'AITA for telling my fiancée her tattoo of my dead brother makes me uncomfortable??' NEW UPDATE
"AITA for telling my fiancée her tattoo of my dead brother makes me uncomfortable??"
Okay so for context, my older brother, 30M while I'm 29M, passed away three years ago in a motorcycle accident. This messed me up severely (Still does). He was my best friend and we had that whole inseparable since we knew each other, even if he was older, he was never the stereotypical older brother bully sort and I loved him for that.
Anyway, my fiancée who I'll call Bella is 28F, and met him only a few times but always said she admired our bond as she has no real siblings of her own. (Only step but they aren't close)
A few weeks ago, Bella surprised me with a freaking tattoo she got in memory of my brother. It’s this pretty big, realistic gray scale tattoo of his face with a little snoopy icon beside it on her upper arm, with his nickname we use, and his birth AND death dates underneath.
When I saw this, I was stunned. She said she did it as a tribute to him and to support me bc she knows how much I still struggle with grief. I honestly didn’t know what to say at first, but the more I sat with it, the more it bothered me.
I told her (gently, as much as I could tbh) that I appreciated the gesture but found the tattoo really uncomfortable. Like it's unsettling to see HIS face on MY fiancées body. Like it’s too much, especially since they barely knew each other??
She got upset and said I was being weird about a nice gesture and making her regret doing something beautiful, her words. Now she’s distant, and my mom thinks I should just be thankful someone loved my brother enough to memorialize him. But first off, I didn’t ASK her to do this!
Now I'm stuck with a fiancée that wont even talk to be properly, and my brothers perfectly black and grey eyes staring at me when I'm laying beside her. And honestly I don't even want to think of how horrifying having relations would be with that on her arm. Am I being unreasonable?? AH?? Is it in my right to ask her to get it covered up or like zapped off??
Ig I'm adding some additional details because I don't know how to respond individually. My fiancée and I both have tattoos and many of them, I have smaller ones she has bigger ones. To my knowledge, neither of us are mentally ill in any capacity and we aren't on medication (I cant believe I have to write this 🤣)
And ever since my reaction she has been wearing longer sleeved shirts in the day time, at work she has to anyway, but that's for home too. It's only during bed time that I really see it with her wearing tanks and it physically hurts lol.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA. That’s a wild overstep on her part. It’s one thing to support you through grief, it’s another to permanently tattoo your brother’s face on her body when they barely knew each other. That’s not a tribute, that’s weirdly possessive of your grief and your bond with him.
You have every right to feel uncomfortable seeing your late brother’s face on your fiancée’s arm every day, especially in intimate situations. It doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate the sentiment, it just crosses a line. She should’ve asked you before making such a huge decision involving someone so personal to you.
"weirdly possessive of your grief" is such a spot-on way to describe this.
audicarmicheal (OP)
I really liked that too, and while I think my fiancée didn't have any bad intentions regarding this, it does feel fitting.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
After breakfast this morning, at around half seven, it's 10:34 as I write this btw, I sat down (already was sitting down after eating but yes whatever) with my fiancée and spoke about the freaking tattoo again. I basically echoed all the comments I've received, which by the way I'm so grateful for (for the most part because some of them were crazy).
Anyway, I told her again that the tattoo made me very uncomfortable and wasn't the leap she needed to take to comfort or support me on my journey with grief, as I still had a firm belief that she didn't do this in a malicious manner. She was quiet initially and then asked if she could explain herself and I said I was willing to listen.
To summarize, she said she simply got the tattoo because she thought it would symbolise the extent she would go to love me and support me, and said in that way, I had both people I loved so much in the same place (? Her words not mine).
She did say she was sorry and that she wouldnt have done it if she knew that I wouldn't have liked it. I asked her why she hadn't spoken to me about it prior and she said it wouldn't have been a surprise then, which is what she wanted it to be.
She also said, and I'm remembering this fresh and internally cringing as I write this lol, that the tattoo was meant to be a symbol of a new beginning because we're going to get married in a couple of months, and she wanted to turn over old leafs. I'm still stuck on what she meant so I'd appreciate any word sleuths helping me in this.
To wrap it up, I said I didn't want to end our relationship over this and I really wanted to move on from it but that she needed to either cover it up or laser it off and she was, to say the least, not very happy about it.
Said a cover up would be complicated and would take too long, said laser might be painful and looks scary from the videos, also said she likes how the tattoo looks along with her other ones and asked if I'd be okay with her just covering it up either with clothes or foundation.
I was as firm as I could be, mind you this is the woman I've loved for 5 years straight so admittedly I'm soft, but I reiterated that I wanted it gone either by a cover up or laser. She was quiet then and that's honestly where the conversation ended. She already left for work at 10 and I'm going to start my own work now, as I work remotely from home, after I finish this.
Anyways, I hope this works out and I would appreciate any advice! I did read a comment that shamed me for taking this to reddit instead of speaking with her first so I will prioritize our communication first but will hopefully keep this updated. Thanks for all the help for now.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
TBH, her actions and her explanation make me think she's extremely codependent. It sounds like she was trying to make your grieving process about her in some way. Turning over a new leaf sounds like she wants you to put the grief in the past because it's NOT actually about her.
