'AITA for telling my friend she wouldn’t know what it’s like to be yelled at in the workplace?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my friend she wouldn’t know what it’s like to be yelled at at work because she hasn’t had a real boss in 10 years?"
I (late 20s, F) have been struggling at my job lately. My boss has been yelling at me, specifically when I ask questions. These are questions I have to ask because someone recently quit and I inherited her responsibilities — many of which I’ve never done or even seen before.
I went to HR and was basically told “that’s just her personality,” so I’ve been sticking it out to avoid looking like a job hopper on my resume.
While venting to my friend (we’ll call her Haley), she told me that “yelling is common practice in the workplace these days.” That rubbed me the wrong way, especially since I feel like I’m doing my best under difficult circumstances. I pushed back and said I don’t think yelling is common or acceptable — and added that she wouldn’t really know because she hasn’t worked under a boss in over 10 years.
To clarify: Haley is a stay-at-home mom (which I respect) and is also on her father’s payroll for tax reasons, but hasn’t had a traditional boss or worked in a conventional office setting since college. She got quiet and has been distant since. I didn’t mean to be rude — I just felt invalidated and frustrated. AITA for snapping back like that?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
[deleted] wrote:
No, yelling is not 'common practice in the workplace these days'. That said, you could have pushed back without highlighting her SAHM status. That *was* a bit petty and vindictive. OTOH, I'd probably have said "Did you come to this conclusion because your husband comes home and yells at you about the house being a mess and dinner not being ready? Because, then, I could see how you might think that."
OP responded:
Oh I’m not even upset about her SAHM status. Her daughter is 6 months old and she hasn’t had a job since college ten years ago. She’s been on her father’s payroll since. She’s been a housewife for 5 years (still a full time job) I guess I was just looking for an ear and to hear someone who hasn’t been in the workforce with a traditional boss in a decade say “it’s common practice” just floored me.
yesletslift wrote:
NTA, yelling isn't okay, and your boss sounds wildly unfit to manage anyone. I mean, I'm not sure what your delivery was like, but you're right that Haley doesn't have a clue what she's talking about and I'd feel the same if I were in your situation. Also, what does "on her father's payroll for tax reasons" mean? He pays her for not actually working? He's trying to avoid paying some sort of business tax?
OP responded:
I didn’t yell or raise my voice. It was a concerned stern tone.
As for the tax thing her father owns a business, she “works” there. Thats all I can say without it being too identifiable
BananasMaclean wrote:
INFO: is it possible Haley wasn’t trying to invalidate your experience? While I agree that calling it common practice sounds dismissive (“you should toughen up because this is how things are”) I could alternatively read it as a more commiserative comment (“it sucks that this is how things are”).
OP responded:
She said it nonchalant. Like accept it and move on she even said “you’re not going to find a boss that’s not going to yell these days."
The next day, OP shared an update.
Update: I did end up apologizing to Haley if I struck a nerve, and she was actually really understanding. She admitted she hadn’t realized how long she’d been out of the workforce and that her expectations were based on how her dad ran his business — which put things in perspective for both of us.
As for my boss: I had a follow-up meeting with HR and used the magic phrase “hostile work environment.” I filed a formal complaint and was told that action had been taken. (I used to work in HR myself, so I know that likely means she received a write-up.) I was also told she got a talking-to from her boss.
I’m currently job hunting, but since the complaint, she’s been surprisingly pleasant. That said, I’m keeping my head down and covering my bases — just in case she tries to build a case against me. Eyes wide open now.
The internet continued to share their thoughts.
The_Grungeican wrote:
I remember getting fired once, because the boss lady came yelling at a little Mexican woman I worked with, and i told her we're adults and there's no need for yelling. I was let go the next day. I told her thanks, took my check, and lived happily ever after.
It's not normal for bosses to be yelling at you, though it is understandable that they can be under their own stresses. It's okay, most of us are stressed out for one reason or another, but don't take it out on me. especially when I'm here in the trenches with you.
Econoclast101 wrote:
I feel for OP and have been in the same position up until recently. Having a boss that “encourages” you to ask questions, but then lambasts you for asking is a tough spot to be in. Especially when others are in earshot. It kills growth in your career.
Having a boss that says “that’s a good question” is like a night and day difference. I hope anyone that deals with that finds a better role with a better boss. F#$k toxic bosses!
Salty_West_429 wrote:
I honestly don't even know if OPs original comment was that rude. She just said the truth that Haley hasn't had a boss in a decade. And Haley was being out of touch. However to save what seems like an important friendship it's probably good she apologized. Also I doubt the boos has changed for the long run but at least she's pretending so OP doesn't suffer while job hunting.