Woman says fiancé's 'overbearing' and 'condescending' family is the reason they'll never marry.' AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my fiance that his family will be the reason why we don’t get married?"
melonsaremelon
Me ‘26F’ and my fiance ‘26M’ have been together for 3 years and we have a 1 year old. His family has always had something to say about our relationship even when we first started dating. We got engaged last year when we found out I was 7 weeks pregnant.
But before I agreed to accept the proposal, I told him my boundaries and expectations. I also wanted him to sign a prenup and a post nup. He agreed to them and would also have his own.
Now our first child just turned one and we were planning to start planning for our wedding. It was gonna be small with just immediate family and very close friends. We have scheduled time off to start checking out venues. I guess he told his parents about our plan and unsurprisingly, they were not happy.
They wanted us to have a big wedding so THEY can invite all the family. They were upset that we didn’t ask THEM what they wanted. I told my fiance that it’s not their wedding therefore, we’re gonna do what WE want.
This is where the disconnect happens - he sided with them and said his family deserved to be invited to our special day. But that’s not the only problem, he disclosed to his parents that I’m also making him sign a prenup and a post nup.
They said it was disgraceful and "unwomanly" of me. They told him to force me out of it. As I said, his parents have also had something to say about our relationship. Like I shouldn’t be making more money than him. Or that I should put his name on the condo.
Normally, it’s settled thru a text or a call and it’ll be peaceful for a while. But this is something different. I no longer feel comfortable marrying him since it doesn’t seem like he’ll ever step up and stand up for our relationship. I feel like I’m gonna end up marrying him AND his family.
Our scheduled time off is approaching this Monday and I don’t know how to tell him that I no longer feel like marrying him. That it’s because of his family. I know he loves them and I admire him for that but how can I be ok with this when he loves them more than our own family that we created together?
This has been eating me up inside because I feel like I’ll be breaking our family apart but I just don’t know what to do … I’m afraid to reach out to our mutuals because I’m not the type to really talk stuff about my relationship - which is why I’m here pouring out to strangers online anonymously.
Please give me some insight or something, I love this man. And I don’t want to tear apart our family but I also don’t want to suffer from trying to keep it together. I’m really just at a loss.
What they said is normally relayed to me/shown to me by my fiance which is why I didn’t think that he sided with them because I can see his responses. They’re normally “I will tell her, ma/da” or “I will see what I can do”.
Compromising is a BIG aspect of relationships. And I did nothing but compromise and try to accommodate him AND his parents. From our anniversary, to our vacations and to what we do for our household. I drew the line when I became pregnant and they demanded I become a SAHM.
So many people think contraception works 100% and it does not. My Nexplanon baby is a year old. As for me getting pregnant by him, it wasn’t planned. While I support women’s right, I personally wouldn’t make the choice for myself.
When he agreed to my boundaries and expectations, I asked him what his were so that both sides are equally heard. He told me his, NONE of which included his parents. That is the ONLY reason why I agreed to them.
I disclosed about wanting a prenup and a post nup and suggested he did the same which he told me he would have his own. I offered to have my lawyer assist him, he declined and said he would get his own. We BOTH agreed on having them.
The wedding plans were closely discussed with just me and him. What did we want, what are our expectations and what is our budget. We were the ones paying for it. Not my family, despite my dad practically begging me to because it’s become a family tradition.
My fiance was not comfortable with it and he said he felt like it would emasculate him if it seemed like he couldn’t afford his own wedding. We sat down with my dad, my dad said he understood and respected.
We did come to an agreement that my dad would at least pay for my wedding dress, my fiance agreed to that. So when that was all settled, my and my fiance started discussing budgets. He said $15k would be his ideal. And I agreed that it was good price range, doable.
Now this is where it gets tricky, HE wants a destination wedding which is why I suggested a small wedding. Yes I suggested it and not because I didn’t want his family there but because I’m considering the financial aspect for guests. HE agreed that it would expensive for his side.
I was the one that suggested we do in the country, just in another state and we can plan to drive to get his family or fly them out. I told him this would be more accommodating because I agreed that his family deserves to be there.
I worked WAY too hard in school to get my degree, to get my license and to get where I’m at. I was financially responsible for every penny I spent. I grew up with parents who wanted financial literacy and independence for their kids. Before my fiance came into the picture, I made sure all my baggage was packed and covered. The condo we call home is a gift to myself.
I suggested couples therapy, he refused. I suggested therapy for all of us(me/him and his parents), he refused because it would be disrespectful. I suggested that we all just have a sit down and set boundaries, he said it would come off as aggression.
I asked him MANY TIMES (throughout our entire relationship) if he felt the same way as they did, he denied. He said that he KNOWS that they can be unreasonable and unrealistic but they’re his parents so he tries his best to honor them.
I suggested that I should just have a sit down with his parents and he got upset and said I was going too far … so yeah I’m at a loss. Don’t know what to do because neither of the choices I’ve got in my head are appealing.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
desertrat_1000
Well, just think of the next how many years with his family's drama in your life. Is he worth it? Can he stand up to them? Good luck.
xFizzyPink
I agree. If he can't stand up to his family now, what's it going to be like in the future? You deserve someone who prioritizes you and your relationship, not just placates their family OP.
fatigued_frog
Yup! Even if OP marries fiancé, his family will keep overstepping her boundaries. It worked before. Also, their negative view of her will not magically disappear. NTA.
shelltrice
1 tell him the legal documents are non negotiable. You are also willing to sign to protect him.
2 He needs to decide now where his allegiance lies - you or his family.
I hope I am wrong, but based on your narrative, I fear he is going to choose them.
Recent_Data_305
This is the way. Someone close to us had a bad MIL situation. My son said, “Mom, if you did anything like that to my wife, I’d have to cut you off.” I told him not to worry because I’d never make him choose because he is right - his wife should come first.
OP, if this guy can’t make his own financial and wedding decisions, he isn’t ready to get married. He is still acting like a child listening to mom and dad. If protecting your own assets is “unwomanly” - proudly plead guilty to the charge. If he chooses them, do not allow him to live free in your condo. Send him packing. I know you love him, but force him to lie in the bed he chooses.
The OP later added:
melonsaremelon
I’ve tried to read as many comments as I can throughout the day. Sorry if I couldn’t get to all of you. I will say some of you are distasteful. You got so much hate. I’ve decided I will have a talk with him tonight before we go to bed.
It’s physically impossible to just to wait, I feel like I’m going thru withdrawal symptoms. And plus he’s been asking me all day if something was going on. Pray for me.