Hello people of Reddit. This is not my main account but this is my first time posting. I will give you as much info as I can ... please go easy on me. Background Info:
I (M28) used to be engaged to Ally (F26). She is a beautiful women with a kind heart and an even kinder soul. We met in university and were inseparable ever since.
About 1 year ago I proposed to her, she said yes; my family was happy, her family was happy, and I thought it was going to be happily ever after. Right after we got engaged she started acting weird towards my family and she started saying stuff like how I prioritize them over our relationship and that I'm codependent etc.
At first I thought it was just engagement/marriage jitters or culture shock but over time she started giving me ultimatums (one that eventually led to the dissolution of our engagement) whenever something came up with my family.
Family info:
I am Indian (from India) came to Canada when I was 1 . I have two younger sisters ages 17 and 21. My dad passed away when my youngest sister was 2 and I was 12.
My mother is a very strong woman who went from a SAHM to working and taking care of three kids (My deepest respect to all you mothers out there). I had to step up for my mother and sisters since then and hence I am very attached to them. My relationship with my sisters are mix between parent and older brother; they tend to come to me for stuff before they go to my mother.
Ally (Allison) is from the UK, she moved to Canada when she was 7. She has an ever so light cute British accent. Her father and mother are divorced and have remarried. She has an amicable relationship with both step-parents.
She has one step-sister (23F possible sociopath and serious creep) on her mom's side and a step-brother (16M, An Angel incarnate) on her dad's side. She is not close with her sister but she does talk to her and she has a friendly relationship with her brother. Also she lives with her dad.
The AITA:
So before our breakup she made a reddit post about me and how I am "codependent on my family".
The comments on that post said that my family is toxic, and I need to set boundaries, how everything I am doing is a red flag, and that she needs to cut and run because I will ruin her life.
Apparently the amount of people who commented for her to leave our relationship was enough to convince her to breakup with me. So she came to me with an ultimatum; either I go low contact with my family or she will leave me.
I told her NO and so she packed up and left that very same night; no discussion, no explanation. I loved her, I still do, and to me she was just as important as my family, but I'm not cutting of my family just because she said so.
I tried reaching out to her, her friends, parents, even her colleagues, but no one knew what was up with her. See at this point I did not know about the Reddit post. After a few weeks she called asking to meet up, and so we did. She told me needed time think about everything and that she felt like she was second place in my life to my family.
I tried telling her that was not true and how much I cared about her, but then she brought up the ultimatum again. At this point I got irritated and was starting to get mad. Then she showed me the reddit post and how you people agreed with her.
The she told me how she can't be with me if she wasn't the most important woman in my life while showing me all the Reddit people who were supporting her. I once again tried to tell that wasn't true and that she was just as important, but she wouldn't listen.
I told her we can talk again after she calms down but that apparently triggered her. She started insulting me and calling me names, then she started saying some mean things about my family. So I said "screw this I'm done". She started bawling at this point and said that reddit was right and called me some choice names. So I said "Boohoo cry me river" and promptly left.
I needed some time to introspect and it has been a few weeks since then and I am drinking alone in a hotel room on a trip that I booked for both of us writing this out. I am asking the root of my problem. Did I cross the line, am I the A'hole?
Link her post so we can read both.
Honestly the more I see his answers the more I think he's the issue:
He doesn't have the link and after your comment simply didn't answer anyone asking for it or even worst, anyone simply asking for more info. He uses tale tale signs of missing missing reasons like saying she dropped this on her out of nowhere and he doesn't know what he did wrong....
He says he loves her but every step of the day he acts in the opposite direction. He doesn't give a single example of a time his family may have lacked boundaries after going in detail about how they lost their dad and his mother had to join the workforce. He's only interacting with people consoling him, even the ones that chalk this to incompatibility without bashing either side are ignored.
He doesn't want a solution or a judgement, he wants to feel like he's right cause whatever people said on her post definitely hit a nerve. If there was nothing for her to be unhappy about he wouldn't be this vague.
Wow. I personally don't think a reddit thread would sway me so much UNLESS I reallllllly felt the same deep down. It's her true feelings she just used reddit to validate it. Was her post honest? Swayed? This matters.
Sorry guys, I honestly do want to reply to all of you but I'm a bit of mess and my brain isn't braining enough to go through them all. To start guys, we are not married. We broke up a less than a year after I proposed.
Ally and I have known each other for about 10 years now. We started as friends and she even met my family before we started dating. She knows my history and she knows the whole family dynamics. My family adores her and vice versa.
Even after I graduated and moved away she used to visit my family and stay over. It got to the point that my mum cleared out half my stuff so she could keep her stuff in my room.
We now live on the opposite side of the country, closer to her father. We spend Christmas with her family and then I fly home for the new year, sometimes she joins me.
I see my family twice a year; once during new years and then during summer for the girls birthdays. They're birthdays are a week apart. Most of our communication happens over messages and I call my mum for minute or two at night to check on her.
We dated for 4 years before we got engaged and not once in that whole time did she tell me she has problem with how I interact with my family. She talks to my mum more than I do.
