'AITA for telling my fiancé that his family was too nice when I met them?' UPDATED 2X 'IT'S OVER.'

"AITA for telling my fiancé that his family was too nice when I met them?"

I (27F) recently met my fiancé’s (31M) family for the first time. We have been together for four years but we spent two of those years in my home country, and then moved to his country after I finished my graduate program.

We didn’t settle in his home state, but I kept asking to meet his parents because he’s met mine, multiple times, and he always said that they’re just “very private people” or “kind of old-fashioned” so we should wait until we’re engaged. Weird, but some people are just weird, so I didn’t push on it.

Well, we’re engaged now. So last weekend we finally made the trip. And I don’t know how else to describe it, but something felt really off about the entire thing. They weren’t rude. I want to preface by saying that. It’s on the contrary. They were nice to a degree that felt contrived and honestly a little scary.

His mom kept hugging and touching me and holding my hands, asking what she can do for me, how she can make me comfortable, that it’s so nice to finally meet me. His dad barely said a word to me, and that juxtaposition was a lot. But I felt love bombed a little.

She made all my favorite foods and kept anxiously asking if anything was wrong, if she could refill my drink. She even offered me her shirt when I mentioned I thought it looked really nice. I thought maybe she was just anxious? Idk.

His little sisters asked polite questions to me, but still, it felt so surface level. His mom was dominating everything. It kind of felt like a job interview? Like, “what are you looking for in a marriage,” and “have you heard much about our little town?” with palpable relief when I said no, because I’m not from the US.

She asked about my past relationships and was very interested in why me and my past boyfriend broke up. I specifically remember her asking “how hard did you fight for it? Or did you just leave?” And that was so weird.

I just felt oddly interrogated and coddled at the same time. I’m not explaining myself well, but my gut told me to get out of that house. My fiancé barely spoke all night and anytime I looked to him for reassurance he just smiled and looked down at his hands. Which is not like him. At all.

A couple nights in and I told him I was feeling kind of weird and wanted to go home. He asked me why, and I told him that maybe I’m just not used to American socializing, that I just feel a little tired and overwhelmed and that his family is really, really nice and I’m not sure how to handle it.

I was trying to not be rude but we’ve always emphasized honesty in our relationship, and I thought if this was a cultural thing maybe we could talk about it and overcome it together?

He got really defensive though, saying I was being “dramatic, rude, and xenophobic,” when his family had “gone out of their way to make me feel welcome.” I apologized and said I was grateful, that I just felt a little weird, and he said he was done talking about it.

We drove home and he won’t talk about it anymore, will hardly even talk to me. His mom, on the other hand, has been texting me non stop since she met me. How happy she was to meet me, how beautiful I am, and how she hopes we “won’t wait too long” to get married and have kids.

I just feel so unsettled. My fiancé thinks I am an ungrateful ahole and maybe I am. Am I? I just feel so out of sorts over this. Any advice, criticism, ANYTHING is welcome.

EDIT:

My fiancé STILL isn’t talking to me. At all. He shut himself in our room and said he "needed space." Seriously, am I missing something here? Wtf do I do? I feel like I’m going crazy.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Better-Turnover2783 said:

"I tried to talk to him again and he accused me of cheating." Red flag right there, flying high and strong. You don't throw that out casually in a relationship. You can't walk that back. It's a wrap, done, major things going on in the background or buried in the backyard. Google him, his town, his family.

When his mother said "how hard did you fight for it? Or did you just leave?" That lets you know he's done stuff before in other relationships. He lied in someway to you and his family. To mention cheating, he's looking for a breakup. Give it to him and get out safely. He hasn't been honest with you at all. NTA.

Defiant_Blueberry_44 said:

NTA. Americans will talk and smile to strangers all the time just being friendly but this is NOT normal American socializing. I’m from the South US where we take the friendly up a notch and I’m on my couch cringing so bad I almost stopped reading I was so uncomfortable.

no_fcks_lefttogive said:

NTA - this is not normal.

