'AITA for telling my friend she was selfish for making her own plans on my wedding day?'

"AITA for telling my friend she was selfish for making her own plans on my wedding day?"

My friend and I are both 27F and have been friends since we were 8 y/o. I got married this past April and she was a bridesmaid in the wedding. About 9 months out from the wedding I learn from my MOH that because this friend doesn't want to pay for a hotel room, she instead had texted the entire bridal party (excluding me and the groom) about booking a large airbnb together with their s/o's.

MOH said the group text indicated that this airbnb was for the bridal party but not the bride and groom. This airbnb plan ultimately fizzled out, but I texted my friend/bridesmaid to just to talk with her about how it bothered me that she was trying to make new plans for my wedding party for my wedding weekend without saying anything to me or my now husband.

She was very defensive and told me it wasn't a big deal, and dismissed my feelings entirely. The conversation ended and we just didn't have a reason to talk for a while. Fast forward to my bachelorette weekend, and lots of wine, and she made some comment about the lodging for my wedding weekend and I snapped at her in front of everyone.

I told her that she was selfish and only cared about what she wanted. Later that night we tried to hash things out and I apologized for snapping at her but tried to explain that I did think she was selfish for trying to change my wedding plans without telling me and then also dismissing me when I tried to talk with her about it.

I told her it hurt my feelings that as a friend of almost 20 yrs she could care so little about my intentions and opinions of my wedding. When I said she wouldn't appreciate it if the roles were reversed, she told me that she really couldn't entertain that hypothetical bc she wasn't seeing anyone.

We smoothed over the conversation that evening but I'm not totally sure that either of us saw the other person's side. Then leading up to the wedding everything seemed normal again with us and she was enthusiastic about the wedding and left me a thoughtful card on the day of.

Now that the wedding is over she doesn't speak to me, she didn't tell me she was coming to town multiple times, or that she's moving to the area that I live in. Come to find out she told another friend that she was "just getting through the wedding" and had planned to stop talking to me after. AITA for telling her that was selfish?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Tiny_Economist2732 said:

I stand with the YTA assessment here but I want to toss in, because I dont see it made clear anywhere, the bride may be upset about the hotel/airbnb situation in the case that they may have gotten some sort of group discount if a certain number of rooms are being used at the hotel.

If that all changed suddenly the bride/groom would then be stuck with either the cancellation fees for the room or just a general full charge for their room. A lot of hotels/resorts whatever have package deals for this very purpose. Whether or not that's the case I can't say.

And without that clarification the bride just seems super controlling. Edit: To clarify I don't agree with the bride and groom expecting people to stay at one place just to reap the benefits. The only time I'd be on board is if everyone got a discounted price.

Even_Budget2078 said:

YTA. It sounds like the airbnb was more economical. Why is that a problem?? It's clear that you were not paying for your wedding party's hotel rooms, so guess what? You don't get to control where the wedding party stays. Like hello? Also, what on earth are you trying to suggest about the bride and groom not being included in the airbnb rental?

Just what? Where you and the groom stay is NOT relevant to where wedding guests stay and please be serious, you would have what- stayed in an airbnb with your wedding party for your wedding?

Of course not. Your complaints make no sense, you were thoughtless about the costs you were imposing on your wedding party, YOU were being incredibly selfish, and you had no cause to say anything to your friend except to thank her for attending and celebrating with you.

growsonwalls said:

I counted 6 "my wedding." You are so controlling you are furious that she tried to arrange a different lodging arrangement for the wedding? She wasn't showing up in a white dress or trying to upstage you with a surprise proposal. Your tone sounds so harsh and abrasive I'm not surprised she distanced herself as soon as the wedding was over. YTA.

jrm1102 said:

YTA - I cant help but feel we are only getting your extremely biased take. Given how your friend just completely abandoned your friendship post wedding as well, seems like you flipped out and completely blew this airbnb thing way out of proportion.

elegantsweatshirt said:

YTA and here’s why. Attempting to arrange a sensible, economically friendly group accommodation doesn’t count as “making her own plans.” Unless you had booked everyone rooms like an actual host, which you didn’t.

It would have been weird to include you and the groom in this arrangement. And there was no reason for her to bother you with the logistics of arranging where the bridal party might sleep. She was actually being thoughtful. If I were you I’d consider apologizing to your friend and giving people a break in the future.

Karabaja007 said:

I am so sick of these brides and weddings like their wedding is the biggest f thing in the whole world. No, it isn't. Get all over yourselves, you cannot control other people, they are human beings and not your accessories that you can place as you wish. They are family and friends who deserve autonomy and respect and consideration cause they matter too, not ONLY the bride!

Why did you need to know where are they sleeping? Tell me one good reason besides you knowing aka controlling it. People must wear what you tell them, they must act as you tell them, they must sleep where you tell them because what happens if not?

Then the brides will cry and scream that the wedding is ruined, and somehow reddit thinks it is perfectly reasonable. I can't, I just can't anymore. Rant over. Disclosure: I was a bride.

buttleakMcgee said:

YTA. Why does it matter where they go to sleep on the night of your wedding? Wont you be busy with your husband? Also I know some hotels offer a discounted room for the wedding couple if a certain amount of guest book a room with the group rate so is this the issue?