"AITA for telling ex's affair partner all the dirt?"
I’ll attempt to make a very long story short. I (40f) was with my ex (49m) for five years with a six month break. We live about an hour apart. I got a phone call from a girl before Christmas. She had found out about me- turns out he’d been seeing her since our break. She didn’t know about me either.
Upon being confronted he…just got worse. Told me I was the one and left her, told her the same thing. Said a lot of nasty things about her. I tried to think about some options to keep him around but the trust was gone and I realized nothing would fix this.
I did my best to block him on everything and specifically said please, leave me alone. He refused. Kept messaging me thru diff apps that I don’t even check much. I found an email from him in my spam folder this week saying that I know as well as he does we are meant to be together, blah blah. Broke my heart even further.
So I told her. He denied saying that so, at her request, I sent her screenshots.
I also sent her everything else.
Shots of anything he ever said about her. His contradictions. His techniques to get away with cheating. The way he treated me. Said he loved me. I held nothing back. I said show him this, I want him to know I am not afraid to say the truth and she needed to know too.
He emailed me again, again was in spam. He’s PISSED. Said I was running a smear campaign against him. Good, I’m glad he’s pissed. Maybe now he will leave me alone. I only told her the truth. No lies and not even exaggerations.
Aren’t smear campaigns lies and exaggerations? Didn’t she deserve to know? Doesn’t he need to be exposed? I think she stayed with him, wtf but now she knows what she’s dealing with.
AITA for telling her all this? She already knew he was a cheater but I wanted to make sure she knew the whole truth bc he’s a liar. I admit I wanted to hurt him too. But only with the truth so how is that a smear? I haven't heard from him since so maybe hes pissed enough to leave me alone.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
If I was the 'other woman' and I didn't know about it, I would want to know too! You did the right thing, NTA.
NTA. You did the right thing showing her. It’s up to her what she does with that info. Shame she decided to stay, but some people really struggle to let go even if the person they are holding on to is obviously terrible.
If nothing you said is a lie then it’s not a smear campaign, it’s just showing who he really is. One of my favorite sayings is “I didn’t make you look like a POS, your actions did that. I just stopped hiding them for you.”
QuickJackfruit6856 (OP)
I actually do feel bad for her. She’s a lot younger, got a lot of issues, and it probably feels like a lifeline for her. I don’t want to hurt her.
You aren’t going to hurt her. But he most likely will. There’s nothing else you can do about that though. You can’t force her to leave him, all you can do is show her who he really is and you did that. Unfortunately some people just have to figure it out the hard way.
NTA but I am concerned for your safety. Guys like your ex are known to get violent when they don’t get their way.
QuickJackfruit6856 (OP)
I’ve changed the locks, carry pepper spray. Not sure what else I can do other than ask for a restraining order, and would this even qualify? He hasn’t come to physically confront me.
No, end of story. Cheaters suck and deserve to be exposed. You did not smear him if you told the truth and sent her the messages and stuff he sent you. Like most cheaters he's narcissistic and thinks he's being wronged when he's the AH.
As much as people like to down play not getting involved, I’m an avid supporter of spreading business when they are unfit for society. This man is not only harassing you, but is classified as stalking and can be eligible for a restraining order. I advise this because he sounds extremely unstable and you should be worried about your safety.
You are so far away from being an AH, that I fail to see why anyone would assume otherwise. You are saving a life too. You are saving someone from STDS, getting caught in the cross fire of abuse, and worse.
QuickJackfruit6856 (OP)
Bc everything I read says revenge is not productive, not helping anyone. Walking away is the best thing etc etc- but I tried and he wouldn’t let me. I did make some observations about his member lol. Low blow but hey she’s seen it too, shouldn’t be a shocker. No lies.
NTA. Sending her screenshots of his own words isn't a "smear campaign". He's just upset he can't spin it to make him sound less guilty because they are his own freaking words.
NTA, but you are never going to be rid of the ex until you let him go. You are letting him live in your head, involving yourself with the other woman, etc. You won't start to heal until you let go. In that sense, you are being an AH. Heal yourself.
QuickJackfruit6856 (OP)
Truth. I’ve been working hard on it, I had to take an LOA from work, seeing my therapist several times a week. I was doing well until this last email. It really put me in a spiral, it scares me bc I was In so much pain I can not go back there. This is five years of him telling me loved me, talking about the future, me really believing he was my person.
I would not have reached out to her again if he hadn’t sent that, I saw red when I read it. I had ideas to try to hurt him in other ways that I wouldn’t do. Telling her was all I could do.
But damn it burns me that he’s getting out of this without consequences. He’s still got someone he says he loves. And I’m broken hearted. I wish she’d leave him so he suffers.