I went through something similar with my ex...trying to insert himself in my loss and trying to control how I grieved, wanting me to need him a certain way instead of just being there for me... I would suggest seeing a therapist, both for grief and to be sure of your relationship. Not saying leave her, but there are multiple red flags here and I don't mean the ink.
she wants to turn over old leafs yet tattooed one to her body and is complaining about you validly wanting her to cover it up...
NTA again. I'd break off the engagement. If she does extreme stuff like that so easily, who knows what else she can do?
The next day, the OP returned with another update.
It's final, I've broken up with her. I don't even know why I'm writing this other than to get some closure on this situation and maybe some support. I've read so many comments this morning and while it didn't go the way I or anyone anticipated, I've taken my decision though I'm struggling to accept it myself.
Last night when Bella came home from work, I made sure to make dinner and asked if we could talk after dinner in the back garden. She said that was okay but that she needed time to shower and unwind before dinner so she'd be a bit late, but that I could start eating. I agreed and she went upstairs while I ate the dinner I'd made with the TV on in the back.
She came down about an hour later, while I was winding things up and washing the dishes from earlier and I offered to get her a hot plate and she agreed saying she'd eat it on the couch in our living room rather than the kitchen where we have a dining table, (also where I ate).
I said that was fine and I brought it over to her and as I gave it to her while she was sitting, her hand out to take it, I somehow ? Managed to drop it and the hot spagbol went all over her.
I immediately apologised profusely and went to grab her some water and tissues/towels but she just started screaming at me. I do not want to make myself sound like a victim in this, so I want to be careful with how I write this. But yes, she started saying that I did that on purpose and that I was punishing her for our conversation that morning and for the tattoo in general.
I immediately defended myself as I brought over a damp towel and some tissues and said I knew I had a steady grip on the plate so there was no way I had done that on purpose, also saying that I always spoke respectfully and calmly to her about the tattoo situation and that I'd never escalate things like this.
Things beyond are a blur but we had a big fight and she broke many and I mean many of our glasses and plates, even trying to pull off a cabinet door in our kitchen that was already not in good condition and threw anything around her at me. By the end of it, I said I couldn't be with her anymore and that this was the last straw and left for my parents house.
I haven't returned and I haven't picked up any of her calls or messages, and I'm honestly afraid of what she'll do to my belongings if she so easily broke so much of the stuff WE bought together. I'm still at my parents house and I haven't told them either but I think this is it.
This may be the last update because I don't know if I can focus on this when I have everything else I need to resolve. Thank you for all your comments I really appreciated them and i never expected this outcome. Peace and love to all that helped 💝
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
Yikes! I'm glad you got out of there, OP. What a mess of a situation, but it's good that you were able to see this side of her before the wedding. It's much more complicated to get out when divorce is involved. As for your own belongings, maybe see if the police can help with that.
I don't get what is going on in her head. I mean, first tattooing brother's face. Then being angry that OP requested it be covered or removed. Then this. I can understand that she was on edge, but immediately saying the accident was on purpose... Yeah, remember to go back home with someone, don't go alone. And do it sooner than later.
If you notice any damage, then take photos, document everything. She might want to twist this on you, especially after the glass things she can claim it was you destroying everything. Protect yourself as much as possible. Updateme
This was... intense to say the least. Hats off OP, you dodged matrix bullet time shots!
Four days later, the OP returned with their final update.
Hi, posting this here for closure. Ex fiancée has gotten a removal scheduled for next week and has called, texted, and gotten her friends to message me and to apologise. I responded and asked to speak and we met yesterday at my parents house to speak, with my parents mediating. Just for safety and efficiency.
She apologised numerous times and asked to give her a chance, saying that she's never been like this before and it's all a result of a stupid thing she's now embarrassed and ashamed of, referring to the tattoo.
I reiterated that it wasn't even really the tattoo that had caused me to leave at the end of the day, but rather her explanation for it and how violent she got with me so easily. My parents were on my side for this, but asked me to be gentle prior and so I was. Told her I couldn't see us being together any longer so that is that.
Through our conversation, lasted probably the entire late afternoon and evening, I did learn other things. While we were dating much younger, on and off, she had kept two pregnancies from me and had gotten an abortion.
I don't blame her for this action, as I understand the many multi faceted reasons she must've had and she does have that right over her body. This isn't of much relevance, but I just wished i had known because we could've better prevented it, Ie gotten better condoms, so she didn't have to go through it.
Didn't even have to tell me, I feel, as even if she implied that the things we were using was probably ineffective, I'd change them to prevent what was clearly unwanted at that stage.
Anyways, I went over to take my things this morning and we are on better terms. She'll be leaving the house, as it's under my name, in a week's time for her parents place too.
I do forgive her, and have asked her to seek support if need be, professionally that is and she has agreed. Thank you for all the help and support, I'm grieving both losses now but I'm hopeful that one is for the better. God bless.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
I mean its still wild she probably dropped like $300-500 on the tattoo in the first place and now has to wait 3-4 months to get it removed. The violence was kinda unsurprising as a reader, she's not being rational and those kinds of people usually resort to violence in the end. Good luck.
her getting that tat means 1 of 2 things: 1]She cheated on you with him, or 2]she is severely mentally ill.
Not to tarnish your memory of your brother but isn't anybody else suss that the ex kept 2 pregnancies from OP then got a tattoo of the brother on her? There are a million different ways to honour someone but to have his face on her and then got violent when she was asked to cover or remove it. You sure she didn't have a thing with him?