'AITA for telling my ex’s girlfriend to stay out of our child support issues and things to do with our kids?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my ex’s girlfriend to stay out of our child support issues and things to do with our kids?"
Background: I (40f) have a couple of kids with my ex (40m). My ex and I had kids young (we were in our early 20s), got married, it didn’t work (he was abusive, I was depressed) so we divorced.
When we found out I was pregnant I offered him the get out of jail free card, he declined. When the kids were born (they’re almost 18 now), I offered the walk away now card again - he declined. Same when we divorced.
Typical divorce terms: he gets the kids every other weekend, we meet in the middle between where I live and where he lives, he was ordered to pay child support, keep communication open. For a while he did okay. Got the kids, paid his child support, communicated. Then came wife number two. She had a couple of kids.
He played happy family with them, the visits became fewer and farther between before they stopped when the kids were 4, communication screeched to a halt but I tried with important things like medical and school. Child support still came, fine, no big deal. Then came divorce number two.
Ex paid child support for a while, then stopped when he changed jobs. Got about $30k behind, new employer found out, child support started again after he sued me to have it reduced and forgive the debt and failed. Ex lost another job and just stopped trying.
I shrugged it off and let it ride because I was making okay money and the kids were happy and wanted for nothing between my employment and my mom helping me out when we needed it. My mom has since died and I’ve changed jobs, still doing what is necessary to make sure kids are happy and healthy.
Moving on to current girlfriend. She has kids from a previous relationship (who are pretty cool) and they have one kid together with whom he plays super happy family. Ex and I are on okay terms, much to girlfriend’s dismay.
She doesn’t work, makes a federal case about her ex when he doesn’t pay child support, and helps my ex hide from enforcement of our child support order. He hasn’t paid since 2019. I again let it go because I was okay financially. Asked for help when it was needed, nothing more, and left it alone otherwise when he dropped the ball.
Time and the state I live in and the state he lives in have caught up with him. He can’t hide from it anymore. They found him and served him notice of possible action against him for a six figure sum of back due child support.
The solution offered by his girlfriend: forgive the back due, allow him to pay going forward (ie she will pay whatever the bare minimum I will accept herself from her own child support - as if I could accept those terms in good conscience), and help him get out of this mess. I said no.
I’ve always had an issue with boundaries. I tend to let people walk on me and shrug it off. At the beginning of the year I said something to my ex about needing him to pay his child support because things were changing for me financially and I was getting stressed.
His girlfriend told me that I needed to talk to her about that first. I told her that it was between me and him and to please not insert herself into this as that was inappropriate. Privately I told him not to allow that to happen again.
Flash forward to today, she does it again and gets upset when I told her to back off and remove herself from the conversation and told him not to put me in that position, yet again.
She is not entitled to anything concerning my children with him as she is just his girlfriend, not his wife or my children’s stepmother and this is a matter between myself and him. Am I the AH for telling girlfriend to mind her own business and refusing to drop the past due child support?
Here is what people had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. It is none of her business.
100%. NTA. It sounds like OP and her ex have a cordial relationship with good communication. Even though her ex is useless at staying on top of his financial obligations to his kids with OP. GF who now has a kid with him (so she does have some vested interest in what goes down) should keep out of their relationship and leave it to the ex to handle.
Do not let her into this and he owes the money to the kids. If it is a big amount it could be used for their college if you don't need it.
NTA. And never let your foot off the gas on getting your money. He’s a pathetic excuse for a man and no kind of father. Let him lose his license, passport and forever mess up his credit.
No girl, you are NTA. His current flavor of the year needs to learn her place. And it's not meddling in your affairs with her boyfriend. I think you've handled the situation very well and it's his own damn fault for not keeping up with child support and his relationship with his children.
Keep up with your boundaries! He needs to get her to back off and learn her place as well. But it sounds like he sucks in general, so I'm not sure that will happen unfortunately. :(
Later OP added this update in the comments:
Update: Just a little extra info to answer questions/concerns. I worded some things poorly. Yes, I let it go, as in I didn’t pester him directly about the child support, not just let it go unpaid with no effort to enforce the order. I did work with my attorney and my state’s child support agency the first time he stopped paying.
He eventually sued me over it and the child support was modified to increase after the case was reviewed by his home state and both of our attorneys. When he stopped paying again, I cooperated with my state’s child support enforcement agency again.
They have been looking for him and attempting to collect since 2019 but his home state has neglected to enforce the action and my home state finally caught up with him after I reached out to his home state and gave them as much information as I had. It had been several years since my state heard from his despite them reaching out once a month for information because he has been hiding behind his girlfriend.
Divorce #2 happened because wife #2 cheated and did some shady things. Left him and moved on with her third husband and her kids.
Yes, I know the money is meant for my kids. It has never been about me. They have college expectations and the money is for them and their future.
Girlfriend has admitted to helping him hide. She wants to know how he was found. He has nothing in his name at their address. His “businesses” as he calls them that he operates for cash are registered under her name.
There is an IRS offset ordered. He doesn’t file taxes as far as I am aware so the IRS can’t intercept his return and forward it to his children.
Somewhere there was a comment about declining payments. I have not ever. When the stimulus he received was intercepted and sent to me he actually called and asked for half of it back because it wasn’t fair. I said no.
When he has sent me direct payments (a few hundred here and there when HIS friends put the heat to him after he complained about me telling him the kids had a need) I said thanks, met the need, showed him proof, and moved on. I have even been up front with child support enforcement and my attorney about the payments.
I am civil to him because of our children, that’s it. It is not up to me to poison their relationship. That’s on him. They take their cues from the adults in their lives. When they speak with him they are respectful and polite.
When they see him, they are respectful and polite. I have always encouraged them to keep him involved and keep him posted on things going on in their lives. I have always encouraged them to call on Christmas, thanksgiving, Father’s Day, his birthday, Easter, etc. They choose not to contact him beyond that. I have family in his home state. When I visit, I take the children to see him.
The children choose to stay inside of his house with their younger sibling and his girlfriend’s kids while he stays outside with me trying to get me to interact with him under the watchful eye of girlfriend.
I have offered the children to allow them to spend time alone with him and his people, they decline and are old enough to decide what they want to do so I do not force the issue. I think that stems from a past of dropped visits, lack of involvement, and lack of trust.
Ex and his girlfriend are, according to her, hiring an attorney to handle this and set the past due balance modified and dropped. I told them to do what they feel is necessary. This is two states attempting to hold him accountable for his children and their needs. Nothing I can do and nothing I’m willing to do about it.