'AITA for telling my FIL he can’t hump the floor at my house or in my presence?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my FIL he can’t hump the floor at my house or in my presence?"
Crazy title and I wish it weren’t true but here we are. Unfortunately I’m asking because I’m possibly in a state of being gaslit OR i actually can’t take a joke and I can’t see it. My FIL (late 50s) is known for being VERY playful - goofy some would even say.
Well him, my MIL (late 50s) and 3 sibling in-laws (20M & 27M28F-married couple) came to stay with my husband and I at our home (28F30M) and to see our new LO (7 months).
Well LO was put to bed and we were all in the living room area hanging out, doing stretches, just casually talking, when FIL decided it would be funny to start humping the ground out of no where.
And unfortunately it was directly in front of me (not MIL). Mil and I looked at each other in shock while his children all laughed and chuckled. FIL made it clear that the gesture was meant for his wife despite it being directly in front of me (with eye contact) so we dropped it.
The night passed, they left town, and after a few days of not being able to shake the image in my head, I decided to talk with my husband about how uncomfortable it made me ALONG WITH other sexual jokes he makes about us all being married and etc.
There’s been this big divide now on how I’m always ruining the fun, how it was “just a joke” and not a sexual gesture, and how I’ll always find a problem when my husbands family is in town. His family thinks this however, when I speak with my mom, sister, cousins, and anyone on my side of the world, they see his “joke(s)” and “gesture” as totally inappropriate.
My FIL tried to make the point that I’ve done TikTok dances in his home with the other sibling in laws and my husband and he’s never felt uncomfortable because he knows they’re harmless and that it’s not fair for me to judge him about this vs knowing his intent (which was to just make a joke).
My point is, even though I’m not on tiktok and I don’t post videos, everything I’ve done is postable, him slow stroking the ground is not. My husband got mad at me for not seeing it as a joke and so did the other married siblings who were in the room that were raised by FIL.
So AITA for saying that my FIL humping the floor in my home/presence made me uncomfortable and drawing that boundary. I genuinely would appreciate feedback because I plan to have another conversation soon and I want to know that I’m coming into the conversation grounded in reality.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Can your husband explain the joke… to you and his mother? Can FIL? Cause I don’t get it either. Just straight up gross.
Thr0wAwayFrisbee (OP)
This is a good point and I’m wondering if I should actually ask to see what the response is.
Exactly. Say you don’t get it. Ask him to explain why it’s funny. I’m betting his answer if he manages to come up with one will be “it just is”. Your response to that should be “but why is it? I just don’t get it.” Keep asking why.
As a person who loves comedy and hates bad comedy, this is the way. This is my normal go to when people try to say racist or sexist jokes to me, usually leaves them stammering.
NTA. Your in laws are weird af for enabling this behavior. Your husband is weird for getting upset you didn’t “get the joke.” Wtf. His father made you uncomfortable. I’d be sick to my stomach if I saw my FIL do that. And your husband’s reaction is to get upset with you instead of address it with his dad? 👀 Gross. All around gross.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
ALL ABOARD FOR THE HOT-MESS EXPRESS! Firstly, thank you to all of the responses. I genuinely appreciate the kind, blunt, informative, funny, and not so nice comments because truly I was looking for ALL perspectives.
It felt reassuring to see that majority (not all) of you felt like it was, in fact, inappropriate/ gross/ weird/ odd/ sick and especially having folks that aren’t like me (religious, jokesters, etc) still see the behavior as not the best. This is a 24 hour update.
So the reason I followed up with my FIL/MIL wasn’t because my FIL never apologized- HE DID! Reluctantly but he did. I followed up with them because of one particular event that happened on the first phone call when my husband (yes although mad at me) told them that I was uncomfortable.
My FIL’s immediate response to my husband (and I) saying I was uncomfortable was that he (FIL) was uncomfortable with the fact that I was uncomfortable and that this all made him feel bad because it’s not fair that I was uncomfortable. He apologized and truly it COULD HAVE stopped right there because truly he’s entitled to his feelings.
But it didn’t stop there. It got back to me that he was telling the other in-laws (siblings) how I couldn’t have fun, I ruin the fun when they’re around, he’s uncomfortable because I’m looking at him like that and that it hurts because I don’t know him better etc etc etc. stuff came up about the tiktok dances and how there was room for interpretation regarding them being inappropriate ETC.
Let me clear one thing up- imagine dances like milly rock, shoot, dougie, 2000’s hip hop. Imagine church dances that you see in African American culture (since we’re religious) like shouting, praising. THAT! There was no twerking, jiving, or jirating.
There were maybe 6 (max 8) videos and HALF of them were religious oriented. Nothing seductive, fully clothed, very appropriate. And actually there hasn’t been a video of me dancing nor have I danced there in maybe the last 2-3 years. So let’s just place that there.
OKAY! Him feeling upset wasn’t a problem, it was the taking to the in-laws and word getting back to me and me being questioned about “why I can’t just enjoy the moments and the jokes”. It was the, “why can’t you be happy around them”. I explained that our beliefs and values don’t align to my brother in law (BIL) which is who came to me.
BUT For me, this meant one thing clearly- I can’t say, ”I’m uncomfortable” and that simply be received. All of the side talk (BIL confirmed) showed me one thing. There clearly was tension and ill things being spoken so my husband suggested I speak with my in laws versus immediately separating myself. Maybe there was a misunderstanding, let’s just talk it out and see!
