'AITA for telling my half sister I can't have a relationship with her?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my half sister I can't have a relationship with her?"
When I (21F) was very little, my dad had an affair with a woman called Elizabeth, which resulted in my half sister Jaylynn (20F). I also have three other siblings, Morgan (29F), Ruth (28F) and Ashton (26M) that don't really have a relationship with our dad since they were old enough to understand and remember a life with our parents married.
When the divorce was finalized, my dad, Elizabeth and Jaylynn moved to another nearby town 30 minutes away, so we weren't exactly close by to the point of attending the same elementary or high school, but we saw each other quite often because we had to go every weekend to our dad's.
That really sucked because specially when my siblings and I got older, we couldn't really make plans on the weekends with our friends since we would be gone Friday evening til Sunday afternoon.
Whenever me or my siblings had events/birthdays/competitions on the weekends, we would have to go to our dad's home, get ready there and then he would drive us so my stepsister felt included.
The real issue started when my siblings started turning 18 and deciding not to come anymore since legally, my dad couldn't force them, so from 14 to 18 I still had to go, but alone (to give my dad some credit and since I was starting to act out for not being able to make plans with friends on the weekends, he allowed me to stay at my mom's 2 weekends a month).
But being there sucked all the joy out of me because I was alone facing Jaylynn and Elizabeth (my dad got home around 7pm and Elizabeth was a SAHM). I dreaded listening to them make digs at my mom and sisters for their appearances, which I shot down every time but they would keep going, talking my ear off about my mom and siblings being too old to "keep up with me" whatever that means.
I guess since Jaylynn and I were closer in age than to my siblings, they expected that alone time they had with me to be enough to turn me against my mom and siblings, giving me gifts and trying to get us to bond, which gave the opposite result and made me resent them even more.
Once I turned 18, I had a heart to heart with my dad and told him I wasn't going to keep visiting if his wife and daughter were here because I felt trapped with people who hated my mother and would make vile comments about her when my mom has never being anything but graceful towards them.
She has always told us to give Jaylynn a chance since we were the only siblings she would ever have (Elizabeth had to get her uterus removed due to a tumor a few years after having Jaylynn).
My sibling sometimes had dinners with my dad, but they decreased overtime because Elizabeth demanded to come as well, my siblings refusing since they just wanted alone time with dad and since he was stuck between a rock and a hard place, those dinners very rarely occurred.
Every graduation or event became very headache-inducing because Elizabeth always wanted to upstage my mom and made backhanded comments, even tried to name herself mother of the bride at Morgan's wedding, along with some other stuff that prompted her to being escorted outside by my uncles.
Ruth didn't even invite her to her wedding, which in return made our father only attend the ceremony and not the reception since she threatened him with divorce. Last year in Ashton's graduation, he didn't even attend because the day before he was suppose arrive, Jaylynn tried to commit and was admitted to the hospital.
To say things have been tense would be an understatement. Last time I spoke to her was a few days after her admission when I went to check on her, but couldn't really see her much because her mother accused me of being the reason her daughter was in that state, because I never let her in my heart and that I should've been the one in the hospital bed.
I responded back at her and she tried to slap me but I managed to avoid it and drove back home without even talking to my dad. A few weeks ago my grandma on my dad side died.
My siblings and I didn't really have a relationship with her because she assaulted my mom when she was pregnant with Ashton and then moved away, so we only saw her maybe once every two or three years.
She was also never welcoming or loving since she always said my mom cheated and all of us were affair babies even though we were proven to be his. This doesn't apply to Jaylynn since she's a carbon copy of her when she was younger, so my grandma really favored her over any of her other grandkids.
When we attended the funeral was the first time we all saw each other in a very long time, but we mostly kept cordial for the occasion. The problem came when Jaylynn approached me and sobbed in my arms.
She said that last year she realized just how depressed and miserable it made her to have being denied a relationship with her siblings, that she realized how wrong she and her mother had treated us and wanted to make amends and start fresh with us.
She also said that our grandma's death had fully broken her because we had our maternal grandparents and lots of cousins, but she only had us (my dad is an only child whose father passed when he was a kid and Elizabeth is an only child too I believe).
