Man considers calling off wedding due to fiancée's insistence on inviting his 'toxic' parents. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my fiancé there will be no wedding if she keeps insisting I invite my parents?"
ObjectiveNational517
So some backstory: My dad left the family and went no contact when I (35M) was 4. My mom remarried and had two kids with my stepdad. My stepdad never treated me poorly but always made clear that I was Dale (fake name) to him. He was not my dad. My mom never tried to fix the relationship and honestly loved her new family and always saw me as a burden.
That’s what I thought at least until it was confirmed after my freshmen year of college when my mom asked me not to come home anymore. I blocked her after that phone call and have had no contact with her or my stepdad (and half-brother) since then. I do still speak to my half-sister (25F) at her insistence but that’s my only contact.
It took me a long time to deal with basically being kicked out of my family. I grew to be pretty independent and thought I’d live alone until I met my fiance (28F) 4 years ago.
We have had a great relationship and her family opened up and invited me in with open arms. She comes from a pretty typical suburban family and they are great. Over the years I’ve told her about my issues with my family, she has met my sister and she never pushed for more, until we started planning the wedding.
When we started talking about who we would invite I talked about friends from college and co-workers and she kept saying I should invite my parents. At first I thought she was just trying to gauge if I wanted to. I said I would not be inviting my parents.
She said okay but then brought it up again the next day. I calmly explained how much they hurt me, how growing up feeling you were unwanted and then having it confirmed at 19 really stunted my mental health.
That over the years I have realized it’s their problem and if they ever want to solve it then they can initiate but I am in contact with my sister and it is clear they are happy insisting I don’t exist. It sucks but it’s their problem that they have thrust onto me. I can’t be the one to solve it.
I thought it had ended but she has brought it up two more times. The last one was last night, we were about to start the save the dates and she said “are you sure you don’t want to invite you parents? I feel like I might just invite them on my side.” And I snapped.
I told her we should probably just throw the invitations away because if you can’t respect what I’ve been through then I don’t want to marry you. I then went to our bedroom and fumed for awhile.
She came in to try to talk to me and I walked out, grabbed my keys and left. I came back around 11pm after hanging with friends and slept on the couch. She left for work without a word to me and I don’t know where we stand. Her behavior is unacceptable but I feel I may have gone too far. What do you all think, AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ed_lv
NTA. Have a conversation with her, lay all your cards on the table and tell her that you will never have contact with your parents, no matter what she or anyone else says. Also tell her that if she ever brings this issue up, you will end the relationship and move on immediately.
NecroBelch
NTA. Be aware that she may already be in contact with the parents.
dmmegoosepics
This!!! Some people have martyr complex where they feel like they need to force reconciliations so everyone can be one big happy family. This happened in this subreddit months back and the fiancé was so bold as to surprise them at their home with their estranged parent. Immature selfish people will ignore boundaries in the pursuit of their delusions.
Zestyclose-Sky-1921
She's already in contact with your parents. This particular kind of obliviousness doesn't start with asking permission but rather begging forgiveness.
The OP responded here:
ObjectiveNational517
I don’t think so. I go to dinner or talk with my sister every Thursday night and she would hint if my mom and Dale wanted to reconcile. They don’t. They honestly are happier pretending I don’t exist.
facinationstreet
You did not go too far. Honestly, we see posts on here with regular frequency where someone's partner thinks they know better and invite the estranged family to the wedding as a 'surprise' or have gone behind their partner's back and forged a relationship with the estranged family because 'they're family'.
She is not taking you seriously and I will not be surprised if she goes behind your back and does all of the above and more. Time to take a step back from her so you can breathe and make the decisions that feel right to you. NTA.
celticmusebooks
IMHO you need to sit down with her and tell her that either you need to push back the wedding date to get some couple's therapy for HER issues of not HEARING you and RESPECTING you as a partner OR if she isn't willing to work on HER problem then calling off the wedding is the only option.
As some here have suggested there's a fair chance she's already contacted your mom about the wedding. If you do go on with the wedding be clear that if she brings it up again the wedding is off-- and if they somehow show up "oops" that you would absolutely leave the venue. Without respect and trust there's no point in getting married. NTA but it sounds like you're engaged to one.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
ObjectiveNational517
I’m very overwhelmed by the response. So many thoughtful responses. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I thought I would give an update. My fiance normally gets home around 5:30pm so after I was done working (I work from home).
