'AITA for telling an exchange student to not date my son and possibly ending my marriage?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling an exchange student to not date my son and possibly ending my marriage?"

So, I (40F) have two kids, my daughter Liz (12) and son Toby (19). I'm going to be honest, Toby has become a perverted degenerate.

Because Toby is his son, my husband (54) tended to spoil Toby a lot and indulge his interest (which included 18+ movies and my husband's stash of old Playboys). My husband would say 'he's a teenager, let him be' despite me telling him that Toby was growing to be a degenerate.

This was ESPECIALLY true for Asian women. We had an Asian cleaner (we're pretty well off), who Toby would hit on and harass until she smacked him across the face when he tried to lift her skirt. My husband wanted to press charges, but I threatened to divorce him if he did and I would make sure everybody knew what a pervert Toby was.

I made sure to give her a nice bonus before referring her to a friend, and then hired an older man in her place. Toby sulked for three months following that. I can already hear the comments "why threaten divorce when you could just do it", and it's because I didn't want to uproot Liz. I have been saving a small chunk of the weekly grocery money since she was born and have a lot saved in a secret account.

I originally planned to get the best divorce lawyer once Liz goes to college and leave him, but considering everything that happened these past few hours, I may need to move my plans up. I realized I was basically groomed not long after Toby began exhibiting that problematic behavior, and I think fetishizing 'exotic' women is hereditary, as my husband is white and I am Latina.

Most of the community knows I was groomed, so I have a lot of friends in the neighborhood because of it. They serve as my eyes, and it keeps Toby in check while in public (something that he makes clear annoys him).

Anyway, our neighbor recently had his prior exchange student come back for a visit (he hosted a few years back). For the sake of the post, I will call her Kimi. Kimi is incredibly bright and happy, she's always smiling and waving at people in the street. This would be all fine and dandy if she hadn't done so to Toby, who she caught coming back from hanging out with friends.

She was on my neighbor's front porch, having tea with my neighbor's wife, when they caught each other's eyes. To be honest, Toby was smitten, but I didn't trust it. I noticed he and Kimi would talk for hours on the porch the following week. And we even had her over for tea a few times over the course of that week.

Liz absolutely adores her, and the two would talk about fashion and the newest anime and man was (I have no idea if I spelt that right, but the Korean version of manga). Fast forward to two days ago and we're having tea with Kimi, my neighbor's wife, and I. Kimi asked if she could possibly date Toby, and both the neighbor's wife and I froze up.

I put down my cup and I was blunt, I told her Toby was a lot like his father in the fact that he doesn't see women as a gentleman should. I brought up the Asian maid, and told her Toby may look at her the same way, even if he doesn't seem to right now. I then explained my husband was the same way, love bombing and cherishing me, and I realized too late the kind of man he was.

My neighbor's wife cut in, saying that she knows I had tried to set Toby straight, but some nature is too strong to change. I then finished saying that if she did decide to date Toby, I would be honored. I also informed her I'd have her back if Toby ever tried to pull anything shady, and so would most of the neighborhood.

Kimi silently nodded, seemingly understanding. Now, Kimi is ignoring Toby. She came over this morning to pick up Liz for a shopping day, and Toby tried to say hi. But, she just ignored him and told me goodbye before Liz shut the door. Toby mumbled a slur while pouting, and I had enough. I rolled my eyes and said something along the lines of 'and that's why I warned her about you.'

I honestly didn't mean to slip up, but I was exhausted from not sleeping (I have chronic migraines). Toby looked at me, and it looked like heartbreak. But, I looked at him straight in the eyes and told him 'I tried to make you a gentleman, but you and your father kept acting like perverted asses. If you want to blame anybody, blame your father.

He allowed you to become this way'. Toby stormed to his room and I got a text from my husband an hour later, asking why I would sabotage my own son like that. I texted back basically the same thing, that I had enough of Toby looking at women like objects and that if he had been a good father, I wouldn't view my son as a pervert.

We had a chance to fix his behavior, but he enabled him. My husband is now furious with me, and Toby has yet to leave his room. Liz and Kimi are still out, and I texted my neighbor's wife to ask if the two can sleepover at her place since I have a feeling my husband is already going to start a fight with me.

The neighbor offered to come over and act as a mediator and shield (he's a big guy), and I took him up at that offer. I'm shaking, I'm scared, and I probably imploded my marriage. All because I warned a very kind girl about the kind of boy my son is. I feel like I'm about to throw up, I have no idea what my husband is going to do or say.

All I know is he's mad, Toby is mad, but Liz and Kimi are safe. My neighbor said he's going to be over before my husband gets home, and I honestly am left wondering if what I did is actually for the best. AITA for warning an exchange student about my son and ruining my marriage?

The internet had a lot of comments.

Writing_Dreams_2 wrote:

NTA, and holy s#$t, get the entire cavalry. The entire neighborhood is going to want a piece of him if he hurts you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP! Does Liz know her brother’s a pervert?

OP responded:

You're sweet, thank you. Liz does know, she never has friends over because she is scared Toby will try something.

