'AITA to telling my GF that we should break up if she wants to kick my niece out?' + UPDATE
"AITA to telling my GF that we should break up if she wants to kick my niece out?"
My brother died to car accident 2 months ago, after he died I took responsibility of his daughter but for some reasons my gf doesn't like it. For some backstory, My brother and I both raised my niece together, he had her when he was only 17 and I was 19 back then, her mom left both her daughter (now 14) and my brother and basically just disappeared, I think she was 23 or 24.
Anyway my brother took responsibility of his child and I helped him raise her, my brother would often joke about that she's OUR daughter, god damm I miss him so much.
I spoiled her alot, my brother restricted her, he didn't let her eat chocolates or buy her games, but she would always come to her uncle and I would spoil her, I miss those days. Anyway after my brother died I took my niece under my care, I am still going through legal guardianship paper works but yeah I am going to raise her.
Problem for me is that my gf told me yesterday she doesn't like that my niece is living with us, she said she doesn't want to responsible for a 14 year old and she is 'messing with our love life'.
I asked her what she meant by that, my gf said she's been sleeping in our bed, I said that is a normal grieving process for a child who lost her only parent, there is nothing wrong with her hugging me or finding comfort in me.
She said she doesn't want her to sleep with us, I said it's only been 2 months, give her some time, if rubbing her back or massaging her head helps her fall asleep instead of crying then that is good for her.
What would she say if we had a daughter and focused on comforting our daughter instead of focusing on you? She said that would be different because she would be our daughter.
I got angry and said that if she doesn't like my niece staying with me until she finds her peace then we should break up, I told her currently I am her safe place and she's practically my daughter, I raised her, I share blood with her and NOW she needs me.
My gf started crying, I comforted her and said I am sorry for being so direct but I found what she said a bit offensive and rude, to help her I will hire a maid but please give her some time and show empathy towards a child.
My gf has been angry at me since yesterday, she only talks to me when I talk to her and she's completely ignoring my niece and my niece is asking me if she said something wrong to my gf, I said she's just stressed.
But I am wondering why my gf is reacting like this? Did I offend her? I don't really want to break up with her but if I have to choose between them I will choose to help my niece for now.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Honestly, there is no saving the relationship. Even if gf backs down and "accepts" your niece to your face, she will make your niece feel unwelcome and unwanted when you aren't around. From this point forward your gf shouldn't be trusted alone with your niece.
Yep. She's already openly icing the kid out. Things are only going to escalate from here, and OP needs to keep a VERY close eye on the situation, and make sure that that niece knows that she can tell him if GF starts mistreating her behind his back. Though personally, I'd just end things and be done with her.
OP, the sad reality is that your girlfriend just told you that she doesn't want this life. And that is going to make her resent your niece (who is now your daughter). Which will lead to her treating your daughter like trash...and I mean, she already is treating her like trash. It's time to accept reality.
Your girlfriend does not want to help raise your daughter (again, its time to start seeing her as your daughter because you are a single dad now). She's not all in....which means you have to be all out. Your daughter comes first. Now and forever. It's time you accepted that/ NTA. YWBTA if you continued this relationship though;
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I am so surprised that my post blew up and so many people dropped their opinions and thoughts and still commenting on my post, I thank you all and those who were asking, I have been with my gf for 3 years.
I also confess that I am in the wrong by not having a clear discussion with my gf and those who were saying my niece should not be sleeping with us instead I should have got her own bed or stay with until she falls asleep.
I already tried that, initially she was sleeping alone but she would wake up at night and I had to go to her and console her, she started sleeping with us because she was constantly afraid, it's trauma, she's only 14.
To be honest? I don't care if she is sleeping by my side, she had only 1 parent, I was just a fill in, and she lost her parents and she's an orphan now, she can sleep by me as long as it helps her, i think it's too soon to pressure her.
I went to my gf and said we need to have an honest and open discussion and decide what we should do next, I apologised to her for not thinking about how she would feel but I didn't have a choice, I had to bring my niece in, I also have to worry about all the legal paperworks, her school, my brother's assets and other paperworks.
My gf said she doesn't want my niece to live with us and she has tolerated it for long enough, I said I understand but it's kinda unfair that you would be so cruel to a child and I expected that my partner to help me when I am going through so much legal work and care for my niece and work, I wanted your support.
She said she will support me but she doesn't want to live with a 14 year old and care for her, either I choose my niece or her. I explained to her that I understand your frustration and as much as I want to choose you I cannot.
You already know that I also have raised her and now she has lost her father only I can help her, she has no where else to go except my old parents but they can barely help themselves.
She started crying and said I am not her first priority, I said I am sorry but I have no choice, I have been in her life ever since she was born, not only am I attached to her I am also related to her by blood, now that her father is no more, shes mine and I have become a parent, it's difficult but I have no other choice.
My gf packed her bag and she left before leaving she said we should take our time and think this through and see if we can overcome this, we both decided that we will stay in contact and discuss in future.
When my niece came back from school she asked where my gf is, I said she went to her parents, my niece started crying and started blaming herself, she said she is the reason why my life is falling apart and she doesn't have any parents, I guess she picked it up after my gf gave her silent treatment.
I comforted her and said that it's not her fault and as long as I am with her she doesn't have to worry about anything, she's going to stay with me from now on.
She calmed down and I took her out to her favourite restaurant but I don't feel good at all, I am happy that I choose my niece over everything else but I also lost my love which makes me so angry and sad.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Hard decisions but I think you made the best one you could for your niece. Your gf made the one she thought best for herself. Becoming a parent to a 14 yr old unexpectedly at your ages would probably break most relationships.
I know this will be buried. But I have one suggestion. I know this is hard. I know you are trying to help your niece. Get her a separate bed in your room. so sleep in the same room, but not in the same bed.
You will be judged some very nasty things if you don't put at least that one boundry up. It may even get her taken away from you. I believe it's innocent, but a lot of people, including case workers will not. And I bet money that your ex gf (should be) will call and report it to try to get her way.
You need to get your niece into therapy. She has suffered so much loss and you aren't equipped to guide her through it.
First of all, very sorry to hear about your brother. Your breakup with your gf is inevitable because at the end of day, as you said, your niece is your priority. Given the circumstances she should be your #1 priority. You have every right to be sad about the breakup but I don't think you are justified to be angry at your gf. She did not sign up to be a stepmom.
And being a stepmom is a huge life event and certainly can be a deal breaker for a relationship. It's absurd to say she's trash because she didn't just accept this. She made a responsible decision, as you did. It's a very unfortunate situation.
NTA. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but the trash just took itself out. Good luck!