'AITA for telling my grandpa he doesn't get calls from his grandkids because he's a bully?'
"AITA for telling my (28F) grandpa (84M) he doesn't get calls from his grandkids because he's a bully?
Hi. I was over at my grandpa's house yesterday. He and my Nana got new phones and were trying to set them up with my help. We called customer support. My Nana was trying to increase the font on her phone and the customer service rep was guiding us. As we were working on our phones my grandpa got agitated.
My nana was trying to ask questions to the representative and several times my grandpa shushed her. I noticed but I didn't think it was a big deal and was showing my nana the settings on my phone and how big I could make my font. My grandpa leaned over and said "shut up." I said "no." He said "I'm telling you to be quiet" and I said "no."
Then he stood up and took his jacket off and said "get the hell out of my house." I said "no." He said he was going to call the cops and I said fine go ahead. My Nana grabbed my arm and told me to stay with her at the house too. He was yelling at me and told him he was mean and a bully and that's why none of his grandchildren call him. He told my family and my aunt texted me to apologize.
But I can't because what I said was true. The other grandkids don't like him and he doesn't have a lot respect. His whole life he goes into these rages and in my late teens I stayed with him even though I don't currently, and he kicked me out twice one for "breaking curfew" because I didn't have a key to the house and couldn't get even if I made it home.
The other time was for something I don't remember. My younger brother when he turned 18 stayed with him for maybe two months and then he got kicked out for not talking to him enough. My older sister lasted maybe 4 months then he flew in a rage and kicked her out too I don't know all the details.
But anyway, he goes through these moments where he's disappointed nobody talks to him because he "has a lot of wisdom to impart." and everyone is "missing their opportunity to know him" He asks about my siblings and I started to say do you need their numbers? Because he wants information and my siblings do not want him to know about them. He says I'm the grandpa they should call me.
TL;DR: I've been told to apologize but I meant every word. My grandpa's not a bad person he just is unpleasant to be around.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Top-Calligrapher7311 wrote:
NTA and your grandpa *IS* a bad person, clearly. Your poor Nana sounds scared of him and I can't blame her.
OP responded:
He's done good things too...but yeah he can be aggressive and rude sometimes.
SoulSiren_22 wrote:
NTA. He has been bullying people his entire life and will continue to do so. It's unlikely he will change at the ripe age of 84.
Good that you stood up for your nana - sounds like she needs the support.
OP responded:
You're right. he's too old to change. I don't know if I should apologize or not because of his age.
Irish_beast wrote:
NTA. Unfortunately your family are all flying monkeys who help enforce your grandfather's bullying because slapping people like you down is easier than confronting him. Tell them apologies are indeed due. They should apologise for being cowards and enablers.
OP responded:
This is interesting because i was sure I was going to get torn to shreds for being disrespectful to an elder. But my family had been enabling the men in it. My dad and grandpa are pretty much bullies...pretty much.
neurospicypotato98 wrote:
Sounds like he is a lot like my grandpa (maternal side) used to be. He was a crappy person when he was younger but it took my mom leaving home as a teenager for him to snap out of it. He has since been a much better person. I'm sorry your grandpa doesn't seem like he cares enough to change.
OP responded:
You're right it's too late he's 84. I'm just plan on cooling off from him for a while.
_imtheoneishouldlove wrote:
You’re definitely the most emotionally mature person in your family, considering you don’t enable his behaviour. A lot of my male relatives are exactly the same, I’m sorry you and your family have to be around a man like that. I am sure your grandma is so thankful for you, if at the age of 84 your grandfather hasn’t changed, he never will. You’re not in the wrong at all.
OP responded:
Wow. Thank you, I'm just surprised that everyone is saying NTA because I felt that it wasn't wrong in my heart, but my whole family condemned me. I made this post because I needed more confirmation that I messed up because once again I thought I hadn't. But people are saying no its not wrong and that's very healing to me.
Heyumaria wrote:
So unfortunately the 1 person that kept my grandpa inlaw in check his wife passed this year. Unlucky for him i grew up in man 1st culture. The other day I was cleaning up after a gathering, quite tired from it. He came into the area looking for a item. It got moved bc ppl + gathering.
Others started helping look for it. Welp he got big mad, started throwing kids toys everywhere- where his item should of been. It startled everyone but me I locked eyes with him saying ah now you're going to make my job of cleaning up harder now.. that got him to pause long enough to realize how big mad he was, sm1 found the item.
He tried to explain about placement of said item. I told him whomever did move it meant well. And that there are now small kids in the house, so things will not be where you leave them. He calmed. Nodded. NTA yes your family needs a come to discussion about his temperament. When they get that age try working in a redirect or take your grandma to another room to make passive offensive stance.
OP responded:
It does make it easier because I don't live with him so I don't have to deal with him a lot if I choose not to go to his house everyday.
tobypoynder wrote:
I work with computers and sometimes help sort stuff out in people's homes. I've often noticed that quite a few men get really annoyed when you try to explain something to their wives / partners. They seem to be threatened by the idea of not being the one in control, the one answering questions and have to butt in despite the fact that they have no idea what they are talking about. Real caveman psychology.