A lot of people said that she has to be my number one and I can't split that place with anyone else but that makes no sense to me. It is like asking who do you love more, mum or dad? I love them all, they all have different places in my heart.
My mum gave birth to me, 18 years of blood, sweat and tears to raise me; my siblings who always have my back, for whom I will protect till my last breath. I love Ally just as much but in a different way.
In a future where we had gotten married, yes the rest of my family would've taken a back seat to her; just as if we had a child, that child would become my greatest priority. For those who were asking what exactly her problems were with me...Apparently I'm too overprotective of my siblings.
I set ground rules for them, give them advice, send them some spending money. I've gotten less involved now that they're older, especially the eldest. Why I have to call my mum every night. Its just something I've done since I went to Uni, so for the past 9yrs. Its more force of habit at this point.
Those are the only things I remember her ever bringing up. There is one instance where I have bailed on Ally. It was during Christmas week. My sister had gotten into a car accident and so I flew back even though we had plans. Other than that I honestly don't know. We are both working. She has a 9 to 5 and I'm hybrid with a little bit of travelling involved.
About her post... Honestly I don't even know where to start. The whole thing started with when I asked her when she was free to go visit my mother. Indian families have this tradition where the MIL gifts the bride jewelry.
My mum wanted pass something on to her. She said she wasn't free and she didn't want it, so I said you don't have to wear it just take it as gesture. Then she said went on to say all this stuff about how my relationship with my family isn't normal and how its toxic and how I'm codependent.
She started going in circles and I started getting mad so I cut her off and told her to get to the point. She then gave me the ultimatum. Either cut down contact with my family or she needs to rethink this. I was pretty mad at this point and I just said No and she said fine and walked out.
After few minutes I calmed down and tried calling her but she wouldn't answer. The rest is as I've said. She went to her dad's wouldn't talk to me. Her dad said she needed some space so that's what I did, I waited for her.
2 weeks later she called me to talk. We met at a park and she told me she needed time think about everything and that she felt like she was second place in my life to my family.
Then she showed me the reddit post and how people were agreeing with her. The she told me how she can't be with me if she wasn't the most important woman in my life while showing me all the Reddit people who were supporting her.
At this point I was flustered and angry and all I was thinking was WTF. I barely glanced at the post and that too was mostly the comments how I'm a red flag and how she should dump my ass and that she can do better.
I have clicked on a lot of the posts people have been linking but so far no luck. FYI I saw this one post people keep bringing up about a mother coming from India... That's not it. Info for cross-referencing : Ally is 26, My mother lives in Canada, my family is very liberal not super traditional, I grew up here since I was 1.
To people who say I am the issue... Well I could be. People are oblivious to their own flaws. To people who said I wrote this to feel justified... Honestly I came to reddit looking for her post but ended up reading a lot of other peoples posts and thought why not write my piece.
Even if you guys ripped me a new one, I would accept it because at least then I could tell myself that I screwed up but as it stand I'm just confused and lost and sad with no clear answer. I do agree with everyone that the "cry me a river" was immature but I have very little patience for verbal abuse and no one is an exception to that rule.
This is all I could think of. Thank you strangers for listening to my woeful complaints, I especially appreciate the kind messages. I feel much better after putting everything down. Also Pls message me if you find her post and If anyone has crazy theories shoot them my way.
It’s almost as if she has been looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship, without it optically being her decision. Of course, as you already stated the “cry me a river” was too much, however I can also see how this was a highly charged emotional response to what you just found out.
If she’s been around for 10 years, I am certain the family dynamic is not the actual issue here. Unless, if you’re leaving her home alone at night so you can go eat dinner with them, neglecting her, not inviting her at all, etc…
I have not seen the ex-fiancée's post, but I'm zeroing in on your giving your siblings money as a likely cause of her dissatisfaction. Your family lives in the other side of the country and you only visit them a couple times a year, per you. I didn't see how anyone in their right mind could see that as intrusive or overbearing on your family's part.
Talking to your mom once a day is, perhaps, higher than average, but certainly not to a weird level, and I don't think anyone would bat an eye at it if you were a woman. I don't see why a son shouldn't be allowed to love his mother as much as a daughter does.
Lol!!
Reddit: He's the worst! Dump him!
Also Reddit: I can't believe she listened to Reddit! Dump her!
Bruh, she really hit you with the “Reddit said I’m right, so I am” defense? 🚩 Relationships aren’t a team sport where you recruit strangers for backup. You’ve clearly been trying to balance family and your relationship, but if she can’t handle a healthy bond with your family, maybe it’s a her problem. The “cry me a river” response? Harsh, yeah, but she gave you the vibe check first. Stay true to you.
Here's where I think a lot of relationships suffer, your partner can't and shouldn't be number one at all times. They should stay in your top 3 though. Being number one always isn't realistic and that pressure is hard to live by and live up to.
Years ago I told my partner that I know I'm not going to always be his first priority, but that I should always be in his top 3. I know there will be days work, family, or self care are going to be more important. However, if I'm not in the top 3 we need to evaluate the state of our relationship.