'AITA for telling my ex she needs to 'figure it out' when it comes to her grandma's funeral?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my ex that she needs to 'figure it out' when it comes to hosting people for her grandmothers' funeral even through I am living in her 'grandmothers' house?'"

My ex and I got divorced earlier this year. When we were married, we bought her grandmothers' house. This house was built in the 1910s and had been in my ex's family since then. It is quite large. It was de-facto the house where my ex's family would stay when they came into town for anything (this continued into our purchase of the house and was a part of my decision to divorce her).

When we bought it, we primarily used my pre-martial savings and inheritance. That was five-ish years ago. When we got divorced, the court determined that the bulk of the house (90%) belonged to me in accordance with our post-nup agreement. My ex tried a number of scenarios where she would keep the house (or it would go into a trust for our kid) so it would stay "in the family."

The only thing I would agree to is selling the house, her buying me out, or me buying her out. We went with the latter because my ex did not have the money to buy me out. The day after Christmas, my ex's grandmother died. She had been sick for years and the reason we bought the house is because she could no longer live on her own and desperately needed money for end of life care.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, my ex's cousin shows up at the house with his family. He drove into town for the funeral on Thursday. Apparently, he and his sister texted my ex and said that they would be staying at "the house" (insider family term for my house) and she indicated she was ok with that.

I called my ex and asked her why she volunteered my house for hosting people. She apologized and said she had been running around getting things done for the funeral. But, she asked if I would be willing to host because they really do not have space for people without using the house. I told her "no" and that they need to get hotels or whatever else arrangements.

She said they do not have money to get everyone hotels and people are struggling financially. That there is plenty of extra room in the house. They could just be in the finished basement with their own bathroom, kitchen, entry, and exit. I told her "no." She got quite upset and hung up on me. I told the cousin and his family that they cannot stay. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Obsidianshrike wrote:

NTA. And all the people talking about his karma and the example for his son, you have zero idea what his relationship to her family has been. Sounds like he hasn't been thrilled for all the visits over the years.

Sounds like the ex and her family have an entitlement problem. If he opened the door now, for a funeral, then jeez, buddy, come on, it's Christmas/Little OP's B-day/Aunt Martha's knitting party. And not one text or call. Just a knock on the door. Whose karma is really on the line here?

Original_elephant_27 wrote:

NTA. Any single one of those family members had the opportunity to buy that house while it sat on the market for a year. None of them did. It could be a complete stranger who bought that house….would they still show up expecting a place to stay?

They need to come to terms with the fact that the house is no longer “in the family” unless you do happen to keep it for eternity and leave it to your son someday. Which would be nice, but not a necessity. Maybe you want to sell it and move when you’re older? You should have the freedom to do so.

Mithosyggdrasill1992 wrote:

NTA. If they really wanted so badly to keep the house in the family, all these tummy members could’ve pulled money together and then bought the house from OP. They didn’t, so it’s not their house to stay at anymore.

I get that it used to be in the family, and OP was part of the family for a while, but people come in and out of his house is why he divorced his ex. And now she’s trying to offer up things that aren’t even hers without even asking OP or giving him a heads up. Because she knew if she asked that he would say no.

mandatoryusername32 wrote:

NTA. You’re the new owner of the home. If it had been sold to a stranger would they expect the stranger to host them? You have the same level of connection to the family as that now that you’re divorced.

Fakebotsimp wrote:

Sounds like your wife has maybe not told her family that “the house” isn’t owned by her anymore.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: (1) People seem to be assuming the house was discounted to us when we bought it. It was not. It had been on the market for a year and the price had been decreased multiple times with no offers for the listed price at any point. We bought it for the initial price it was listed for (which was the appraisal price).

(2) My personal preference was that my ex buy me out of the house. She did not have the money to do so. My next preference was to sell the house. My ex begged me to keep the house. So, I agreed to do so.

(3) The trust idea she had would mean putting the house in a trust with a life estate to me and the remainder to my son. This would effectively prohibit me from selling the house.

I have no intentions of selling now, but I refuse to put myself in a position where I cannot sell in the future if I decide I need to do so. But, I do have a trust for my son now (3 years old) where he will inherit my assets at the time I pass away.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

Prize_Struggle2237 wrote:

I don’t know if you’re TAH in this particular scenario related to them turning up unannounced, but you do seem like TAH more generally 🫤

KayDeeFL wrote:

It is your home to do as you please. However, given the circumstances of the family death, and the former expectation that this particular house would be a place for other family members to stay.

You could choose to allow it this time based solely on circumstances and make it very clear that this is only because of the death and that going forward no one should ever expect to stay there without a personal invitation from you to do so. If you wanted.

AcceptablePea262 wrote:

NTA. It's her problem. Your ex's problems are not your problems, unless it's an issue with a shared child. But, if it were me, I'd have been very clear with the cousins- not only does she not live there, she doesn't have ownership in the house. What she should have done is when you offered to sell it, see if the family members could have come together and bought it in a family trust.