'AITA for telling my friend she shouldn’t be hosting if her kid isn’t ready to be around people?'
"AITA for telling my friend she shouldn’t be hosting if her kid isn’t ready to be around people?"
My friend has a 9 year old foster daughter. They’re homeschooling the girl because she gets overwhelmed around big groups of people and because she goes to other programs and services during the day.
All of this means she doesn’t get many opportunities to be around other kids so my friend invited us and another family over and told us to bring our kids so her daughter could get used to being around other kids. Our kids are 12m, 10m, and 7f. The other kids were 11m and 8f.
She tried but the place wasn’t set up very well for the kids. She had a little marble run set, magnatiles, board games, and coloring set up in the living room for the kids. Her daughter saw it and asked if those were her toys. My friend said no and that she got new ones for them to share with the other kids.
Then she asked about the games and my friend said yes, those were their games. The girl picked up the boxes and took them to her room. My friend wasn’t able to talk her into sharing them and refused to tell her they were for everybody.
The toys were also set up for younger kids so the boys started to get bored. I asked about turning on the TV and she told me that she can plug it in, but she doesn’t have cable or streaming so the only things they can watch are whatever’s free on Roku or YouTube. We ended up sending the boys outside to play on her trampoline even though it was cold.
Her daughter only colored with the girls when her mom was with her, then after 20 minutes she wanted to play by herself and locked herself in her room. She came out when dinner was ready and refused to sit with the other kids.
There was pasta, chicken, buttered noodles, and salad available, but she still refused to eat any of it so her mom had to get up and make mac and cheese and dino nuggets just to get her to eat. After dinner, she sat in her mom’s lap and refused to move until we went home. She was thanking us while we were leaving and saying this was great for her daughter.
I told her that watching her kid get special treatment and take things away from them wasn’t good for the rest of the kids so she needs to wait until her daughter can be around people before she hosts again. She thinks I was extremely rude and didn’t need to say anything, but someone needs to tell her that she can’t have other kids over if that’s how her kid behaves. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Zealousideal_Till683 said:
YTA. You knew full well that this was a learning opportunity for the daughter. And you know that the daughter isn't going to learn how to be around others - she has to learn by doing.
That learning doesn't have to include your kids, of course. They have their own lives and needs and don't exist solely to be learning vehicles for your friend's daughter. If you had called her up after the event and said "This had a bigger effect on my kids than I had anticipated, I hope you understand we won't be doing it again," that would have been fine.
But your definitive statement was rude and out of order. Your friend absolutely can have people over with her daughter behaving like that - provided her guests are OK with it. Believe me, your friend is excruciatingly aware of her daughter's behavioural difficulties, the fact you think "someone needs to tell her" is a testament only to your own self-absorption.
JPenelope said:
YTA. She invited you over to get her daughter used to being around other kids! Of course there are going to be road bumps and challenges. Telling your friend that she should wait until the daughter is ready to socialize before hosting people is like telling someone they should already know how to ride a bike before they ever hop on one.
She has to start somewhere, and it sounds like this girl has a lot to overcome. Your friend would have a better idea than you as to how to deal with her daughter. You should keep your nose out of her parenting.
EmceeSuzy said:
YTA. Wow. I'm sorry to say it but you are a terrible friend. The problem is not that this foster child (who didn't wind up living in your friend's house because she has had such a super-terrific life, BTW) struggles. The problem is that you are too petty to be able to adapt to that child's needs. Nothing you describe is so terrible and nothing is something that your children should not have been able to manage.
Emotional-Leather409 said:
You have no idea what happened to her….you knew she was struggling with social situations….having play dates can help with that. Of course she’s going to struggle and you knew before attending!! You should have been a patient and supportive friend….and you could have used this as a teachable moment for your kids. YTA.
Neutral_Guy_9 said:
YTA . Fostering a kid is so incredibly difficult and your friend is making a good effort. Obviously the kid has issues and the socialization is a good step towards correcting those issues. Way to make the whole situation about how it inconvenienced you though. Jeez.
shelltrice said:
This could have been an excellent learning opportunity for the visiting children. Teaching about empathy and kindness. You instead chose selfishness and entitlement. YTA.