I waited for her to show up. Got very worried when it was 6 and she still wasn’t home but around 6:15 she shows up with my sister which was a big surprise. While my sister and I connect every Thursday we live 45 minutes away from each other so her popping by is not normal.
Both of them looked very anxious so I was very confused. I asked them what was going on and my sister just bursts into tears and saying she’s sorry. After like 5 minutes of her losing her shit she starts talking about the family.
So apparently when she told my mom and Dale that I got engaged it started a rift between them. Not because they cared about me but about how my half brother, which is 27, is still living at home, single with no steady job.
If you’re thinking, wow they kicked you out at 19 but let him stay there past when he could rent a car, don’t worry I said it out loud. My mom apparently wants to do the same to my half brother but Dale won’t let her. So they are currently separated. With my mom living family and refusing to come back until my half brother is out of the house.
For some reason that defies all logic and reason my sister thinks getting an invite to my wedding will bring the family together. Since it was my engagement that caused the rift. At this I blew up a bit.
I told her that my engagement had nothing to do with it, that their terrible parenting and poor relationship skills caused it and don’t put that on me. She cried even harder, and this time I was not going to console her. My fiancé is just sitting there the whole time so while my sister is trying to get herself together I question my fiance about this.
She also tears up a bit but tells me my sister was telling her about how I always bring up the family on our Thursday and that deep down I wanted to repair the relationship. I asked how she could believe that when I was very clear that I was no contact with my family and had never mentioned wanting to be in contact.
I told her that I tell her everything and would never hold back something like this without talking to her. She’s always been my sounding board. When I switched jobs last year, we talked about it every night and her advice mattered more than anyone else.
She apologized and then wanted to show me her phone. Specifically the messages between her and my sister. At this point my sister perks up and asks her not to show the phone conversation. But my fiancé tells her she’s trying to save her relationship.
My sister has just been straight up lying about our Thursday conversations. Saying how I was always talking about reconciling, how I would never admit it but I’m partially at fault too, how I really want to see them all again.
Every time I would tell my fiance no she would text my sister and my sister would talk about how I just couldn’t be open because I was embarrassed. Just completely false. I would be perfectly happy never seeing any of them again. I can’t believe my sister still sees them. At this I tell my half sister to leave and that Thursdays are cancelled.
My sister puts up a little bit of a fight but I ignore her until she leaves. She keeps saying sorry over and over again but honestly I’m done with her. I’ve blocked her and will be no contact with her for the time being. A complete betrayal of my feelings and relationships.
As for my fiancé and I. I am still very upset. She went behind my back with my sister. Never asked me about it. Let my sister manipulate her and honestly hurt me. I told her I love her but my trust is broken. We’ve agreed to go to couples therapy and see if we can repair the relationship. I hope we can but I’d say it’s a toss up for me. She’s got a lot of work to do.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Contribution4afriend
Oooohhhhhh sister sister. She is nuts thinking a wedding will fix anything. And lying to your fiance? Why didn't she ask you about this especially? "Honey, I talked with your sister and I am confused about this? Can we talk deeper?" The end. Postpone the wedding because I bet somehow someone will gossip more to your mother and Dale. I wouldn't answer the door or unknown numbers.
Ranma_st
This 100% Talk to your boyfriend and let him know, don't go behind his back and stab him with disrespect like this.
CompetitivePurpose96
I was not expecting your half sister to be the root cause for your fiancée suggesting you invite your family to your wedding. I think going no contact with her is best for your mental health because I couldn’t get past someone trying to destroy my own relationship for their personal gain.
Depending on when your wedding date is you may decide to postpone the wedding a few months to give you and your fiancée time to strengthen your relationship again, but I think it’s a great idea doing couples counseling. Since it wasn’t your fiancée’s idea to invite your family to your wedding alone, I think you’ll be more likely to trust her fully again. Good luck OP!
No-Resolution713
I think there more thing going that your sister didn't tell It is best to cut all indirect content with that family. You can decide that you want a relationship with your sister or not if she cared about you she'd never have talk about you to that family its hard coming back from that.
As for your fiancee its hard to trust her after this but its up to you that you want to work this out or not. Best of luck from me dude you deserve better people in your life.