'AITA for telling my friend she 'had it coming' when she kept complaining about her husband leaving for his 'pick me' friend?'
"AITA for telling my friend she 'had it coming' when she kept complaining about her husband leaving for his 'pick me' friend?"
Exciting_Stable_3113
About a year ago my husband made a friend a work, Jane, who is honestly the worst. I don't have the word count needed to explain why, but ask if you want/need to know.
I met her at a work event his company had and she introduced herself by hugging my husband's arm and saying "it's so nice to finally meet his home wife, I'm his work wife".
My husband had enough sense to push her away and announce she was in no way his wife but after that she essentially blamed me for "wrecking" her friendship with him.
Apparently they used to have lunch (sometimes with colleagues, sometimes alone) and got drinks after work sometimes (with colleagues) but he stopped after that. I never had to ask him to. I told him he could hang out with her if he wanted but he said he could tell it would cause problems and it wasn't worth it.
Jane started telling people I was controlling, jealous, and often bullied her when we were alone. I've never been alone with her. Recently she met one of my friends, Kate, and Kate decided she was the nicest girl ever.
I warned Kate that Jane had a pick me vibe but Kate started yelling that she never wanted to believe what Jane said about me but since I immediately bad mouthed her, everything else must be true too.
This shocked me but I didn't fight because maybe it was true? Maybe I was just jealous and scared and my dislike was just a reaction. My husband said it wasn't and he thought I had a right to dislike her.
A couple weeks ago it got out that Jane and Kate's husband were having an affair. Kate had introduced them, despite my husband saying that she probably shouldn't. Kate blamed this on him always defending me.
When Kate demanded her husband end it with Jane, he ended it with Kate instead, kicked her out of the house, and moved Jane in. Jane apparently told Kate she could use her apartment until the lease is up because they're friends.
She's a housewife, her money is her husband's and he cut her off, so I got her a hotel for the week while she disputes that. I've woken up everyday to calls and texts from Kate crying about the whole thing. She kept saying she never could've guessed Jane would do this. I told her, I showed her messages Jane had sent me, and Kate had just cut me off.
Yesterday I'd finally had enough, partially because Kate had practically ghosted me when I warned her about Jane, and started agreeing that I was being petty. Normally I'd always support Kate no matter what but I felt betrayed too and now she's back because Jane's a jerk? So I might be the AH here cause I asked her to stop talking about it for 10 minutes so I could breathe.
To talk about anything else to distract herself. She got mad. I said I understood it was bad but it also didn't feel fair to me because I warned her, she made her own choices, and honestly had it coming for ignoring obvious red flags.
Now many of our friends are saying that was too harsh and unsupportive but why should I sugar coat common sense? So AITA?
EDIT:
The "work wife" is not when I stopped liking Jane. This moment was a test of my husband's character, not hers. She should like my husband. Everyone should. He's a 12/10.
He's not only beautiful and kind but he's weirdly fascinating. He looks like Chris Hemsworth, Zac Efron, and Ryan Reynolds had a beautiful angel baby who somehow has the personality of an intellectual Patrick the Star (Spongebob). This is a weird description but it makes so much sense when you meet him.
His face and personality are so contradictory that if you talked to him online, you'd think you were being catfished. Last night at dinner he spent 1.5 hours discussing his favourite type of rock. He's not a geologists. He doesn't have a rock collection. This is not a normal part of our conversations.
I said "hey baby, how was your day?" And he said "fine, you know what my favourite type of rock is?" And that was dinner, and yet somehow I was enthralled the whole time.
He is so hardworking, he's so smart, and so dedicated he'll succeed in any job he does. Everyone loves him as they should. I'd honestly rant about him for hours, he's my favourite type of rock.
But onto the main point, this man does not have social cues (that might explain the rocks idk). If she had not said the actual words "work wife" there's no chance he would've caught on.
I'm saying this because her games were so obvious that even my beautifully ignorant husband was able to catch on. I started disliking her because of her actions, her words, and the way she talked about people and things. It was always very nasty. Kate's personality has changed drastically since spending time with her.
I found out about their friendship after it had already started a while before. Kate brought Jane to book club my friends host. Kate met Jane at our palates studio. Jane told me my husband told her she should go there because I do, but after reading some of your comments I think I'll actually ask him about that.
I never saw Jane at palates but I might not have noticed her. I switched to the 6am class after getting a new job, Jane stayed in the 8am class because she didn't want to wake up at 5am (fair).
This is important: Kate and her husband have different stories about what's happening. Kate says she caught them having an affair. She demanded her husband end the affair, he said no. And said that if she didn't allow it, she needed to leave because he wanted Jane to move in.
Kate refused so he told her to leave. Jane offered her apartment but Kate refused. Her husband has cut off all her cards and access to the bank because she refused. Her husband says Jane is having a hard time right now due to relationship issues and wanted to stay with friends.
He agreed to let her stay with them but Kate got jealous, accused then of having an affair, and decided to leave on her own because he refused to kick Jane out during her hard time.
Jane felt bad and offered to let Kate stay at her apartment until Jane feels better. Kate refused because she's entitled and is now just demanding money because she's an angry gold digger. Both stories sound fun. Neither actually have anything to do with me.
Yes, has hired a lawyer, but since she refuses to divorce him (she thinks they'll work it out) and she refuses to sue or press charges (that might damage their chances of getting back together), her lawyer has very few options to actually help her. Her husband is also a lawyer but I think he does corporate law. Still, he knows what he needs to say and do to lose as little as possible if he chooses to divorce.
Also, for the people saying my husband should report to HR. I won't say you're wrong, but I can't imagine my husband will. He doesn't want to be a part of the drama, that's part of the reason we got her a hotel rather than letting her stay in our spare bedroom.
In hindsight I'm kind of glad because I would've said yes and I know she's going through a hard time but it's so much negativity that even my workplace has started to notice something is bothering me. Also some of the comments are making me question the friendship entirely. I can try to update if anything happens but I can't imagine much will.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Spirited-Ad6144
NTA. You warned her and she practically ended your friendship because of this. Now she wants to be your friend again because the thing that you warned her against happened. While it was kinda rude, you were right.
slitteral1
Sometimes the truth hurts and people just have to hear it bluntly.
SteampunkHarley
Damn, Jane wanted someone's husband and it didn't matter whose. NTA.
SundressSeductive
You warned Kate about Jane and tried to help her see the red flags. It's not your fault if she chose to ignore your advice and now has to deal with the consequences. It's natural to feel frustrated when someone dismisses your concerns and then comes back expecting your full support.
Similar-Traffic7317
NTA. You warned Kate about Jane. She didn't listen and now Jane has replaced her in her own marriage. If it was me, I would go no contact with Kate. Block block block.
Nobody_Asked_M3
NTA. Big respect to your husband for cutting her out as soon as a red flag like that popped up. He definitely respects you and the marriage.