'AITA for telling my ex’s girlfriend to stay out of our child support issues and things to do with our kids?'
"AITA for telling my ex’s girlfriend to stay out of our child support issues and things to do with our kids?"
Background: I (40f) have a couple of kids with my ex (40m). My ex and I had kids young (we were in our early 20s), got married, it didn’t work (he was abusive, I was depressed) so we divorced.
When we found out I was pregnant I offered him the get out of jail free card, he declined. When the kids were born (they’re almost 18 now), I offered the walk away now card again - he declined. Same when we divorced.
Typical divorce terms: he gets the kids every other weekend, we meet in the middle between where I live and where he lives, he was ordered to pay child support, keep communication open. For a while he did okay. Got the kids, paid his child support, communicated. Then came wife number two. She had a couple of kids.
He played happy family with them, the visits became fewer and farther between before they stopped when the kids were 4, communication screeched to a halt but I tried with important things like medical and school. Child support still came, fine, no big deal. Then came divorce number two.
Ex paid child support for a while, then stopped when he changed jobs. Got about $30k behind, new employer found out, child support started again after he sued me to have it reduced and forgive the debt and failed. Ex lost another job and just stopped trying.
I shrugged it off and let it ride because I was making okay money and the kids were happy and wanted for nothing between my employment and my mom helping me out when we needed it. My mom has since died and I’ve changed jobs, still doing what is necessary to make sure kids are happy and healthy.
Moving on to current girlfriend. She has kids from a previous relationship (who are pretty cool) and they have one kid together with whom he plays super happy family. Ex and I are on okay terms, much to girlfriend’s dismay.
She doesn’t work, makes a federal case about her ex when he doesn’t pay child support, and helps my ex hide from enforcement of our child support order. He hasn’t paid since 2019. I again let it go because I was okay financially. Asked for help when it was needed, nothing more, and left it alone otherwise when he dropped the ball.
Time and the state I live in and the state he lives in have caught up with him. He can’t hide from it anymore. They found him and served him notice of possible action against him for a six figure sum of back due child support.
The solution offered by his girlfriend: forgive the back due, allow him to pay going forward (ie she will pay whatever the bare minimum I will accept herself from her own child support - as if I could accept those terms in good conscience), and help him get out of this mess. I said no.
I’ve always had an issue with boundaries. I tend to let people walk on me and shrug it off. At the beginning of the year I said something to my ex about needing him to pay his child support because things were changing for me financially and I was getting stressed.
His girlfriend told me that I needed to talk to her about that first. I told her that it was between me and him and to please not insert herself into this as that was inappropriate. Privately I told him not to allow that to happen again.
Flash forward to today, she does it again and gets upset when I told her to back off and remove herself from the conversation and told him not to put me in that position, yet again.
She is not entitled to anything concerning my children with him as she is just his girlfriend, not his wife or my children’s stepmother and this is a matter between myself and him. Am I the AH for telling girlfriend to mind her own business and refusing to drop the past due child support?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. It is none of her business.
100%. NTA. It sounds like OP and her ex have a cordial relationship with good communication. Even though her ex is useless at staying on top of his financial obligations to his kids with OP. GF who now has a kid with him (so she does have some vested interest in what goes down) should keep out of their relationship and leave it to the ex to handle.
Do not let her into this and he owes the money to the kids. If it is a big amount it could be used for their college if you don't need it.
NTA. And never let your foot off the gas on getting your money. He’s a pathetic excuse for a man and no kind of father. Let him lose his license, passport and forever mess up his credit.
First thought- didn’t have to read the whole thing just the word “girlfriend”. NTA. Not legally bound to your ex through marriage, no monetary assets/stakes together, she can shove it.
After reading everything- holy hell this man is a dunce. I have no idea how you haven’t dug a hole for him yet. DEFINITELY NTA. And she shouldn’t be bailing him out? HE owes YOU/YOUR CHILDREN that money.
You gave him several outs too. You didn’t ride him for it. Now karma in the form of the state is knocking. Not your problem. If it’s possible to block her without affecting care of your children I’d do it- she’s not worth the oxygen she uses.
I’d also bring up her involvement to any legal reps you’re speaking to- there may be some consequences she can face for trying to interfere in court proceedings. Regardless- I wish you and your kids nothing but the best because this is a classic train wreck.
No girl, you are NTA. His current flavor of the year needs to learn her place. And it's not meddling in your affairs with her boyfriend. I think you've handled the situation very well and it's his own damn fault for not keeping up with child support and his relationship with his children.
Keep up with your boundaries! He needs to get her to back off and learn her place as well. But it sounds like he sucks in general, so I'm not sure that will happen unfortunately. :(