'AITA for telling my father that his punishment is that the family name dies with him?'
"AITA for telling my father that his punishment is that the family name dies with him?"
According-Mode-1050
When I (35m) was 5 years old my father walked out on me, my mother and my sister. My mom couldn't handle it and had a mental breakdown which led to my grandparents legally adopting me and my sister which obviously changed our last name.
All good right? Well it would have been if not for the fact that my grandfather was extremely abusive towards me and only me because my grandmother always protected my sister.
So at from ages 5-11 I constantly had to hide weeping welts on my back and legs by wearing a hoodie or jacket and long pants in the hot Alabama summer. This led to a lot of resentment towards my mother and father who made the decision to sign me over to this monster. Well when I was 11 my grandfather had a stroke which led to me moving back to Michigan with my mom.
And things slowly got better in a way, see the years of abuse as well as wonderful genetics(thanks mom and dad) had left me with a lot of trauma and mental health issues(CPTSD, schizo affective disorder bipolar type, BPD, chronic anxiety and insomnia) but I slowly started to put myself back together with some help from a few special people.
When I was 13 my father reached out and asked if I would consider seeing him again and I agreed, and over the years we slowly rebuilt some semblance of a relationship. Fast forward 10 years and my first son is born and my father asks if I would be willing to change my last name back to my birth name and change my son's last name and I said no.
He was upset but dropped it, until 3 years later when my second son was born and my father asked again if I would be willing to change mine and my children's last name, again I said no. Finally fast forward to 2021 and my father is diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic and liver cancer and chemo is not working.
So again my father comes to me and says he is dying and how important it is to pass on the family name and begging me to change mine and my son's last names, to which I respond that while I love him very much and am glad he got to be part of my children's lives, the family name would die with him and that was his punishment for abandoning me to years of hell.
And that if I were going to change my name it would be to my Step-Dads last name since he was more of a parent than my father ever was. At this my father just said "I see" in a sad voice before telling me that he loves me and he's sorry for everything before hanging up.
A week later my Stepmom calls me to tell me that my father had passed away and she came home from work to find him dead on the stairs. That conversation about my last name was the last conversation I had with my father. And I still have very conflicting thoughts about it. So, AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
DollyDreamssx
NTA. Your feelings are totally valid, especially after everything you went through. Your father’s request doesn’t erase the pain he caused. You’re not wrong for standing your ground, even if it was tough.
According-Mode-1050 (OP)
The worst part is that I do love him and have good memories with him, but unfortunately the bad far out weighs it.
stationaryspondoctor
NTA, but I totally get your mixed feelings. Even if all of Reddit tells you that you did nothing wrong, you will be the one to deal with those feelings. Please, please, please go talk to those special people in your life that helped you before. You really do need them now.
Fit_Reason7319
NTA, but my comment/question on this is you are punishing him for abandoning you, which is valid, but you are passing on the name of your abuser (grandfather) instead? Unless I am missing/misinterpretting some aspect of the story. How is that better? What is his punishment for what he put you through?
lapsteelguitar
Sorry about the going thru the process with your dad. My father also died of pancreatic cancer. Not a fun time. I get it. As for the name, you are honoring the father who took care of you, and that's fair. NTA.
Capital-Temporary-17
I completely understand why you would feel conflicting feelings about this, but I truly think your father understood and reiterated his love and regret so that you could not feel such a burden if he passed sooner rather than later. He loved you and he tried after her came back. Hold onto that. You maintained a boundary and he accepted it. I am sorry for your loss. NTA.
plantprinses
I wonder why you feel conflicted, since you were so adamant about not changing the names for years and years. I think you need to separate what you said to him from the moment you said it to him. Your father knew for a long, long time that you weren't willing to do what he wanted. He also knew the reason.
Yet he kept pestering you. At the end, he even used his impending death to get you to do what you always refused to do and with good reason: change the name. You regret that the last conversation with him was about this contentious subject, but how could you know it would be the last conversation? You couldn't.
And why did your father chose to badger you in his last days on earth rather than making an effort to part on good terms with you? Anyway, the fact that you overcame so much tells me that you will be able to see this last conversation for what it is: a last-ditch attempt of your father's to live on.