'AITA for telling my friend she can’t be my child’s godmother anymore?'

"AITA for telling my friend she can’t be my child’s godmother anymore?"

I (27f) have a friend, “Lindsey” (27f), who I’ve known since highschool. When my daughter was born two years ago, I asked her to be the godmother. At the time my husband was deployed overseas, and Lindsey was around a lot. She helped me get through that period more than anyone else besides my family.

She’d come over when I was overwhelmed, help with things around the house and kept me company. I was grateful for her. My husband is home now and things are more normal, but Lindsey is still very involved with my daughter. I’ve never had an issue with that. I like that my kid has people who love her.

A few weeks ago we were at a BBQ with family and friends. Lindsey was holding my daughter and talking about how much time they spend together. Then she said something about how my daughter needs someone who’s “actually around all the time” and joked that since I work a lot, maybe she should handle more of the “real parenting stuff.”

I felt extremely embarrassed and shut down a little after that. Especially since it was in front of other people. I didn’t say anything in the moment. I left feeling embarrassed and annoyed and unsure if I was overreacting.

A couple days later I texted her and told her it bothered me. She didn’t really apologize. She said she loves my daughter and that being a godparent means stepping in when needed, especially since she supported me so much when my husband was gone. That response made it worse, because it felt like she was justifying what she said instead of understanding why it crossed a line.

I never asked her to co parent. I asked her to be a godmother. Those aren’t the same thing. I eventually told her that I didn’t feel comfortable with her continuing in that role if she couldn’t respect boundaries around my role as my child’s godparent. I said we might need some space. She hasn’t replied.

Some friends think I went too far and think that it’s not that deep Others think what she said was out of line and that I was right to shut it down.

I feel conflicted because she helped me through a really hard time and I don’t think she meant to hurt me.

But I also don’t think gratitude means I have to ignore something that made me uncomfortable. I’m also conflicted on starting to distance myself from her, my husband thinks that that’s what’s best, but I don’t know. She’s been there with me the so much but I’m starting to find her behaviour weird.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Vandyclark wrote:

ESH. It sounds like Lindsey is overstepping her role. She basically said you should give her your daughter to raise since you’re working. That’s some high class Bull Honkey. And shaming you publicly is low class horse piss. You don’t sound upset with the amount of help she gives you or your daughter.

You probably need her help. It’s fricking hard as frack to be a working mom. That’s where I think you’re a bit of the AH. You welcome her behavior but not her words. Yes, shut that crap down. Thank her, truly, for being a rockstar and you couldnt have gotten through everything without her. Plus, daughter must love her! But you are her mother. Have a clear conversation with her. You love her but you are mommy.

Husband is daddy. That has to be clear going forward. Ask her what’s in her head. Is she truly thinking she should raise your daughter? She overstepped in what she said and it was hurtful. I might have gone off like nuke if someone said that to me! There is no shame in being a working mom.

And you need your village so long as they aren’t taking your house, so to speak. If she’s looking at you like you’re a bad mom, then you need to cut ties. She might start planning a sleepover where you can’t get your daughter back! It would be tragic to lose a friend that’s really been there for you all. Talk to her.

IndividualCurrent296 wrote:

YTA. She was a co-parent when your husband was gone. We all know this. We all know you relied on her. Now you got your feelings hurt because what she said hit a guilt nerve. Guilt for working so much. So when you needed her, it was okay.

Now that you dont, you got upset. Your were lucky to have someone who loves your child as much as you but now you damaged that. Hope you wont need her again because what you said was hurtful.

residenctcaprice wrote:

While the way she talked about the situation was overly praising herself (I don't necessarily see it as putting you down since ur husband was also away working), think you ought to question yourself whether you were very dependent on her.

If you cut her off but actually need her a lot, you are going to have a terrible time the next time your husband is away. Would have been better to gracefully take it on the chin and thank her for helping as godparent, instead of being sensitive. Some people are just tactless but their hearts are good.

Jealous_Radish2728 wrote:

She was insulting both you and your husband by referring to you as absentee and negligent parents. I do not think there was anything wrong with calling her out on what she said and asking for space. Your friend has become unhealthily enmeshed with your daughter. Your husband's opinion should matter more than other friends because it is he you are married to and this is his daughter. NTA.

Naughty_soup wrote:

“I never asked her to co parent. I asked her to be a godmother.”

You did welcome her involvement though and it doesn’t seem like you think she ever overstepped, only that you didn’t like how she spoke about your involvement as a parent.

She’s an AH for shaming you in public for being a working mom seemingly to make herself look good. Stepping up to help with your child only to criticise you for accepting that help is low.

That said, maybe you’re hurt because she touched on some insecurities? It’s not uncommon to feel guilty for needing or accepting help, but it’s good to have that help and she seems to be dependable (her response to your text is not wrong)

NTA, but tell her directly that 2 things are true 1) you appreciate and are grateful for her help 2) talking about how she helps you by making you look like an absent mom whose kid is lucky to have her is not ok. It doesn’t seem like you want her role to change, only that she doesn’t badmouth you for counting on her, which is more than reasonable. If she can agree to that, hopefully things should be okay.

Objective_Air_8976 wrote:

What she said was completely inappropriate. However with the length of your friendship and the amount of help she's given you I think it would be worth it to try and have an in person conversation about this before you completely cut ties.