How did that conversation go? As you would expect- TERRIBLE. My in-laws were incredibly irate and yelled majority of the time. The part that hurt them the most was me talking to my mother (who’s also a part of the church community). Talking to her meant that I (IN THEIR WORDS) “exposed him” and now she “sees FIL in a different light”. Their words.
One part of the conversation sounded like this:
FIL: how would you feel if I told folks you prostitute?
Me: I would feel like that’s a lie.
FIL: EXACTLY! That’s how I feel.
Me: except I didn’t lie about anything. I just told my mom the facts and how it made me feel.
MIL: well OP, doesn’t feel like she lied so she doesn’t understand.
Me: where was the lie? I only told the facts!
FIL: but OP you made me look bad. MIL: yeah OP you’ve now shown him in a different light and that doesn’t show his character. He has a good heart.
A lot of our conversation sounded like that. I’m also realizing a lot of the conversation was rooted in bullying (and that’s the nice way of me saying it) some of the comments sounded like…
We can joke with all our married friends and married children about sexual conversation but we see we can’t do that with you (MIL). We just can’t make any jokes around you so I guess we probably need to be careful with how we talk. I don’t know how I’ll act around you now (MIL).
What you did was BAD and you shouldn’t have told your family(FIL) To this point, all they know is that I talked to my mom. And what’s interesting about this is that when I asked who should I have spoken to about my discomfort, the response was ”well we’re not saying who you CAN talk to but you shouldn’t have told anybody about this, you could’ve come talk to MIL.”
I told them I wasn’t safe to talk to MIL because of what I’m seeing IN REAL TIME with the conversation we were having. Reddit readers, when I say it was a bunch of yelling, and insulting (saying don’t be dumb, what you did is bad, etc) I’m not kidding.
I told them, “in the future, I hope the in laws (their children’s spouses) can come to them when something makes them uncomfortable and it be received”. They said, “aren’t you being received now?”, and I said, “no.
I’m being met with screaming, insults, threats of being cut off (FIL said this) and that this is emotionally unsafe”. I said that even with expressing myself. FIL is only getting angrier. He agreed. He explained that he’s the “adult” and that I should listen and thats my problem. I shouldn’t have talked to anyone; it made him look bad.
He said that doesn’t want to talk to me and will move differently with me. He no longer wants to come over to our home (thank the heavens). He yelled these things and when I asked him to stop yelling, he said no I’m mad. When I asked could he stop insulting, he said no maybe we don’t need to talk.
I said you’re right, we don’t if we can’t respect each other. He said OP, YOU need to respect me. I said grab control, he said you grab control. We ended the call with him repeating leave me alone and crying very hard while yelling. I’m not kidding.
Now let me say this. I never raised my voice, insulted, or over talked anyone because I’ve seen this with my other sister in law (married into the family like me). It’s easy to feel provoked and get into a screaming match, but when you’re cool as a cucumber emotionally, that sends them OVER the edge. And that’s what happened. And fortunately I “documented” the conversation for proof.
How did it end? FIL kept repeating OP, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone and I told him he’s an autonomous being and that he’s able to hang up the phone anytime he wants so after saying leave me alone at least 4-5 times, he hung up.
They called my husband (who was NOT present for this conversation - and didn’t want to be) and simply told him the conversation was rough. Or at least that’s what he told me and I could tell the conversation lasted less than 10 minutes.
My husband was overwhelmed with everything and honestly I think some of you were spot on. He named the “joke” (sexual gesture, humping the ground) as inappropriate with me privately but when he heard himself (after I reconfirmed) he said, no YOU (op) said it was inappropriate.
He’s done this a few times so I really do believe he sees that it wasn’t appropriate, I just think he’s struggling to SAY it because that goes against all that he’s been taught and whatever else happened in that home.
Lastly I’ll say this. A few things that happened on the phone call with the in laws that felt off: They’ve said I’ve made them uncomfortable before in the past for things like arguing with my husband in their home in their presence and they talked to us about it at the time (years ago).
I said yes and yall told us it made you uncomfy and we resolved. why am I not able to do the same? They responded because you’re blowing this UP! I asked how? They said. Because you talked to your mom. (They only found that out on the phone call even tho they came in with yelling and told their children (my in laws).
This is long so I’ll stop here. Nonetheless, Ask all the questions, and help me make sense of something that REALLY doesn’t make sense. I will be and am being as honest as I possibly can and I recognize that this is a hot mess. But unfortunately I can’t make this stuff up. I’ll respond to comments. Tell me your thoughts!
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
That was... Exhausting. OP needs to get her husband on the same page as her, or else that marriage is as doomed as her relationship with his family. I'd want to get away from them so fast and so far.
She’s so busy fighting and fending off her in laws that she’s forgotten she’s supposed to have a teammate.
Honey, I need you to sit down and really consider if you want to deal with this for the rest of your life. Nobody deserves to live a life where their husband makes them feel alone in their feelings. This is as much a FIL/family-IL problem as it is a husband problem.
At some point, whether it be now or whenever more hits the fan, you need to identify what you need in a relationship to feel supported. And then talk with your husband about it not just once or twice, but as many times as you need to to convince him that you deserve to feel supported.
But remember, you can’t force people to change if they don’t want to. If your husband can’t make you feel the support you need, you’re allowed (encouraged!) to put yourself FIRST and do what you need to do to find the support you deserve.
Thr0wAwayFrisbee (OP)
Truly I’m hoping marriage counseling can help us (per some suggestions on the other post) because you’re absolutely right, I won’t have the mental capacity to do this forever.
Your husband does get to "sit things out" when it comes to his family being toxic, inappropriate, and demeaning to you. This is a huge red flag and I hope you treat it as such.