Agreeable-Region-310 wrote:

Are you sure Toby hasn't tried something with his sister? Or cousins?

It isn't too late to teach Toby about boundaries and consent. What is legal and what is not.

OP responded:

My husband is an only child and all my family lives in my home country, so visits are rare. I don't think he's tried anything with his cousins, and even if he did, pretty sure his uncles and male cousins would beat the crap out of him. I have talked to Liz and she told me he's never done anything to her or her friends, but they say he gives off 'creep vibes' and just watches them from a distance.

Liz knows if anything does happen, I'm safe to talk to. Toby has ass#$lted people before, he was expelled from school twice before 16 for touching staff and peers (that was one of the first times I had him tested). So, he has a track record of this kind of behavior. It's why the whole neighborhood watches him.

Ever since his second expulsion, he hasn't had any legal trouble. The people he ass#$lted before dropped the charges once he was expelled and settled out of court both times.

[deleted] wrote:

Sounds like you’re taking your anger of your husband out on your son. The son sounds like his had problems, but keeping him an incel probably isn’t helping.

OP responded:

I tried for his entire teen years to get him to do something else aside from staying home. From clubs to sports, he didn't want to do any of it. He didn't like any of the community things (like fairs or markets) either. Even the library's book club didn't work out.

I've had him tested for any mental things (like ADHD or Autism) and he came out with nothing. I have no idea how to help him and my husband just enabled him. I love Toby, I just don't know what to do anymore.

A little over a month later, OP shared an update.

Hello everybody, I just wanted to clarify a few things before I update you all. Firstly, Toby is my son (I think a lot of people were under the impression that he was just my husband's, I guess I worded that strangely). Second, everything I have done to try to prevent any form of escalation of Toby's behavior was dismissed by my husband. Any punishments were immediately reversed when he got home.

Thirdly, I got Toby tested for any form of mental disability after his first expulsion (he's been expelled twice), and he is neurotypical as far as the test go (I got him tested for ADHD, ASD, OCD, and BPD). Fourth, my husband has never been violent towards my children and I, if he's upset, he'll direct that energy to something else or activity.

Fifth, it feels like a lot of people thought I was 'stealing from my family' by skimming money from the grocery budget. But, it was just spare change and notes from after my shopping trips. It's not like I was stealing the entire grocery budget. And finally, yes, I can hear and understand the 'why haven't you left' or 'why didn't you do this?'

It's taken a lot of talking between my family, friends, and now you people of Reddit, for me to realize Liz and I didn't deserve this, ESPECIALLY Liz. So, now for the update, I am filing for divorce. I packed Liz up and took her back to my home country for 'girls time' with her cousins. While there, I made and had a virtual appointment with two different lawyers from the same firm.

They are currently drafting the paperwork, but they also recommended I talk to local law enforcement about a possible protective order against Toby and my husband. Given their behavioral tendencies, I may consider it. And before everyone comes after me for 'abandoning Toby', this hurts me too.

But, at this point, I have to protect Liz. And if I plan to have full custody of her (which the lawyers said was highly guaranteed if Toby continues to live with my husband), I need to separate myself from them.

I'm still in my home country, talking to my family about everything. Just as I confirmed before, Toby has not gone after any of his cousins (I asked since I needed any additional accounts for legal reasons).

Right now, I'm okay, but honestly, I don't know if I'll update again. I just really want to put this entire situation at rest, so, I may see you guys again or I may not. But, thank you all for the support, advice, and courage.

The comments kept coming.

Bonemothir wrote:

Please be careful. Your husband may have international law on his side if you file for divorce while out of the country. Especially if you and Liz are not citizens of whatever country you are currently visiting.

You need to make sure that the legal firm you are working with is very familiar with international divorce and custody laws while you pursue this while outside the country you and Liz have been living in. Also, as a follow-up to your last post, no, "degeneracy" is not hereditary.

Fetishizing exotic women is not hereditary. These behaviors are not coded in DNA; they are taught, and your son was taught to behave this way by his father. Which also means you're going to need to think about your role in your son's life; I'd suggest you prioritize therapy for you and your daughter (separately) ASAP.

Apprehensive_War9612 wrote:

It was so obvious from the first post that OP is an a#$sed wife. Her husband has not had to get violent with her. The fact that he’s violent around her and the children is ab#$e. The fact that she needs to skim money from the groceries to have an escape fund indicates financial abuse. Enabling an encouraging the sons degenerate and misogynistic behavior is a#$se.

He has been ab#$ing his wife and his children, especially his daughter for years. And the fact that anybody would accuse her of stealing from her family because she holds on to a couple of dollars from the grocery budget is indicative of the way, so many people think that it is perfectly acceptable to ab#$e your family financially.

I am glad OP is getting out. I hope that her family has her back and her husband hasn’t been financially supporting her family in her country so that they encourage her to stay. Good luck OP!!! and make sure the lawyers go after every penny you can get.

[deleted] wrote:

You’re doing the right thing by protecting Liz and yourself. It’s heartbreaking, but sometimes distance is the only way to truly create safety and peace. Wishing you strength moving forward.