"AITA for telling my friend I share everything with my wife and I don't believe in bro code?'

"AITA for telling my friend I share everything with my wife and I don't believe in bro code?"

My friend and I have been friends for twenty-five years. We know each other well. We're both happily married. We never really dive into deep talks or anything like that. He has said things before that really weren't appropriate about women (not cheating or anything) and says haha bro code. I have told him forever that I don't believe in bro code.

IMO if you can't say something in front of your wife then you either shouldn't be saying it, you should work on your communication, or you're not as compatible as you thought. Plus I'm not protecting someone if they do something that goes against my own personal moral code. I mean if he k**led someone I'd be there with a shovel and a hole and not tell anyone, there's always exceptions.

Much later he wanted to talk to me about something and told me it was in confidence and I told him again, something he already knew, that anything he tells me he's telling my wife too. They have also known each other nearly twenty years and get along great. We lived together for almost a decade - any time he wanted to talk about something he'd go to her and he knew that she'd tell me.

There's nothing I don't tell my wife. Same for her. We both believe communication and openness are the key to a happy relationship, and we are pretty f#$kin happy. We basically never argue or disagree and both of us know each other down to the core. So this last time after telling him again that anything he confides in me will also go to my wife, he got upset.

He contacted all of our friends and asked them if they'd go running to their wives when someone confided in them and they're all on his side. I understand that it's not normal, but he has always known this, so it's not like it's a surprise. AITA for not wanting to keep secrets from my wife and being open about that?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

OkayFightingRobot wrote:

What? Bro code is stupid but this isn’t what that is. He wants to talk to his friend about something privately. If it’s like really problematic or actually concerns your wife then by all means tell her but you’re saying you can’t just have a confidential talk with your bro?

He might want to talk about a certain way he’s been feeling about his relationship and you literally can’t resist blabbing to your wife? But also You’ll help him bury a body “no questions asked?” YTA, man.

Substantialquit2653 wrote:

YTA. I think keeping some things between friends and not share with your spouse is perfectly acceptable. Sometimes people just want to vent to a friend. If your friend came to you and confided that he was worried he was having trouble s*xually, or felt that he was in a rut (professionally, personally, whatever), why would you feel that your wife needed to know that? Why couldn't your friend just confide that in you?

True friendship is intimate. It's knowing that you can confide difficult things to someone and that person understands and supports you and maintains your privacy. And, just as an aside, I 100% do not believe that your wife tells you everything. I'm sure you have a wonderful, loyal marriage, but I seriously doubt that your wife tells you everything her friends say. That's just naive to think.

puzzlebuns wrote:

YTA. You don't need to blab everything to your wife. Obviously if it's something that concerns her or if she asks about it then tell her. But if it's none of her business, why cant you keep your friend's confidence? That's just basic discretion. If you can't even be discrete for the sake of your friend, then you're not really their friend.

DivergingParallelism wrote:

YTA. You are ready to help him burry a body, no questions asked (and no wife present) but you can't have a private conversation with him? You might want to check on your moral priorities.

DJJINO wrote:

People are going to come at me for this but I believe what friends share should be kept a secret. Why does your wife have to know something about your friend that he wants kept secret? Unless it directly affects your wife, why does she have to know everything about everyone?

fallriver1221 wrote:

YTA "there's nothing I don't tell my wife" that's fine when it concerns YOUR BUSINESS. Not fine when it concerns friends business.

Keeping your friends personal things between the two of you is literally just basic human decency. Your idea of my wife is entitled to anything and everything you have to say is unbelievable. Friends should be allowed to confide in friends without said "friend" feeling like they have a right to tell their wife all the hot gossip.

It's one thing when it comes to making inappropriate comments, but when I friend says "hey I need to talk and I want to keep it between us" then you honor that, not tell them "I keep nothing from my wife so you have to tell her all your personal business or don't tell me" What if the thing he wanted to talk about privately was serious? You just brushed him off and said "my wife has to be involved or shut up."

Imagine he wanted to reach out for help because he's battling suicidal thoughts and you just said "well my wife is entitled to your business too so if you tell me you have to tell her" then you lose him because you felt the need to be a gossip queen with no respect for other peoples privacy and showed you're not someone that can be trusted for support.

Your wife should be involved in things about you directly. She should not be involved with ANYTHING relating to your friends lives without permission. It's not keeping secrets. Your wife is not entitled to every detail of your friends lives. They however are entitled to not having their business shared with your wife. Glad your marriage is good because you're on track for people not wanting to be friends with you.