I held her hands and told her that I understood how bad she must've felt in that moment and that I was sorry that she was in a situation like that because it wasn't her fault for being born from an affair, but that I personally couldn't give her the relationship she craved because I still struggled to see her as anything more than the product of the affair my dad had, not family, even less a sibling.
That I wish things had been different and that our parents had made better choices, but truth is, for the moment, I can't bring myself to be a part of her life or have her be a part of mine.
She looked at me like I had just stabbed her and I went away because in that moment I felt like crying, but I couldn't keep that in my chest anymore. I went to my car and went home, I haven't spoken to my dad in person since that day and I don't know if Jaylynn told him what happened, but I've been so anxious ever since.
My mom told me I was very harsh and could've phrased it better if that's really how I felt because she's going through so much at the moment. Most of my friends agree with me saying she needs to stop demanding a relationship and better herself instead of just crying, but one of them told me I was very cruel because if her step sister ever said the things I said, she would crash out.
I'm really lost and would appreciate some insight from people who have experienced something similar ? I don't really even know if I'm justified in being this resenting because as I said, I haven't really known a life with my parents together. Thank you so much.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You weren't harsh at all; you were being honest. Also, you didn't slam the door completely, you told her that FOR THE MOMENT you can't give her what she wants. She should back off. It may someday happen but it won't if she tries to force it.
skskhohohoe (OP)
Also what bothers me is that she only seemed to want to "have a relationship" with me? None of my other siblings, when me and her have been the ones to argue the most??
Not really surprising though. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. While she may have fought and struggled with you, that still means you had a relationship, which is more than she probably had with either of your siblings. Its not uncommon for people to prefer even adversary relationships to absolute solitude.
skskhohohoe (OP)
Yea maybe that's why, I never thought of that. I just thought she saw me as weaker? My siblings definitely don't care for her now, when we were younger they mostly ignored her and comforted me when we would argue. Now that they're older and have a life outside the family maybe she thinks she has no chance at ever getting to know them organically without me?? I'm really confused.
NTA. Your half sibling was a jerk to you every chance she got. You don't owe her forgiveness.
NTA. And your mom is a SAINT and better woman than I'll ever be because damn if I didn't raise holy hell and danced on my ex mil grave while toasting champagne if she did that to me.
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
Hello everyone, I know it's been a long time since my post and wanted to update as soon as I could with the advice I got from here, but this past weeks have been very chaotic with school and my family, and I haven't had the energy for anything else.
But now I feel ready to write it all down. I'll try to explain everything in order but just know that everything was happening all at once and my brain can only handle so much at a time.
Morgan called me the next day after I posted this and didn't even ease into it, she just went ahead asking what exactly I told Jaylynn because people were telling her different things, and I told her the truth, that I can't give her the relationship that she wants and that I don't see her as a sister.
Then she started in on how sometimes you don't have to say everything exactly as you feel it, that there are ways to say things, especially when someone is not doing okay mentally, and that I wasn't particularly new to dealing with mental health problems. And that really irritated me because when were we ever given softness growing up?
I said nobody cared that we were being dragged there every weekend, listening to Elizabeth make vile comments about mom, having to act polite while being insulted to our faces.
Then she snapped back that I have no idea how much she had to deal with before she even turned 10, trying to shield the rest of us, that not everything happened in front of me and that I don't even know the half of it.
And then it just spiraled into a screaming match because pulling out old stuff just makes you feel 13 again for some reason, she even threatened to call Ruth to back her up in what she was saying to prove I have no reason to be acting like a martyr because, according to her, I had "the easy part having the three of them like hawks around me".
I honestly don't know how she could be so wrong considering I spent my late adolescence crying every single weekend I had to go, and begging them to come with me because I couldn't handle it anymore.
I want to think she just said it because she was angry. I know she carries a lot of resentment because she had to "do it alone" because even though Ruth is only one year younger, she was always pretty much on the more innocent side and just dealt with everything more quietly while Morgan was the one who spoke up every single time.
I know both of them are still pretty angry even if they hide it better now that they have husbands and houses and everything.
Talking to my dad was wayyy worse.
I went to his job to pick him up and talk on the way to his home because I know his wife would be there and that was the only way I could talk with with alone, and because I wanted to clear up what happened at the funeral and needed to say everything to his face.
