'AITA for telling a girl she’s not coming to the bachelorette because she can’t afford it?'
"AITA for telling a girl she’s not coming to the bachelorette because she can’t afford it, after she kept changing her mind and having other people speak for her?"
I’m the MOH planning an 18-girl bachelorette. In January, I started the group chat and put down ~$7k for the Airbnb. Everyone had until March to pay their $375 share. This week I sent the rest of the budget, $250 due by Aug 1. Then I got a text from a girl we’ll call A:
“Hey it’s A! I didn’t realize we were going to have to send more money on top of the $375 we sent. I just moved into my first apartment and I have no money to give at the moment or in the next couple of months. I definitely cannot afford it right now. Do you want to just give me the $375 back? Or is there something we can do for me to still go? Lmk thx.”
I replied, “I’ll send you your money back.” She said:“Okay! Thx.”
I refunded her, reran the numbers, and updated the group. The next day, I got a text from girl B saying she and A now want to come just for Saturday. A bit frustrating, but I said okay and adjusted the budget again.
Later that night, another bridesmaid told me that girl C had contacted her to ask me to give A an extension. I’ve never even met A, B, or C, and I was confused. So I texted A:
“Hey, I’m honestly confused. You mentioned you couldn’t pay and wanted your $375 back, then B said you’re both coming just for Saturday, and now D is asking C about an extension for you.
I totally understand things can change, but each time they do, I have to redo all the numbers, which is a lot to manage. Can you let me know your final decision so I can plan accordingly?”
A: “I didn’t say I wanted my $375 back, i asked if you wanted to give that to me or if there was something we can do for me to still go. Because I want to be there for BRIDE. I didn’t ask B to ask you for me she just did it and so did D. They just want me to go. I will do what D and C are saying…thx.”
Me: “You said ‘i have no money to give at the moment or in the next couple of months. I definitely cannot afford it right now. Do you want to just give me the $300 back.’ That sounds like a beat around the bush way of asking for your money back to me.
I don’t care who asked who, all I care about is your final decision. You didn’t ask me for an extension. You did not come to me with a plan ‘hey, money is tight for me. Would I be able to send you half of my remaining balance on August 1st and the other half August 15th?’ Not ‘I definitely cannot afford it now or in the next couple of months.’ I’m not a bank. I don’t know you. I’m not in charge of your finances.”
A: “‘Or is there something we can do for me to still go? Lmk thx’ Did you not read this? Not beating around the bush at all but god why are you being so rude..you could have given everyone a heads up that the price could change or have some kind of budget..
I understand this is stressful for you, but you don’t need to be rude to people especially people you don’t know. I’m good actually. I just won’t go. Hope it’s easier for you lol. When BRIDE asks why I’m not going anymore, I’ll be sure to let her know.”
Me: “You’re not going because you can’t afford it.”
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
ESH. Also an 18 person bachelorette party sounds like hell on Earth to me.
NTA Your last reply cuts through all the BS. She was hinting and indirectly asking through her friends for you to "somehow" make it possible for her to come. She doesn't want to directly ask and commit to paying herself at some point.
She was hoping that you would offer something without her having to ask and she would end up not having to repay anyone, with the cost absorbed by the group or you (I'm sure she doesn't care where the money actually comes from as long as it's not from her pocket). She ends by threatening to blame you if she can't come. Your reply neatly put an end to the whole game.
Another commenter here said "Communication has been poor all round". and I'm inclined to agree. Text messages are fine for brief, unproblematic issues, or for confirming what you've already spoken about so that you have written evidence in case of any misunderstanding or dispute later on: "This text is just to clarify, we agreed on X, Y & Z during our phone convo earlier. Correct?"
But for any situation that is delicate or awkward, such as asking for a special favor, text messages are not ideal because you can't discern tone from a text, and it can inflame an already tense situation.
I would particularly like to know what led A to get this idea into her head:
"I didn’t realize we were going to have to send more money on top of the $375 we sent."
Why not? Are A's powers of comprehension lacking, or did OP fail to spell out clearly right at the outset that everyone would be expected to pay $375 in March and another $250 by August 1? In the absence of further information, I'm going with ESH.
sniffin_sharpies (OP)
I agree with you about texting vs. calling. I did try to call her before I sent that first message. I gave her 2+ hours to return my call so followed up with a text I thought was nice but also explained my side. I made it very clear since the beginning that the $375 was for the Airbnb only.
The trip is in October, and I put together a “rough itinerary” from the beginning: Wine tour, hibachi at the house one night, being the only two additional expenses from a group perspective. I guess I feel like I’m right, but I was mean about it. She and I have very different jobs, and educations which influenced this miscommunication.
I feel sorry for everyone here. There are still people who won't talk to me because I couldn't afford to go to their insanely expensive weddings and the endless expensive events around them and some of them are now divorced and remarried or have kids who have left home.
What you should take from this situation is this rule for yourself: NEVER put money down on behalf of a group. Do not do it. If you absolutely have to be the organizer, ask for a deposit from everyone. You'll find that people magically stop messing you around when they have to pony up.
Was this person rude? Yes. But she clearly can't afford the trip and is struggling to figure out how to make things work. She's not the organizer, so doesn't realize how incredibly time-consuming and awful it is to organize events. You shouldn't have to deal with it all and it's understandable you're sick of rearranging everything.
At this point, remind yourself that as far as organizing this trip, you're like a professional who is working on behalf of the bride. People may frustrate the hell out of you, but try to keep the peace for the bride's sake and remind yourself that you'll expect someone to do the same for you one day!
I would write to this person and say something like, "I'm sorry about the tension. I know these this is expensive. It's a struggle for me because I have paid for everything so far and people keep changing their plans. Could we Zoom and talk about how to make this work/clear the air?