'AITA for telling my friend I don't want to end up like her after she told me to lower my standards?'

"AITA for telling my friend i don't want to end up like her after she told me to lower my standards?"

I (22F) met Rachel (23F) 3 years ago in university, and we became friends. For context, I have never dated before and I am ok with that, I don't purposefully seek out relationship and I am comfortable being by myself. I have a few close friends and this is enough for me.

In contrast, Rachel has had a lot of boyfriends, and doesn't like to be single (her words). She met her husband, Max, 2 years ago in one of the uni classes, and they quickly began dating. He isn't the most pleasant guy to be around imo, and they had quite a few big arguments during the relationship.

He even tried to flirt with me, and I told Rachel about it, but she dismissed it saying he was probably just trying to butter me up so I help him with homework. He has told some s#$ist jokes in the past too. Whenever they fought, I always told Rachel she deserves better and to break up with him, but in the end they always made up. He proposed to her after one year, and they got married 4 months ago.

However, after they moved in together (in the flat that Rachel's parents pay the rent for) Max became even worse. He never helps out with cleaning or cooking, doesn't really take Rachel out on dates anymore, and whenever she tries to talk to him about it, Max tells her to stop complaining about "wife's duties."

So, a few days ago Rachel asked me if I would like to go on a date with one of her friends from high school who is single and is looking for a relationship. I've never been on a date before, so I agreed out of curiosity. We went to a nice restaurant.

The guy never asked me a single question about myself back, and after I got tired of coming up with questions about him, we just sat the rest of the meal in awkward silence. We split the bill, and after he walked me to the subway station, he tried to kiss me. I declined as politely as I could and went home. The next day I met up with Rachel. Apparently she's already heard about how the date went from her friend.

She asked me why I rejected him. I told her the reasons I mentioned before, and that I didn't really like the guy. Then she rolled her eyes and said that I need to lower my standards because I'm honestly not that attractive, that I blew maybe my only chance to date, and if I continue like that I'll end up forever alone. Even though she knows I'm fine without a relationship!

Also I'm not insecure about my appearance, but hearing my friend say that about me hurt. I got angry and said "Better to be forever alone than end up like you, with a husband that doesn't respect me". She started crying and said that I'm being rude when she's just trying to look out for me, and then left. We haven't texted or spoken since.

Honestly I'm not sure if I want to salvage this friendship after finding out this is how Rachel felt about me all this time. However, I feel guilty for saying this to her when I knew it was a sore spot, and also for kinda blaming her for the fact that her husband is awful. So, AITA in this situation?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

take-no-sh-t-85 wrote:

Your “friend” wants you to be as miserable as her! No thanks! It’s not about lower your standards or expectations to have a connection with someone either. She can be a slave and be married to an AH you however don’t have to be.

How rude of her to say you’re not that much of a catch and try and make you feel insecure about your appearance. I don’t think this person is actually a good friend or she would be saying you can do better than someone who doesn’t show an interest.

A little off topic but I feel I need to say this incase you have not thought about it some people are vile and I honestly wouldn’t put it past this “friend” to be telling her male friends she has a v*rgin friend and men to want to exploit that so be careful about who your date if they are friends with her.

OP responded:

Wow I haven't even thought about that...yeesh and I don't want to think about it😬 but thank you for the warning, I'll keep that in mind!

mydearmanda wrote:

NTA if she felt comfortable enough to be that rude to you, then she should be able to handle the backlash. If you’re going to comment and make judgments about other people’s choice then you open your life to criticism too. It’s not a one way street. And sometimes people need a slap in the face to realize the s#$t they put up with is not normal or desirable by other people.

bubblynmuse wrote:

She basically tried to break you down just because you didn’t tolerate what she has settled for, that’s not “looking out,” that’s projecting. You weren’t cruel, you just reflected her reality back to her and yeah it stung, but that’s not on you.

She insulted your appearance, dismissed your comfort being single, and then cried victim when u clapped back…nah, that’s manipulative af. You don’t owe her emotional labor while she’s dragging u just to feel better about her own choices. If this friendship don’t feel safe anymore, you don’t gotta fix it.

FoxyDepression wrote:

NTA. If those were your exact words, then I don't think "husband who doesn't respect you" is that mean of a statement. You could have been a lot meaner. That being said, you also didn't need to be mean at all. You could have been the bigger person, expressed your hurt without throwing it back at her, and maybe reflected on the future of your relationship later or something.

You did choose to say something with the intention of hurting her. Its more so a question of whether you think she deserve it for not. I'm inclined to say she did. Harsh words on her end. It didn't help the relationship obviously but like you said, you may not be invested in the health of this relationship anymore.

prenumbralqueen wrote:

NTA -- "talk s#$t, get hit" is my motto, especially when it concerns people who obviously don't respect you. You sound like you have very appropriate standards, and are only going to bother with people who are interested in you, respect you, and care to put effort into a date. If that's too low for your friend, then she sounds like one of those people who marry just to say they're married. You're probably better off.

mxxncxnty wrote:

NTA. I don't even feel any reason to go into detail because you're so NTA it's like your actually bootyhole just left the building. you can't poop now. That's how NTA you are.