'AITA for telling my ex-husband that he needs to sort out his priorities?'
"AITA for telling my ex-husband that he needs to sort out his priorities?"
I (34F) and my ex-husband, Jerry (35M) divorced around 4 years ago, and we have a 14 year old daughter together. He got remarried to his wife, Laura (33F) 2 years ago, and they have a son together (1 M).
My daughter's passion is ballet, and she's been training since she was 5. Her training company had put on a production of Swan Lake, where she played a double role of the leads. It was her dream project, and she was thrilled to do it. My ex-husband and I supported her all the way through rehearsals.
On the day of the show, I had arrived at the auditorium before the show started. I continuously kept on messaging Jerry as to when he would arrive, but he kept on telling me that he had to drop off his son to his first day in daycare before he came there. He didn't show up at all, and my daughter was almost on the verge of tears. However, she got thunderous applause from the audience, as she was perfect.
Later, my ex-husband called me up, telling me that his son started crying when he was about to drop off him to daycare, and he had to stay back to calm him down and put him to sleep, which delayed the entire thing.
I told him that his priority should be our daughter, and that his son has Laura to calm him down and put him to sleep. He called me selfish, and now he put his mom on my trail to berate me and call me selfish. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. He ditched your daughter's big moment for a crying toddler who had another parent home. You just told him the truth, he didn't like hearing it. That's on him.
He didn’t like it and he tattled to his mommy! I wonder why OP divorced him?
NTA, it is not uncommon for toddlers to cry when leaving their parents but it doesn't give him any excuse to not attend the show his daughter has been practicing for so much time.
You aren’t wrong but you can’t be his mom too. Let him bury himself.
Take care of your daughter.
Agreed, but his behavior is affecting the daughter, and as a loving parent, it's tough to see. I assume the dad will prioritize the new son in the future too, and will eventually ruin the relationship with the daughter. OP and the daughter will likely try a few more times before realizing he is a lost cause.
He had weeks to plan for both things..this wasn’t some surprise. Priorities matter and your daughter deserved better. You’re NTA.
NTA. He had his wife to help with their kids. Most importantly: their son won’t remember his first day at daycare, but your daughter will forever remember her father missed one of the most important moments for her. If she distance herself from him it’s entirely his fault.
You really have a right to feel livid at Jerry's flaky no-show, NTA. I mean, your daughter worked her cute lil' ballet butt off for that moment... And he just ditched her because some baby was bawling? That's straight up messed up. Like, sure, I get it, kids can be real pains sometimes... But you gotta have priorities, ya know?
And being there for your kid when they need you most is, like, numero uno in my book. I'm sure Jerry will learn his lesson eventually, after all, nothing keeps a man on his toes quite like an angry ex-wife and a daughter with major hurt feelings. Just hope he's not too late to make it right... Maybe we can all learn from this little drama and strive to be there for our kiddos when they need us most...
And hey, who knows? Maybe if Jerry puts in the effort, your girl will even invite him to her next recital, but let's be real, she probably deserves better than some deadbeat dad who only shows up when it's convenient. Still, a girl can dream.
ETF (EveryThing's f#cked) on this one, OP. Yes, your ex should have been there for y'alls daughter, but he has two children now. First day of daycare and the child experiencing separation anxiety is gonna derail a lot of people from forming a coherent thought beyond "calm the kid down" if they're even able to get that far.
All that said, your ex should have been more communicative about the situation, full stop, and he should not have his mother harassing you now. If she's taken that upon herself for some reason, he needs to her to back off.
Biggest thing, though, is that y'alls daughter will remember days like this. She will remember who showed up and who missed it. She will remember why, and she will draw her own conclusions and reactions to it all. Keep doing your best, and good luck to your daughter in her ballet.