'AITA for telling my ex-husband his newest children are nothing to me and my extended family?'
"AITA for telling my ex-husband his newest children are nothing to me and my extended family?"
My ex-husband and I share custody of our two children (12 and 10). Our marriage ended in a way that caused a lot of conflict and resentment. He turned somewhat emotionally abusive when he told me he was done and he said he found me disgusting and repulsive and that he had wanted to cheat so many times because why the thought of sticking it in me made him want to puke.
He'd been off for a little while prior to that but the outburst was unexpected. It was unsettling because he'd brushed off his off mood as work stress and then he just unleashed all that stuff onto me. He later confessed to cheating twice.
Any hope for us to be friendly after the divorce ended with how he ended things. My family all hate him for how he spoke to me, But the kids don't know. I never wanted to drag them into this and once he wasn't treating them the same way I was happy they weren't mixed up in everything.
After a couple of years my ex-husband tried to act like nothing bad had gone down but I put some firm boundaries in place. I don't answer social calls or texts and eventually got a co-parenting app in place to make communication better.
I still can't block him but it means I don't need to respond via text at all. He attempted to act all buddy buddy when his new wife was expecting their first child together and he even tried to suggest my extended family could come to the baby shower. None of them were ever going to go and I certainly wasn't. But he's had this weird expectation for a while.
This bubbled over recently when we were attending a meeting with our youngest child's teacher. My ex-husband complained that my parents had seen him, his wife and all the kids in public but hugged ours and kept things distant with him, his wife and their children together.
He said they were already walking away but one of his younger kids wanted a hug. He said they never make the effort to be in his younger kids lives and he complained that I never make the effort either. He said we're all one family in some way or another.
This is where I might have been an AH because I told him his newest children are nothing to me and my extended family. That yes, they are the half siblings of my kids but that I am not their aunt or their kinda mom figure or their family friend. I told him he destroyed any chance for friendship with how he treated me and my family wasn't going to forget it either.
We didn't talk again about it during the meeting or after. I left immediately. But my ex-husband has texted repeatedly since then telling me how wrong it is to consider his children nothing and how our kids must be picking up on it because they treat each other better than the younger kids.
That was the first I heard of it. But the repeated texts have gone unanswered by me. But I can see where I may have been wrong to say that.
So AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. He is a very delusional. I can't understand why he expects you and your family to embrace children that are nothing to do with you. Also, after the way he insulted you he can go to hell.
Because then he and his wife can have alone time while he sends all the kids to OP and her family. I get the feeling he's looking for babysitters.
You beat me to it! I have to say when it comes to stepparents, that's what they expect from the older children. NOT COOL! "It's family. It's what's we do!" BS. When can kids & teenagers be just that? Sports. Friends. Music. Art. Pizza w/o young ones? Parents who do this, STOP HAVING CHILDREN if you don't want to care for them. Times are changing.
NTA.You set healthy boundaries after being emotionally hurt you don't owe him or his new kids anything especially after how he treated you.
NTA. Your kids are probably picking up on his expectations of you and your family. Plus, no matter how much you tried to hide his past behaviour from them, kids aren't as oblivious as we like to believe and can be quite aware even if they don't know the nitty gritty stuff.
It's on him and his wife to explain that you and your family aren't their family to their kids, because their expectations will be passed onto the kids. All that they are owed is politeness and civility when in the same place and that doesn't include physical affection, like hugs.
Well he's clearly a sandwich short of a picnic.
I’m betting ex and his wife don’t have extended family of their own, and believe yours should automatically step in and play happily families with them. Delusional, I must say.
NTA You owe him nothing. It sounds like he wants to brush everything under the carpet to pretend he’s a good guy. It’s up to your kids and your family if they want a relationship with the most recent kids, not your ex.
SweepBridgeEdge (OP)
That's exactly how he's been acting. Why he ever thought we'd just forget about everything that happened is beyond me. But here we are and he's still expecting it.
That moron is probably trying to use your kids as free labor in his home under the guise of "sibling bonding" updateme!
NTA. He just wants to use you all as free baby sitters. He is setting his kids up not you. Continue to pay him and his new family dust. You do not owe them anything.
Well isn't he a delusional tw@tw@ffl3. I'd have found it extremely hard not to laugh manically when he came out with something as absurb and tell him how utter ridiculous he sounds. Good luck co-parenting with this eejit for the next 8 yrs OP. You gotta become a duck and let it slide off your back. Just keep being an amazing mama. Those kids need you.
NTA, does he have none of his own family/grandparents for his other kids? Kids treat each other better than his kids cause I bet they feel like second class citizens at his house and each other is all they’ve got there.