ParkerGroove said:

Something’s shady. Pause the relationship until you figure this out.

Natatatcat22 said:

Sounds to me like he was worried about you meeting his overbearing mother.

marcaygol said:

How many gf/long term partners has your fiancé had in the past? I'm asking because, for example, my mother was overjoyed when I finally told her I had a bf. My first one at 27yo. She definitely was a little over the top when she met him. So it could be that. I wouldn't worry too much but try and mentally prepare for the "niceness onslaught" next time you meet them.

FIRST UPDATE:

I finally got my fiancé to talk to me and it was not a good conversation. I apologized again for coming across as ungrateful, and he said that the way I reacted to his family told him everything he needed to know about why he was so reluctant to let me meet them in the first place.

He said I should be grateful they welcomed me with such open arms and that I needed to remember that the only reason I'm doing so well in this country is because I am dependent on him to be here.

That had me so angry - I literally can't stand being talked down to. I said I felt like this was way out of proportion, and he then accused me of CHEATING ON HIM. He demanded to see my phone because apparently, according to him...

I am intentionally trying to sabotage our relationship by saying his family is 'too nice' so that he'll call off the engagement, I can call him the ahole, and I get to go off with my so-called "fling."

I am not a cheater, so I said go ahead, look through my phone. He scrolled through my texts for a bit, my internet search history, my social media search history, and my camera roll.

As expected, he found nothing, but he doubled down and said that this was a serious problem for him and that he needs to reevaluate our entire relationship. I am so baffled. He has NEVER blown up on me like this. I feel like I don't even recognize who I am getting married to. Wtf do I do? Am I actually this much of an ahole?

EDITS:

I didn't articulate myself well in the first post, so here is a more extensive rundown of what happened at his home. His mom touched my hair and kept hugging me, grabbing my arm, she even pinched my cheeks a couple of times. These could all be very normal things, I am coming to understand this by reading the comments.

But this paired with everything else just made me feel like more of a doll. She said I was more beautiful than I imagined, multiple times kept saying I was beautiful and perfect for her son. She grabbed my shirt because she said it looked so good on me and wanted to feel it.

She insisted I sit down next to her and every so often kept saying she was so glad to finally meet me and that it feels like she had been waiting for me forever. She served my plate for me and kept filling it with food even when I said thank you, it was so yummy, but I'm full.

She kept bringing me drinks even when I said I wasn't thirsty. I don't handle alcohol well, so I try not to drink. I would try to decline but she just kept insisting so then I felt like I couldn't.

She was asking me what I was looking for in a relationship, what kind of wife I wanted to be, what my past relationships were like, why I left my exes, what my thought process and reasoning was. And since we left, she has been texting me...

...Asking me to promise I'll come back and visit, asking when the wedding is, asking me to not put it off for long. Asking when we're going to have kids. Asking if we're trying for kids. I hope this provides more clarity for why I felt the way that I did, even if I shouldn't have said it to my fiancé because I was a guest in their home and a receiver of their hospitality.

Many people have asked and I guess it might be more relevant than I thought. Fiancé is white and I am Asian. No, I was not born in the US. We met when he was teaching english in my home country.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this update:

I_Can_Find_The_Cl$t said:

NTA. First off he’s cheating on you and projecting. In the other post, you wrote that the mother asked you if you knew anything about the town. I’m assuming that it’s a small town where word gets around fast and your fiancé did something f'd up. But this situation smells worse than fishy. Get Out.

RoyalOtherwise950 said:

NTA. I wonder if your fiance's true colors have come out and his mum knows something is up with him, so she acted over the top.. i also wonder if he is cheated and projecting (and maybe the mum knows?). Be careful OP. He could just have a strange family, but trust your gut. Don't let him dismiss your concerns.

Good_Incident_2689 said:

NTA. Ask to see his phone. Maybe he’s projecting.

Stunning_Noise_8675 said:

NTA. Your gut sounds right to me. You weren’t allowed to meet his family because they’re private? Asking about your past relationships in Detail is so inappropriate. Relaying that she hopes you won’t wait too long to give her grandchildren is even more inappropriate.

