'AITA for telling my family: if they don’t like the way something is, they can take care of it?'

"AITA for telling my family if they don’t like the way something is, they can take care of it themselves?"

I am married and have 3 kids, all are teens. My husband and I both work and my kids are in school and do sports or clubs after school. I recently hit a ceiling in my field and in order to continue to grow professionally, I had to get a graduate degree, so I started my masters degree.

In the past, I usually did most of the chores. My husband does the typical “man” chores,” my kids have some of their own chores like doing their own laundry, taking turns sweeping/vacuuming, cleaning their own bathroom, etc. I did a majority of the rest and all of the cooking.

I am a year into my degree. At the start I was keeping up with the chores I did before, but it quickly wasn’t possible. I asked for help and was told “everything is fine, you’re being too picky." But over time, my family seems to be getting fed up.

They’ve been complaining about things a lot lately. From eating frozen meals (I make them myself in a large batch and freeze them for later), to the floors having stains (if you cleaned up skills, they wouldn’t be there!), the stairs have dust and pet fur on them, etc.

If they bring it up, I tell them they are capable of handling it, but they just walk away and it doesn’t get done. I’m doing what I can, but between work, school, and everything else at home, it can’t all be done. We aren’t living in squalor, i just can’t get to the finer details like I could before.

Yesterday my husband came to me while I was doing my homework and said the shower curtain liner in our bathroom was moldy. This pushed me over the edge. I had my family come into the living room and told them that if they don’t like how something is, they have able bodies and can deal with it themself.

That they have the skills to clean, I have just been taking care of so much they didn’t see. Now I need them to step up. That they don’t like something, they need to step up and take care of it. And how I also plan to redistribute chores.

My kids were arguing that they shouldn’t have to do more, they’re in school and busy afterwards. I told them that I don’t care, I am busy too! And I can’t do it all. That need to step up or shut up, in nicer terms.

That night my husband told me I was too harsh and need to lighten up. He says I was rude and basically telling them their feelings don’t matter and I need to lay off of them. I told him the message wasn’t only for the kids, it was for him too. He needs to step up.

But afterwards I started to doubt myself and felt too harsh. No one is really talking to me right now. I’m worrying now I was too harsh. I did change up the status quo in the house for my own personal reasons. So AITA for telling them if they see something they don’t like, they need to step up and take care of it and not complain about it?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Cunned_Boy said:

NTA NTA NTA. "The shower curtain is moldy" Yeah, maybe your husband should do something about it instead of just declaring it? Does he think you're his mom? Your kids are busy with schoolwork?

Well, you're busy doing a master's degree, which is much more difficult than high school, and you're earning an income on top of that. If they supposedly don't have time to do more, then you definitely don't.

Perhaps you could suggest that they live on rice and beans to enable saving money to hire a cleaner if they don't want to clean the house themselves. All of them absolutely need to step up.

mofa90277 said:

In my family, chores and home responsibilities were a higher priority than sports and clubs. If the kids have time for sports, they have time to cancel their sports and do chores. And I’m sorry: a moldy shower curtain can be replaced for a few dollars and five minutes of work. Your husband should hang his head in shame for being a weenie. NTA.

Dittoheadforever said:

You're NTA and if they're not going to step up, I would hire a housekeeping service and pay for it out of whatever you budget for Fun Money or luxuries. You all want to order pizza? Nope, no longer in the budget. Oh, hubby, you wanted to play golf this weekend? Nope. Concert? Nope. Time to pay for basketball/soccer? Nope. Oh, and those name brand shoes you wanted? Nope.

Your husband is the king of the A-Hs in my book. If he wasn't being so useless.and trying to be the fun parent, you wouldn't have had to be "harsh." And I use the quote marks because I shudder to even think of what my mom would have done if I complained to her that she wasn't doing "her" household chores to my satisfaction.

National-Plastic8691 said:

NTA. If your husband didn’t get that he was being called out as well, maybe you weren’t harsh enough. That said, you’d wanted your husband to stop complaining then you did a family meeting. I think you might want to be able to speak directly to each person in the moment.

If your husband shows you something moldy, you can say “Great, I can’t wait to see it after you clean it” Most kid over 6 can clean their own rooms and do their own laundry, I hope you do help them learn how. They can also prepare a meal each week. Please set expectations with your husband on his responsibilities such as meal prep as well.

DazzlingPotion said:

Your husband can’t change out a shower curtain liner? You’ve got to be kidding me! Wow.

asurkhaib said:

NTA your husband outright said that his and the kids feelings matter, but yours don't.