'AITA for telling my fiancé I don’t want his sister as a groomsman?'
"AITA for telling my fiancé I don’t want his sister as a groomsman?"
I (F30) recently got engaged to my fiancé (M28). When we first discussed our wedding party, he said he wanted his brother and a couple of close friends from high school as his groomsmen.
I don’t have a good relationship with my family, especially my sisters, so my bridesmaids are all close friends from college. We were both happy with our choices and everything was smooth, zero drama.
That changed during a visit with his family. His grandma was in town, so we drove down to see her. While sitting in the living room with my fiancé, his grandma, and his mom, she asked who my bridesmaids were.
I told her all my bridesmaids are my friends. She immediately asked if my fiancé’s sister “Kathy” would be included. I was caught off guard because it had literally never been discussed, so I said no.
The reality is I’m not close with her. We live in different states, we’ve only met a handful of times, and I’ve never had one-on-one time with her. I want my bridesmaids to be the people I’m closest to.
His mom and grandma then went into a whole tangent about how their family tradition is to always include siblings of the spouse as bridesmaids/groomsmen. They’re very religious and traditional, whereas I am not.
My fiancé has told me he isn’t religious either, but he basically pretends to be around them—praying at dinner, avoiding alcohol, etc. just to keep the peace. I respect their beliefs, but I don’t like being pressured to follow traditions I never signed up for.
After the visit, I told my fiancé I wanted to stick with our original plan. He agreed. I even texted his mom respectfully, saying that my bridesmaids would just be my close friends, but that Kathy would definitely be included in family photos. His mom wasn’t happy.
The next day, she texted my fiancé privately, telling him he would “regret it for the rest of his life” if Kathy wasn’t either my bridesmaid or one of his groomsmen. And suddenly, my fiancé caved. He came to me and said Kathy has to be in the wedding party either as his groomsman or my bridesmaid.
That’s where I got upset. If this had been his genuine choice from the beginning, I wouldn’t have had an issue. But it’s clearly not. This only became an issue after his mom pushed it, and now it feels like she’s making the decision for him.
We argued about it, and it turned into a huge fight. Now I’m frustrated and honestly heartbroken. I feel like my fiancé is choosing his mom over me. Up until now, there was no wedding drama at all, but the second she inserted herself, everything changed. And I can’t shake the fear that this won’t stop with the wedding—that his mom will continue to dictate things down the road, especially if/when we have kids.
So Reddit, AITA for putting my foot down and saying I don’t want his sister as a groomsman? Should I just give in to keep the peace? Or is this the hill I should stand on? I’m scared that if we can’t come to an agreement on this, there may not even be a wedding.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You need to refocus your discussion with your fiance. You're not upset about the idea of the sister being a groomsmen. You're upset at the idea of him giving up what he wants because it's something his mom wants him to do.
Especially mention your fear about future decisions and kids and him not attending to for himself and your family unit when his mom wants something else. It's not about the wedding party. Make sure he knows that and don't let him brush you off. This is a necessary conversation.
Red flag: if mom controls this, she’ll control everything else.
NTA but careful. Your fiance has chosen his mom over his own views. You are right to be concerned.
Premarital counseling might help. Also observe his actions now and during therapy and this issue. Actions speak louder than words.
You’re not wrong, this man has no backbone with his family. He’s pretending to still be religious, wouldn’t tell his mom that you and himself had already decided on your wedding party and to back off… it def won’t end with the wedding.
Will you be raising your kids religious? Because she’s going to expect you to. If he won’t stand up to her, this will be your life. I’d say now is his chance to put his foot down and be honest with his mom if he wants to live his life with you.
That mom should have sent the same text to you, where it might have done some good. This guy will do anything to “keep the peace”, including supplanting your wishes and lying to his parents. Marry him at your own risk. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
You're NTA, but you are getting a preview of what life will be like with your spineless boyfriend. Frankly, it's a red flag that he pretends to pray and abstain from alcohol just so mommy and daddy won't be mad at him. It's fine if he wants his sister as a groomsman, but there are deeper issues here.
NTA. It won’t end there, though. When you have kids, when you want to buy a house etc she will insert her opinion and he will listen - either bec he’s a baby or he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. Either way - he’ll listen to her over you. It is VERY hard to change this about a person.