'AITA for telling my girlfriend’s mom I feel disrespected by her?' 'Consider MY point of view.'

"AITA for telling my girlfriend’s mom I feel disrespected and unwelcome by her, and asking her to consider my point of view?"

I (21M) have been dating my girlfriend we'll call her Maddie (22F) for almost a year now. I really love and respect her, and I’ve been trying my best to build a good relationship with her family, especially her mom let's call her Tita.

From the start, I’ve made a genuine effort to show respect. I’ve apologized sincerely when I messed up (e.g., early relationship stuff like a visible hickey and Maddie staying out late once after a party I invited her to). I thought we had moved past that, but I still feel like I’m walking on eggshells every time I’m around her mom.

I’m constantly afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. I always feel like I’m “just the boyfriend” and never truly accepted. Meanwhile, my family treats Maddie with love and openness. She’s invited to dinner, she’s treated like one of us—even when I’m not around. I started to feel like this imbalance was unfair.

So, I respectfully messaged Maddie's mom. I told her I love her daughter, that I care about her family, and that I’ve always tried to do the right thing. I said that I don’t feel respected or accepted by her, and I explained how hard it’s been to connect when it feels like she’s always waiting for me to fail. I acknowledged her side, but I asked her to please try to understand mine too.

Her response was pretty stern. She said I was too focused on defending myself, not listening. She brought up the hickey and the party again (which we had already discussed months ago), said I “enabled” Maddie’s poor choices, and told me respect is earned—not automatic. She also said that even though Maddie is 22, as her mom, she will always protect her.

I responded again, saying I wasn’t trying to deflect blame—I just wanted to be heard. I asked why she never invites me in if she wants me to greet her on weekends, and why it feels like I’m expected to make all the effort. I said I want compromise, not to be controlled.

She ended the conversation abruptly with “I’m ending this convo. Maddie knows everything, she will explain to you what you need to know.” So now I’m stuck wondering—

AITA for trying to have this conversation in the first place? Did I overstep by asking her to reflect on her actions too, or is it fair that I asked for mutual respect?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

lihzee said:

You probably should have left this for your girlfriend to deal with. I'm not surprised that this didn't go well. Did Maddie even know you planned to do this? I'd be pretty pissed if I were her. She's probably hearing about this non-stop from her mom now.

Y'all have been dating "almost a year," and you're complaining about being treated as "just the boyfriend" - that's what you are. Beyond you apologizing over a hickey and broken curfew, you haven't provided many examples of what Tita has done to make you feel so unwelcome. I think YTA here.

arseholierthanthou said:

Please, please just wipe the word 'respect' from your vocabulary. If someone treats you actually badly, then start thinking. Otherwise, stop. You use the word nine times in your post. It's ridiculous.

People use the word because it sounds hard to argue with. Everyone deserves basic respect, so if you can frame your problem as being denied that, then people should support you. But it's not that. People don't mean respect, they mean deference. They mean they want to be put on a pedestal, want to be immune from criticism, want to have their wants placed above those of others.

Your girlfriend's mum is right: respect is earned, not given. And you aren't owed chance after chance just because some time has passed since the last one you blew. "Respect" is a word that gets used on AITA a lot of times every day. It is almost always the mark of someone who is an ahole. YTA.

gcot802 said:

Honestly yeah YTA. You aren’t an asshole per se, but those are the judgement options here. Your expectations are out of whack. You made a bad first impression with the party and hickeys. It’s great you apologized, but an apology doesn’t change the fact it happened.

There is absolutely 0 reason for this woman to respect her daughter’s 21 year old bf. You are not peers. In this dynamic you are not equals. She does not love you. You need to build trust with her because at the moment she just sees a guy who might lead her child down a bad path (whether that’s fair or not doesn’t matter, you need to show her you are trustworthy).

I really hope you asked your girlfriend before doing this because if my man did this I would be livid and it would set his relationship so far back with my family idk if it would recover. You should have let her handle this.

happybanana134 said:

YTA. Well, that's one way to torpedo your relationship with your girlfriend's mother. Firstly, families treat boyfriends and girlfriends differently; they aren't 'disrespectful' for not inviting you along to dinner. Secondly this is something for Maddie to deal with, not you. And if you must address this, text is not the way - this kind of thing needs a proper face to face conversation, not a text message.

PettyBettyXoXo said:

YTA. It was super disrespectful for you to message her mom about directly. Not your place to do so. 100% overstepped here. This was a convo for Maddie to have with her mom privately. It also might be a good idea for you to reevaluate your idea of respect. You are also really defensive and arrogant based on your post. As a mother of daughters this is a red flag for me too.

tiredgranpavibes said:

YTA. You are just “the boyfriend”. Not to mention, if her parents were mad over a hickey and staying out late, you were never going to please them to begin with. I want to say this gently because you’re both so young: you do not have to be liked by her parents for the relationship to work out.

Also you aren’t dating her parents. You are too young to be messaging them asking about “respect” and “clearing the air." It is likely that you don’t listen well, you didn’t consider the mom’s side, and all you did is give her ammunition to tell her daughter to break up with you.

Imo, never message parents unless your partner is aware and agrees. All you did was create drama where there was none. Now you have to explain to your girlfriend why you tried to grill her mom about “respect” and family values. Just let it go. She may never warm up to you and she isn’t required to like her daughter’s (likely) first real long term boyfriend.