'AITA for telling my friend to stop complaining about money when she refuses to get child support?'

"AITA for telling my friend (40F) to stop complaining about money when she refuses to get child support AND supports a toxic BF?"

I (34F, Amber) am reaching my breaking point with my friend Mary (40F). ​ Mary has a 16 y/o son from her marriage to Larry (who is much older). Larry was not nice, and when she left him 13 years ago, she told him she "wanted nothing" just to get away. They had an formal agreement for him to pay $190 a month. ​

That $190 hasn't changed in 13 years. In 2026, that barely covers a week of groceries for a 16 y/o, let alone school or clothes. Larry is inconsistent and often doesn't even pay that, yet the son still spends holidays with him. Mary is now with Jack (36M). To be blunt: Mary has essentially traded one Larry for another.

Jack is a "nice guy" on the surface, but he’s unemployed, does occasional odd jobs, and is a narcissist. Even though they are drowning, Mary is the one financially supporting Jack. He controls her bank account and spends her money on himself, yet he has the audacity to tell her, "We don’t need Larry's blood money, we can manage."

Mary spends 90% of our time together venting. It’s a constant cycle: she cries about how she can’t afford her son's needs, then she cries about how Jack is mean to her or spent the grocery money. But she refuses to leave Jack, and she refuses to take Larry to court. Today, she started crying again because she couldn't afford a specific school requirement for her son. I finally snapped. I told her:

​"Mary, I cant be your sounding board for this anymore. You are 40 y/o. You are choosing to support a grown man who treats you like trash while your son goes without because you’re too 'proud' or 'spiteful' to get a legal support order from Larry. Either go to maintenance court and kick Jack out, or stop complaining to me, because you are actively choosing this life for your son."

Mary left in tears. Now Jack is blowing up my phone, calling me a "toxic b****" for "triggering her trauma" and "disrespecting their relationship." He says they are "handling it," but I know for a fact her son is the one losing out because his mom is prioritizing her and a boyfriend's ego over his future.

​I feel like a jerk for being so harsh when she’s clearly a victim of a cycle, but I am exhausted. I feel like I’m watching her drown and she’s trying to pull me under with her.

​AITA for giving her an ultimatum to "fix it or shut up?"

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Aladdinstress wrote:

What reason does she have to change if the people who care about her and her son only act "supportive" of her choices, even in the face of the horrible effects of them on her and the boy?

By making it clear that you will no longer be her safe place to vent, by telling her the cold hard truth, it will now be so much harder for her to hang on to her denial that she is a.good mom, has a good partner, and that she and her son are not suffering and drowning. You did her and her son a good turn by telling her the truth. Keep telling it to her.

Make her uncomfortable with the truth, and keep telling her she needs to change the truth. She needs to get more money from Larry, especially since the boy will only be eligible for child support for a few more years before that ceases to be an option.

If she won't dump Jack (aka Larry 2.0) then she can still take back control of her own money and only give him what is left AFTER she takes care of her son, herself, and the bills. If Jack doesn't like the new setup, he can go find another woman to support him, or get a job and spend his own money.

I wonder why Jack doesn't encourage her to get more money from Larry. I would have thought he would see that as a way to get even more money to spend on himself.

LifeWithBoundaries33 wrote:

NTA. It can be exhausting listening to the same complaints every time you get together. And since she doesn’t take any action to change the situation, there is no point giving advice she won’t take (you’ve tried that too many times and failed to see her change anything).

You no longer have fun times together as it’s just her vomiting out her complaints.

You reached the end of your patience and good graces. It happens and you have to set boundaries for your peace.

That would be when you gave her the ultimatum. Your friendship does not come with a contract that says you must listen to all that. Friends have limits that a true friend would try to be cognizant about. She would be selfish to think you want to hear that all the time. She would be selfish to think upon what you said and then not apologize.

What benefits do you get from this friendship? Maybe you end up realizing you would prefer to use your valuable time elsewhere or maybe you feel the friendship is worth working on, with conversation boundaries. Not everyone will walk all the chapters of your life. You get to decide with this friendship what will be.

paul_rudds_drag_race wrote:

NTA. After a while, we can hit the limit hearing people complain about (sometimes optional) problems. She cares more about some guy than her child even if she won’t admit it. There have been a couple of people who I’ve had to tell that I can’t and won’t listen to certain topics they regularly bring up because it’s draining and I know they won’t do anything to change the situation anyway.

Depending on the situation it can also take a lot to not say stuff such as “Well that’s what you chose. That’s what you wake up and choose every day.”

It can feel like they such people feed off of the attention and sympathy they get during these venting sessions and once they get that, they’ll go back to let someone else drain them. Then they come back to drain (general) you. It’s a cycle. You yourself are doing something about a problem, so that’s understandable and it’s progress.

kappybook916 wrote:

NTA. I have a friend who said you’re only allowed to complain about a problem if you’re doing something about it. You’re not a professional therapist. She’s just a self-centered emotional vampire. She doesn’t ask you what’s going on in your life. And she’s spent literal decades unwilling to finding the courage to change the things she can. She’s not a victim, she’s a volunteer.

K-rock48 wrote:

NTA. I wouldn't even respond to Jack, this is what you were wanting to avoid. If Mary talks to you, I would be mad at her, she had no right to tell Jack what you said. She is letting herself be taken advantage of and her child is suffering because of it.

The fact you tried to snap some sense into her and she went and blabbered is crazy. Just remind her you don’t want to be part of the drama but when she is ready for help let you know.