I asked him why he never shut Elizabeth down when she talked badly about mom or us, why he never drew hard boundaries with them like he did with us, why "keeping the peace" always meant we were the ones who were adjusting and why even after having all of their kids say they wouldn't see him if his wife was there, it didn't click for him that maybe his wife was really the problem.
He did the whole forehead rub and saying he was so tired of everything and everyone, that he was trying to maintain stability, that Jaylynn didn't deserve to grow up feeling unwanted and that --YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS--, Elizabeth is his wife and he will always be by her side even when she's wrong and would never let anything come in between them.
I asked him how can you love someone who has destroyed every single relationship in your life because you refuse to put her in her place and he just said I didn't know anything about her and couldn't judge her because everyone has "their little things". In that moment I wanted to swerve and crash the car because what do you even mean.
That honestly messed with my head more than anything else he's ever said, because suddenly it's not a mistake he made years ago that he can't fix now, it's a present day choice he isn't embarrassed to continue making and it honestly repulsed me.
When I was little I was so sad because I thought my dad was being abused by this woman because he couldn't POSSIBLY be ok with her doing all that stuff and surely he was planning on divorcing her any moment. Came to find out, he is completely fine with this and isn't bothered by the fact all of his kids completely hate him.
I also talked with my mom because as a many of you said, her passiveness when it came to what we endured was not ok and she also needed to be held accountable. I asked why she didn't push harder legally, why she didn't take dad and Elizabeth to court when lines were crossed and let us handle comments like that as kids.
She said she didn't want our childhood to turn into a constant legal warfare, that she thought dignity and calm would protect us more than dragging everything through court, but I said dignity doesn't stop people from humiliating you and that she just acted cowardly because she didn't want to be seen as the bitter ex wife.
She just didn't respond after that and went to her room. I don't know if it was fair to say it but that's just how I feel after being being villanized by my own mother for responding to abuse.
After that it was mostly peaceful for about a week and a half but Jaylynn asked to meet a few days later and for some reason I agreed to meet in the parking lot of the train station in my town because honestly I don't want to set foot on hers anymore.
It was just so awkward at first because we sat on one of those metal benches where everyone passes by you and listens, it was so public and exposed I kinda wanted to just leave.
She said she's in therapy now and that she realizes her mom filled her head with stuff about us blaming her for existing, that she spent years thinking that if she tried harder to become "better" than my sibling I'd eventually choose her.
I told her I never wanted or had the intent of choosing anyone, that I was just trying to survive in that house alone for four years while my siblings were old enough to stop going.
And yes, I know they had their own versions of hell but I was physically there all by myself dealing with Elizabeth, not only in person but also on my phone on the weekdays because I wasn't allowed to block either of them or I would be made to come every weekend, not just every other.
She told me I've always treated her like the symbol of the affair instead of a person, and I said this isn't about the affair, it's about how I was treated, about the comments and about trying to alienate and isolate me from my family.
But if I'm completely honest, the comments on my previous post and what she said made me reflect on how much of my stance was about the principle of the infidelity and how much is about the actual behavior, because on the worst days, my mind always came back to her being born from an affair that destroyed my family and that made even angrier than before.
The conversation started getting heavy because I had never seen her this vulnerable and honestly it made me extremely uncomfortable because she was constantly alternating between crying, shaking or getting angry.
She also said I have the luxury of standing on a moral high ground because I wasn't the one labeled "the affair baby" my entire life and that I had other family and she didn't, but I said I'm not the one responsible for giving her the family her own parents created from a broken one, and that her own actions ensured none of us wanted to have a relationship with her as adults.
After that she just asked if there's genuinely nothing in me that wants to try and I said I don't want to force anything just to make everyone else comfortable and that she should focus on sorting out things with her mom and not me.
Also I got the impression she was using a lot of therapy speech on me because she kept saying how hating her made me feel that I'm the one in control so I could keep punishing her forever but nothing would undo what happened. After that we just said goodbye because it was getting late and honestly we were just going in circles.
A few days after, Ashton sent me a screenshot of a chat request from Jaylynn saying she's sorry for everything and that she hopes he'd be open to maybe grab a coffee someday and talk about everything.
He just said "look at this" and when I asked him if he was going to respond he said " idk I'll think about it", which kind of makes me angry because if he's open to reconciliation I don't know where that leaves me with the rest of them.
