'AITA for telling my friend she must accept my brother's engagement?'

"AITA for telling my friend she must accept my brother's engagement?"

My younger brother Jake is 21, and two years ago, he got engaged. None of us knew who this woman, Layla, was. He met her at college and just decided she was the one, apparently. They hadn't even dated. They just hung out together at a student group, he decided they were perfect for each other, he asked her to marry him and she said yes.

If that story sounds crazy, imagine how I felt hearing it for the first time. I'm his sister. I was confounded. They had no intention of getting married until after graduation, and they planned to just be engaged until then.

I resolved to do whatever I could to help Jake shake whatever madness he was suffering from. When I met Layla I was twice as confused as before. I thought she was weird and off-putting and didn't understand why my brother would want to marry her.

My friend, Carrie (also fake name) was as confused and upset as I was. They were close when we were all kids, and we all always used to say that they would eventually get together. She was my coconspirator in my resolution to end my brother's engagement. She was as confident as I was that Layla was no good for Jake.

Two years passed, and I have come around on Layla. She and my brother have more in common than I initially realized. She makes him happy, and he makes her happy. I have given up any ideas of them breaking up.

Carrie still thinks Jake and Layla need to break up, but the wedding is scheduled for June. It's happening. Money has already been spent. I stopped actively rooting against them a while ago. Carrie chastised me today for not doing anything about the Layla situation. She reminded me that we both agreed Layla isn't the right person for my brother.

I told Carrie that it's been two years, and obviously they are better suited for each other than we initially realized. I said she had her chance to date my brother if that's what she wanted, but she didn't take it. Carrie said we had always planned to be sisters, and that Jake wasn't supposed to get engaged, that they were supposed to find each other once they were both older and mature and had experienced dating.

I said that if Carried loved Jake she would have wanted to be with him immediately, not only after she got sick of dating. Carrie was offended and told me that I'm deluding myself and Jake and Layla will never work out. She also said that their relationship is toxic and rooted in antiquated gender roles. I got mad and told her to grow up.

I feel terrible. Carrie is my dear friend. Everything she said is what I also said two years ago. It's not fair for me to snap at her for not accepting what I also couldn't accept not too long ago. Was I an ahole to her? I don't know what it feels like to lose your chance with a person you thought might be your future.

She's convinced Layla won't make my brother happy, but I don't think either of us actually knows what makes him happy. We both thought he would eventually fall in love with Carrie and her modern stylish ways, but he fell in love with a frumpy plain girl and seems very happy. If she's what he likes, I don't think Carrie ever actually stood a chance.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Loud_Classroom5334 said:

I hope Carrie’s not invited to the wedding. I would advise against it.

Teamtunafish said:

NTA. It looks like you have been observing the situation and have changed your mind. Good for you, few have the gumption to admit they might be wrong. You have tried to explain this to Carrie. It's not your fault she doesn't want to see it.

Sun_Blossoms said:

ESH. You suck for not accepting your brother’s relationship and encouraging Carrie’s delusion for two years. Carrie sucks for her current behavior. You both suck for trying to decide what Jake’s life is gonna be and not viewing him as a person with his own feelings who can make his own decisions.

I don’t really care that you’ve come around now. You should’ve been there from the start. You should’ve shut Carrie down earlier. Why did you ever think it was okay to sabotage his relationship? That’s so cruel. You’re supposed to be his family and you were working against him this whole time. Your brother and Layla deserve to be treated better.

Mabel_Waddles_BFF said:

Honestly ESH. You suck for plotting with your friend to end your brother’s engagement referring to his fiancée as "weird and off putting" and a "frumpy plain girl." Given all that, you can’t take the moral high ground with your friend and act like she’s being unreasonable.

Honestly, you sound like a nasty mean girl who needs to do a lot of growing up. And given how you and your friend act it’s hardly surprising Jake has 0 interest dating anyone even remotely the same.

omrmajeed said:

YTA for going along in the 1st place. She is toxic. Keep her away from your family.

WillingObligation111 said:

NTA. This stopped being about Layla a long time ago and is clearly about Carrie not letting go of the version of the future she imagined. Your brother is an adult, he’s happy, and the wedding is happening. At some point supporting him matters more than indulging someone else’s unresolved feelings.

verca_ said:

YTA. Credit where it's due, you have to be honest with yourself and admit it is your fault Carrie is acting like this. I bet it was you who encouraged her to get together with your brother and it was most likely you who instigated this crusade against Layla.

And now that you have realized that your brother and Layla love each other and your stupid attempts to break them up are futile, you're acting like some kind of saint who gets to preach to your equally insane friend? Spare me. You are no better than Carrie.

OutsideEnvironment97 said:

YTA so is Carrie. You need to let your brother know everything even your cruelty and pettiness about the woman he loves. Please outgrow your mean girl thinking and realize looks aren't everything. I hope Carrie doesn't ruin the wedding because of you