badly about him in front of them, because I don’t want to be that parent. But here’s the thing: the kids have gotten colder and colder toward him. At first, they were just kind of awkward, but now they don’t really engage much when they’re with him.
They come home and tell me they don’t like going over there because “dad only cares about her” or “dad doesn’t listen when we’re upset.” I keep telling them it’s okay to tell him how they feel, but they say he gets defensive or tries to guilt-trip them.
The other night, he called me frustrated, saying, “I don’t know why the kids are being so cold and distant. I’ve tried everything, but they won’t warm up. You must be saying something to them.” I told him flat out, “I don’t badmouth you to the kids. They’re old enough to remember what happened and to feel hurt by it.
Affairs don’t just break marriages—they break families. You made a choice that hurt not just me, but them too. If they’re cold, it’s because they’re still processing that you betrayed our family, not because of anything I said.”
He got really quiet and then blew up on me, saying I was “poisoning” the kids against him by “reframing the past” and that I was cruel for throwing the affair in his face years later. I told him I wasn’t reframing anything—it happened, it hurt us all, and the kids are dealing with the fallout whether he likes it or not.
Now he’s telling mutual friends that I’m manipulating the kids and “weaponizing” the affair, and some of them think I shouldn’t have said that to him because it “keeps the wound open.” So, AITA for telling him it’s his fault that our kids don’t like him anymore?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
mikoline97 said:
NTA. This is called “paying the consequences of actions.
PrestigiousTrouble48 said:
Move to a court approved parenting app for all communications. You don’t deserve to be abused and you are no longer responsible for his relationship with his kids or his grown up feelings.
its_ash_14 said:
The kids wounds are open. But have you put them into therapy? It also doesn't help he moved in with the AP so fast. They didn't get time to process regardless of timeframe. He's going to hate when they can decide if they want to keep going over there or not.
mportantNebula1685 said:
NTA. He appears to be essentially blaming you for his inadequacies as a parent. Bringing up the fact that he cheated isn’t a weapon. It’s the cold hard truth. He is seemingly having a tantrum because there are long lasting consequences for his previous behavior.
Life_Temperature2506 said:
Of course NTA. You're being more than fair to him. Their (possible) hatred of their dad (and step-skank) is organic, not learned.
LeoMarcoPolo said:
NTA. He's more worried about saving his ego and feeding into his delusions rather than actually focusing on maintaining a healthy relationship with his children. And he just wants someone to blame for people acting differently towards him after he did something that was bound to affect others.
You're not in the wrong for telling him that it was his actions and his actions alone that ruined his family. You did nothing wrong but tell him that this is all of his fault and he refuses to acknowledge that.
I think you should either let your children have a say in visiting him and talking to him, or you should tell your ex-husband that he needs to actually listen to his children without having any type of input.
Level-Extension-1936 said:
NTA - it is not your job to maintain a relationship between your kids and their dad. It is his job to do that now that you are divorced. I do suggest some therapy, for everyone, but especially the children. Divorce can be so hard on kids, even if cheating isn’t the reason.
You also need to set up some boundaries when it comes to the kids coming home and complaining. Let them know you will listen but you should be neutral about it and only say something to the ex if it is something that crosses a line(like actual mistreatment of the kids). You need to be a safe space for them.