Stunning_Noise_8675 said:

Your gut is right. She sounds like she’s very socially impaired maybe because her husband keeps her from socializing if he’s so distant and untalkative. Mostly, if you’re uncomfortable with the family whether or not you’re “right” to be isn’t relevant.

It’s YOUR comfort. If your fiance wants you to be happy together he should help the situation and not blast you, when it’s clear he ALSO knows his family is weird.

Honestly it’s not the privacy or even the ensuing argument - it’s her overbearing weirdness. You want her sharing her opinions about you and prying for the rest of your marriage? Your father in law who doesn’t speak to you?

And the fiance who gaslights you when you’ve walked into some version of “Get Out." Trust your gut. Ask questions, and if he won’t tolerate your questions there’s your answer.

dgf2020 said:

NTA. Your gut is feeling something is off. So trust it, I don’t know if he is cheating unless he used that “space” to chat to other women. My feeling is that his family has a secret they really don’t want you to know about or his father might be a scary man behind closed doors.

Either way, his mother’s relief at you not knowing anything about their “little town” gave me this feeling.Check all public records you can find, and maybe someone else can give you more info on how to search this properly as I’m not sure how it works in America but public records should be easy.

FINAL UPDATE:

I want to start this out by saying thank you so much to all of the commenters and people who messaged me private words of support and comfort. I have been really slow to catch up to what is happening to me, and though a lot of the comments scared me, I started coming to the natural conclusion that they were right. I felt more and more unsettled as the hours went on, fiancé’s mother kept texting me, and he didn’t text me from work like he usually does.

He got back late. His job is labor intensive and requires long hours. When he got back I was waiting and told him I wanted to talk, right now, because the way events are unfolding is unacceptable to me, the effort I’ve put into our relationship, and is leaving too many questions unanswered and creating even more.

He instantly lit up and demanded to see my phone again. I said I would not give him my phone unless he gave me his and he vehemently denied, saying I was the one causing problems so it was his right to look through my phone, not his.

At this point, I was starting to feel really scared of him. I am physically much smaller than him and this has never felt more apparent to me than in that moment. He was speaking really loudly and really closely to me, telling me that his family and him were willing to give me a second chance if I "behaved better" this time...

...that he knew I had it in me to be polite because I always acted that way back in my home country, and that no one else in America would put up with this bullshit, so I should consider myself lucky he didn’t do more to expose my cheating.

I asked if he was threatening me, and he again demanded to see my phone. I said no, though not as firmly as the first time, and he stormed off to the bathroom and turned the shower on. I was really, really scared. So many of you told me to look him and his family up and I didn’t because I honestly thought it was silly. But I did. Right there in our living room.

Turns out, he did have a past girlfriend, though he’s always maintained he has only had short flings and never a serious relationship. She disappeared eight years ago and he was considered a suspect for a while. I couldn’t find much in the articles because I honestly didn’t know how to dig further.

I don’t know if anything ever happened with it, if he still is a suspect, though I guess he couldn’t be to teach English in another country. I don’t know how it works. I know he was never convicted but whether or not he did it is irrelevant to the fact that he lied. He lied so colossally about something so huge.

I was genuinely so scared that I started shaking. I couldn’t think or do anything. It was the middle of the night and he was in the shower and I was just so scared. I really missed my mom and home so much more than I have since I left. I locked myself in our bedroom and called her and she answered, despite it being the middle of the night, and tried to explain what was happening as best I could.

My parents told me to leave all of my things except for family photos, heirlooms, and my work things and go to a hotel. Not to say a word to him and just do it as quickly as possible. I told them he was in the shower so they thought I would have enough time to do it without him noticing.

I got all my stuff together as quickly as I could. I think I forgot some jewelry but it’s okay. My dad sent me money for a hotel and that’s where I am right now. I took an uber about two hours away from the city on a separate account I made that night, as I don’t have a car here.

