'AITA for telling my friend she can get back in touch when she stops being perpetually busy?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my friend she can get back in touch when she stops being perpetually busy?"

So, long story short: I've had it with one of my friends. We've known each other for about 12 years (met at uni, now we're mid-30s). She's the "permanently busy" type - if you know, you know. Always doing something, can't be alone with her thoughts for one second, hyper-extroverted, etc.

She's a nice person but that pattern of compulsive "busy-ness" got on my nerves from the start. Like...after we graduated she worked part-time. That's it. For extra money she let out the other three bedrooms in her house. No kids, no dogs, no serious partners, no ailing relatives.

And despite working maximum 2-3 days a week from 8 to 3, she was almost impossible to get a hold of. I lived 30 minutes away ON FOOT and we'd still see each other every 3-4 months at best. And every time, the spiel was "I know it's been ages but I'm just so BUSY!"

A few years ago I moved so we're now in different countries. I tried to stay in touch via WhatsApp but even that's been falling apart. Over the lockdown, she got married and had two kids. So you can imagine how hard she is to get a hold of now that she actually has responsibilities and isn't just busy being busy.

So for the past year now our interactions have dwindled down to me sending her life updates and asking about hers...and her getting back weeks later if I'm lucky, months later or not at all if I'm not, with a generic "so sorry, been so busy but you're in my thoughts, how are you x."

Meanwhile she's still pretty active on social media and regularly posting about all the fun things she gets up to with all those other people. So to cut a long story short, I decided this means she's just not interested and trying to tell me nicely. I mean...

How else am I supposed to take barely answering me, and if so mostly just to remind me for the millionth time of just how BUSY she is, while simultaneously showing off all the things and people she *does* miraculously find the time for?

Now here's the kicker. She messaged me about three months after my last message, once again with a generic "so sorry, so busy, how are u xx". And I chose not to respond because I'm over it. A month later (last week) it was my birthday, and she sent a birthday message and sounded quite upset I hadn't responded to the previous one.

I responded by telling her what I said in the title: "What's the point of messaging you anyway, when I already know how it's gonna go? I'll pass. Let me know if you ever get less permanently busy and can keep in touch on a more substantial level than getting back to me months later just to remind me of how busy you are."

I heard through the grapevine (mutual friends/acquaintances) that she's upset at how I talked to her. But I don't think I'm in the wrong here. Am I obligated to keep making an effort for someone who just can't or won't reciprocate? And FFS - isn't it bizarre to get upset when someone you clearly don't care enough about to make an effort to include in your life, lets go?

UPDATE:

Woah, so this has been a learning experience. Thank you all for your perspectives; I didn't expect this to blow up like that. I'll try to respond to everyone but it could be tricky with how fast the comments are pouring in and my not-so-great attention span (ironic, in a post where I'm b-ing about someone being 'busy', huh?).

So the main things I took away, were: I should address issues like that more head-on and earlier, before they fester into a whole ugly feelings-bomb.

I did, in fact, feel some contempt (for her constant talking of how busy she is, when most of it was self-selected; it felt like a martyr act) and envy (for how I was constantly prioritized below other things)...

...pain (for being called 'friend' while not being given what I would consider the friend treatment, like space in someone's life) and resentment (for feeling like I'm being treated like an idiot who somehow can't tell "I'm sooo busy!" followed by 17 Tiktoks is just code for "I'm not that bothered").

A friendship that has any significant of contempt, resentment, envy, anger, or any other negative feeling is not the look when you're in your 30s. I am still pretty harsh even when (in my perception) I'm pulling my punches.

And if so many other people see that, I guess it's more likely that I really do have more aggression than I think, than that they all are overreacting. Many people on the internet can't read. There were a lot of insightful comments and questions that made me think hard about myself...but there were also plenty that completely missed the point and/or put words in my mouth.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Crafter_2307 said:

YTA. You come across as angry and bitter. Some people are genuinely busy. Not having a partner/kids isn’t an indicator people aren’t busy as that seems to be the only grace you offer. Some people are just bad at communicating. Some people occasionally need time away from people and use “busy” as an excuse.

atealein said:

YTA. She did reciprocate and contacted you when she had a thought of you and for your birthday. Include you in her life? You are a friend that lives abroad for the past few years and you are now both in your 30s.

Unless you actually share an interest and are both active chatters about it, friends updates are pretty common to be once few months or a year and the sort of "checking in, want to stay connected even though we are far apart".

Not to mention that you are obviously deeply resentful about her "being busy" without YOU and without understanding how she is busy. "No kids, dogs, serious partners, ailing relatives" - what about friends, hobbies, activities, interests? You are her friend of 12 years, how come you DON'T KNOW HER?

Shirley_Redemple said:

YTA because of the way you talked to her. To be clear, you are not in fact, obligated to keep making an effort for people who aren't reciprocating to your satisfaction. Nor are you obligated to keep up a friendship with someone who "got on your nerves from the start."

But you had countless chances over the last 15-18 years to either speak up in a constructive way, or just start being conveniently busy right back when she texted and focus on the people whose company you enjoy more. That fact that you never did doesn't make up for the fact that you exploded with resentment now.

Your friend also isn't obligated to exactly match your levels of extroversion, "busyness," texting promptness, and so on. Sometimes people just turn out not to be very compatible as friends, and that's okay. It's strange that you see the incompatibility as a personal affront.

Honeydew-Swimming said:

NTA. I cut off a more than decade long friendship for something similar. She had moved to another state, barely kept in contact but when we talked only complained about how much she misses home, I got a place that she could move into, she refused.

Years go by, she reaches out to hang out. Turns out she had moved back months prior and was only reaching out because her boyfriend was having a party with all his friends and she had none (wonder why). Ended up being excuse after excuse when I would try to hang out, I eventually cussed her out and called it the end.

I’m not in high school; don’t want the drama. And you’re NTA. She’s shown you how she values your “friendship”. She isn’t even upset about that, she’s upset about how you talked to her. That says it all.

Remote-Physics6980 said:

NTA it's hard to realize that someone you care about and have extended yourself for can't even be bothered to respond to a text message. And you're right, she doesn't care. No reply is still very much a reply. Block her and move on and don't worry about what other people talk about.

Pillowprincess_222 said:

NTA. But in all honesty, I would’ve stopped reaching out and expecting anything from her long time ago. If I start having resentment or bitterness towards a friend, I just shift my priorities and expectations of them. You’ve let it go on for much too long and your whole post is bitter.

I have friends who are like this. I’m busy as well and sometimes it takes me a couple days to respond but after a couple of weeks, I just stop prioritizing reaching out or messaging them back in a timely matter. It’s just part of life and they need to accept it just like you have accepted it albeit late.