I also talked with Ruth about everything, she's the most "detached" one but that's just her personality. She just said life's too short to make this our defining trait and that for so many years it looked like this was the only thing that kept us close, not shared interest, just circling each other like wounded animals.
She also said that both me and Jaylynn were acting from ego and were so young to make this our hill to die on. I told her about the message from Jaylynn to Ashton and asked her if she would be open to communication one day, and she said, and I quote, "I don't know what I'm gonna have for dinner today, what makes you think I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, maybe if the wind changes".
Then there's Will, Morgan's husband, who I've known since I was like 6 and honestly feels like another brother to me. I ended up talking to him in my car because I wanted to show him how I've decorated it because it was originally his old car that both of them gave to me as a present on Christmas since they were getting a new one.
He said he didn't want to get involved because he's technically an in-law and he's seen enough through the years, but from his perspective this says more about me than about Jaylynn, that he loves me very much, and needs me to let go because it feels like "second hand anger", that I stopped having contact almost 4 years ago and it still manages to upset me.
He's been around since the beginning and he's watched Morgan fall apart and put herself back together, he's heard things I probably don't even know about. That set me off because yes, Morgan absolutely suffered but at the end of the day she stopped going right after she turned 18 and I was just there until it was my turn.
He said that pain wasn't a competition and then we just went back inside and continued like nothing happened because Morgan was already on edge about something at work and both of us knew this would set her off.
So right now no one is really taking sides, we're just exhausted and want to pretend like nothing happened, and I get it, they're older and have far more complicated lives than I do, but that doesn't exempt them from being just as involved as I am. I just know for the moment I'm going to try to focus on the things and people I love and stop worrying about the past.
Thanks for reading this long rant ! I know it's a lot and really ambiguous, but things like this take time and are extremely mentally taxing. Thanks also for all the encouraging words on my last post and even to the meaner ones because they helped me try to open my mind to all the possibilities.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
"I just know for the moment I'm going to try to focus on the things and people I love and stop worrying about the past."
This is a refreshing take, and the first step to healing. Take some time to relax and let your brain settle after such a harsh ordeal! ❤️
Wow. How exhausting. I'm so sorry that literally everyone in your life has invalidated your feelings and experiences growing up. But honestly, it doesn't sound like anyone is going to acknowledge your pain and suffering so your best option is to cut contact and go to therapy yourself to heal.
Not that I agree, but it sounds like maybe they're all just tired of you confronting everyone all the time? All the kids involved were victims in their own way. Maybe your siblings have just reached the stage where they realize this.
The most fault lies on all the parents though. No one wins in this situation. You don't owe anyone a relationship or apology though. You also don't owe your half sister to make peace with her or coddle her feelings.
I remember your first post. I still think you're not the AH for saying what you did. Look, your brother in law is right that pain isn't a competition but your siblings have had longer to deal with the past than you have and have learned their own coping mechanisms for that.
You don't owe your half sister a relationship and your dad has made it very clear where he stands so if you feel your relationship with him is effectively over, then that's also your right.
I think the end of your post is positive for you - not to live in the past and keep reliving that hurt. Don't focus on if your siblings are to have a relationship with your half sister. That's beyond your control and is their own choice.
If they want to get sucked back in to that madness let them. Focus on your own healing and your relationship with them instead. I think therapy would be really helpful for you to do this.
If it helps at all I think your half sister is scared and lonely, and is grasping for a relationship with you because of the closeness in age, but you are right to protect yourself - sometimes people say all the right words and their actions don't align with that and being wary is not an AH move.
I still think what you said was perfectly fine. You do not owe that girl a relationship. I think it'd be a lot easier to cut off her, her mom, and your dad for a good long while.
I'm all for letting go of anger. I had to learn to separate my mom into 2 different people (mom & K). I hated my mom and on my bad days I still hate her for what the emotional and verbal abuse did to me. At 34 I still have self esteem issues.
Over the years I've learned to deal with K. I've gone from very small doses without a buffer to being able to go to things with her by myself. I still can't be in the car alone with for more than an hour. At that point I start to feel trapped which is one of my anxiety triggers (also why I can't car pool 99% of the time).
She got sober and into therapy. After a couple years she apologized and indicated she wanted to make amends/work on relationship. I told her that I understand but that the ship had sailed on fixing our relationship. She's accepted that and knows our relationship is on my terms.