My fiancé started messaging me about thirty minutes into the drive asking what was going on. I sent him the links to the articles I read and said I was feeling really scared and lied to and that I thought our relationship was over. If he thought I was cheating, clearly we don’t trust each other.

He called me so many times, kept sending that I was a b for accusing him of something he didn’t do, for bringing up such a sore subject when he wasn’t ready to talk about it. He said he wished he never met me and that I should think long and hard about what I’m doing because I don’t fully understand the consequences of being alone in America. That no one will want me like him, that he was doing me a favor.

I just ignored it. I was crying so hard the uber driver actually asked me if I was okay. Then, his mom started calling and texting me. She said she knows it sounds scary but her son is a good person and he had nothing to do with it, and that if we just get married and have kids things will really smooth out.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted to go home. Everything was clicking into place way too much. His parents treatment of me, why he kept demanding to see my phone, why it took so long for me to go to his hometown and meet his family. My friend walked me through everything and it all made sense. My body was so overcome by the stress and fear that I couldn’t stand to be there for one more second.

I am at the hotel now. All location services on my phone are disabled and my dad bought me a plane ticket home. I emailed my job and told them a family emergency came up and I would no longer be able to offer my services to them.

Most of my clothes are still at the home I shared with my fiancé and I don’t think I’ll ever get them back because I don’t want to go back, and it’s not like I can ask my friends to get it for me. I have some friends here but they’re not close, and it’s too hard to ship them.

Anyway, that’s it. I sent him a text saying that the engagement is called off. There’s a lot of other things to address, like the fact that we have shared accounts, he has my visa information, etc. I don’t want to speculate over what happened with him and his past girlfriend because I don’t know.

They never found her, and my heart breaks for her. He just lied about it. For years. And tried to do everything he could to keep it from me. I am too scared to ever be comfortable in that relationship again, and I think it’s time for me to go home.

Thank you so much again to everyone who sent me comforting words of support and kindness. I don’t know if I would have come to the same conclusions if not for your comments. Hopefully next time we meet I’ll be back home with my family and friends.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the final update:

gdrom123 said:

Well I’m glad you’re safe. Just a thought regarding your money. There are online/virtual bank accounts you can open to transfer out your portion of the money from the shared bank accounts. Or depending on the account you can also wire transfer it to an account in your home county.

Can you report your visa documents lost or stolen but have them mail it to a friend’s address then have them mail it your home country? Do you have at least one friend you trust to confide in. I know you said you’re not super close but you may need to call in a favor because this is a big deal.

Either way, at minimum call the immigration office to find out what your options are for getting the documents replaced. Maybe something can be done without involving a friend. The clothes can be replaced, your life cannot be. Good luck with everything.

guccigirl2 said:

That’s so scary!! This guy and his family are literally a horror movie, I feel bad for the next girl.

HumbleCrumble_ said:

Well, your fiancé's family should consider a career in horror movies with all that drama! At least now you can avoid the sequel.

Wise_Monitor_Lizard said:

You're in the US. You can get a police escort to your house to get your things. You do not have to leave it all behind. That being said, it's ok if you just want to say f it and leave. You were right to go. Trusting your instincts is exactly right.

SnoopyisCute said:

NTA, obviously. Former cop and advocate. Survivor. You can call the non-emergency number of the police department that services your previous address and ask for an escort. They will send an officer to escort you into the house to get your things. They can't stay all day but you will be protected to collect the jewelry and some other things you choose to take.

I would also consider getting a GV number if you ever change your actual phone number. My ex blindsided me with divorce after manipulating me to move to a different state just so I would be out of my element. Ex then gave their friends my number and I received long, long, scathing emails and texts from people that didn't even know me.

My family isn't supportive so they helped in the plan to destroy my life. I am so happy and thankful that your parents care about you and are helping you. Be safe and keep that great instinct and inner voice that's a total bada$%! Safe travels!

No-Atmosphere-2528 said:

NTA. We know why he was a suspect, he’s abusive, whether or not he did it is another thing altogether but better not to find out. You made the right decision running.