'AITA for telling my friend I’m too tired to be everybody’s emotional support when I’m struggling?'
"AITA for telling my friend I’m too tired to be 'everybody’s emotional support' when I’m struggling myself?"
So I (23M) have been going through a rough time lately. Money issues, job stuff, life just beating me up a little. I’ve been trying to stay positive, but honestly I’m exhausted. One of my closest friends keeps calling and texting me nonstop about every problem they have. I’m talking every day, multiple times a day.
Relationship drama, work drama, “I’m bored,” “I’m lonely" And I always try to be there, because I’m usually the “strong friend." The other night they called me at like 1am crying about something their coworker said, and I was literally half-sleep, stressed, and trying to figure out how I’m even paying bills.
I finally told him “I love you but I’m drained. I can’t carry everybody’s stuff right now. I’m barely holding myself together” He got quiet, said “Wow… okay,” and hung up. Now they’re telling mutual friends that I “abandoned them” and “switched up”
I wasn’t rude, I wasn’t yelling I was just honest for once. Now I’m wondering if I should’ve just shut up and kept listening, but at the same time…who supports the strong friend when they need help? So AITA for telling my friend I can’t emotionally support them right now while I’m struggling myself?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
leaf_dropletotGW wrote:
NTA, I ask my friends “are you in a place where you can give support?” before I begin emotionally unloading on them. if they say no - i am not offended because everyone struggles at points in their life. You can’t help fill others cups if yours is empty.
You said it very nicely, and this person took it personally. which they need to work on separately- why do they think their friend should constantly drop things for them? You have your own life an issues, not meaning you’ll never be there for them, but being able to deal with your own problems and have alone time with your own thoughts is very important.
Also if they want a person you can vent to no matter what, therapy is a great option. They’re literally paid to hear you talk.
Cayachan82 wrote:
NTA - but being the “strong friend” is hard because people often don’t think to ask how we are doing. We’ve always been there for them so they think we’ll always be there for them. And sometimes we just need to be alone. Or lean on them for a change. And That’s Not Bad. Everyone needs help sometimes. Everyone deserves to be able to talk about their own stuff, and have someone listen and support them.
OP responded:
Yeah because it's not like I'm never gonna be there for help I just have to recharge myself at times.
witsendgame wrote:
NTA. You can’t pour from an empty cup and some friends can’t see outside themselves long enough to see you as your own person. Listen, you advocated for yourself which is important. You did nothing wrong. Your friend needs to respect you and your boundaries and probably invest in therapy. At least therapists get paid, you don’t owe anyone your emotional labor.
OP responded:
I try to make time for myself but it always fall last to something "more important."
Adventurous-Ad-7260 wrote:
NTA. You can't pour from an empty cup.
OP responded:
Thank you that's all I want to get across🤦🏼♂️
Puzzledish wrote:
NTA. I have definitely had to stop some of my own friends from wanting to trauma dump, almost as soon as they see my face. The first time feels hard, but if you don’t offer any explanation or excuses and say that you simply don’t have the bandwidth for them at the moment, and do the “still love you” or whatever you and your friends say, good friends will understand.
Clueless ones, however, will choose that exact moment to tell you their most horrible and traumatic story, despite being really clear, so be prepared to save yourself and make a quick exit.
Shelikestowatch_1989 wrote:
NTA. So...your friend didn't even ask how you were holding up? Even after you told him you were struggling? Or offer some brief consollation before apologizing for waking you up and maybe suggest you guys could talk later about it? Instead of saying 'Kyle's kinda struggling rn' to your mutual friends, he says, Kyle's 'switched up'? So instead of supporting you, he launches a smear campaign?
I don't think this person is your friend, to be honest, or at least, not a very good one. He seems very focused on himself and thinks you should be too. Multiple calls a day to anyone when there's no emergency or big pressing event, is a bit much. That's taking the piss.
I would politely suggest, you keep the friends, family, team mates etc. who do the opposite of what your 'friend' did and stay close to them. They'll make you feel supported during this rough period.
Top-entertainer2546 wrote:
NTA. This "friend" has been using you. I don't know why. Typical adults don't need to phone a friend for emotional support multiple times a day for every little thing. And we all know not to call during the hours our friends and relatives usually sleep. I don't know why he's doing this-attention seeking, lonely, really that lacking in adult emotional skills?
Whatever his reasons, they greatly exceed the boundaries of healthy friendship, and he needs professional help to get his head out of his own keister.
In the meantime, it is perfectly ok for you to draw healthy boundaries for yourself-no calls during work, or after 10 pm, only 1 emotional dump call a day, you won't keep listening to the same complaint over and over if he is unwilling to take reasonable steps to help himself. If he gets mad and ends the friendship, honestly, he'll be doing you a big favor.
And the next friend he tries to lean on will know real quick you didn't "abandon" this guy. And yes, healthy relationships are a 2 way street. You are allowed to say "No, I can't right now", and you are allowed to say "Hey, I'm having a rough week and could really use some emotional support myself."