'AITA for telling my husband he can't be in my friend's wedding party?'

"AITA for telling my husband he can't be in my friend's wedding party?"

I (45F) have been close friends with B (30ishF) since our kids started school together (kids now 14). I had been a supportive friend, helped at kids birthdays, play dates, saw concerts together, caught up regularly for drinks or just swims in the creek.

About 2 years ago my husband, J (50M) started working at the same place and B, so naturally they became friends. Over that time I noticed that B had begun to disengage from me, however I knew that she was still in contact with J by messaging, but J made it seem like it was only every now and then. I thought nothing of it, but I did notice that he had become very protective of his phone.

One night, J tells me that B asked him if he would be a "bridesman" in her upcoming wedding (which I only knew from her telling J a few weeks earlier)- no message to me.

I was shocked to say the least, and I was angry. I literally couldn't not speak. I had so many questions- how the hell did they become close enough for him to be IN HER WEDDING? How did I not know about this?

The next day, I collected my thoughts (still unable to coherently put my thoughts together) and sent J a message, explaining how and why I reacted. This is what I sent him: I thought I'd write down how I feel, as I'm unable to voice it right now. There are 3 parts to this, what's on me, what's on B and what's on you.

I feel my reaction was the way it was because it's tapped into a lot of my insecurities and negative core beliefs I hold about myself. Like, I'm not good enough, I'm worthless, I'm useless, no one wants me in their life.

I feel so hurt and this seems to be the norm in my life, I try and be a good friend/ wife/ sister etc, but people let me down and it makes me feel disrespected and incredibly upset. This taps in to a trauma response, bringing all the rejection and hurt along with it.

B knew exactly what would happen when she asked you to be a bridesman, she knew exactly how it would make me feel by including you and I didn't even get a message that she was engaged.

She has been my friend for a long time, I have been there for her, helping out at the kids birthdays, giving gifts, supporting her business venture by sharing all of her work, going to concerts, inviting her to hang out and trying to actively be a part of her life. Then as soon as she became friends with you, everything stopped, and therefore I stopped trying.

I feel like you have not been completely honest with me about the nature of your relationship with B. To be asked to be a part of her wedding by being a bridesman, it assumes a closeness that has not been accurately depicted to me. I feel betrayed and very hurt, and angry.

Obviously I cannot tell you what to do, I just need you to understand how I feel and why this has impacted me so much. He responded by saying sorry you feel that way. The next day he told me he had said yes to B's request, that he would be a "bridesman," and goes off to work. I was livid. I sent a message to B, telling her exactly how I felt about it- that he chose to put her before me- his wife.

When J got home, he was angry and it was because I had messaged B. I had had enough, so I asked to see the messages between them. He initially said no, but I reminded him that he had done this to me last year- demanded to go through my phone to accuse me of cheating. Which I wasn't and there was nothing on my phone. What I read made my heart sink.

To say I was gobsmacked is an understatement. B's message to J asking him to be bridesman was like "you're the only other person that I feel 100% myself with" and it went on and on. I scrolled back and they had been messaging almost every day/night for the last 2 years.

She said, "IF THIS IS GOING TO ROCK THE BOAT, I'LL UNDERSTAND"- Which means she absolutely knew exactly how this would impact us. Then I get to the response to my message to B and J says "sorry you have to deal with this crap." I was done...that especially hurt because it was like oh I'm sorry about my wife. Again he was consoling HER and putting her feelings ahead of mine.

This whole time he was gaslighting me, saying things like, you're crazy, you're making this up, it's all in your head. I want to be clear-I am not thinking that there was any physical cheating-I was devastated that my own husband had been misleading me about the closeness of their relationship.

This was my message to him after all of this-The bottom line is that you knew how much this hurt me, but decided to go ahead with it anyway. You have not chosen your WIFE, you've chosen to appease B. That is evident. I clearly explained how this was affecting me, yet you went ahead and said yes...but didn't even have the courtesy or respect to tell me you'd said yes until I asked about it.

This whole thing is so wrong and underhanded. I don't understand that you don't get it. I guess this is the way it is. You get to do whatever the f you want without any empathy for me. You told me to stop being the victim. Do you think I want to feel like this?

Do you think I would deliberately act this way if I wasn't completely devastated? You can't even talk to your own wife about how you're feeling. COMMUNICATE. Don't decide for me what I can and can't handle. You said this morning that I've never shown you respect.

How about all the times I have compromised for you. BECAUSE YOU'RE MY HUSBAND and I have changed things to accommodate your wishes, and your feelings. It doesn't matter any more. I'll now do what I want, you can do whatever you want, just don't expect me to listen to you when you ask me not to do something.

I am so deeply hurt, but that doesn't seem to matter to you. I swear, if the shoe was on the other foot, you would never allow me to dismiss your objections and go through with something that was so clearly hurtful. If you don't want me to be a victim, don't make me one. CHOOSE YOUR WIFE.

After days of going down a mental spiral, J told me he had decided not to be in B's wedding, but that he would continue to be in contact with her- by this stage I was too exhausted to fight anymore. AITA for telling J that I don't want him in B's wedding party?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

chasiekins12 said:

NTA, but this marriage is over...he didn't physically cheat, but he did emotionally even if they aren't necessarily romantic, it's the lying, backstabbing and manipulation. The only reason I'd call you the AH after this is if you stay with a man who clearly doesn't and never had any respect for you. Divorce away girl!

OppositeHead9091 said:

NTA. Your husband has been emotionally cheating on you with your fake AF friend. I’m sorry but you deserve better.

Oakiefenoke said:

She’s having him in her wedding. Their relationship is not going to change. Is this how you want to live? NTA, and don’t be to yourself, either.

Comeback_321 said:

This is divorce level. You know that right? NTA. But you know that right?

GoddessfromCyprus said:

Does her husband-to-be know how close they are? That they've had an emotional affair? NTA, but I'd consider where you stand in the relationship, yours with your husband, and your husband's with her.

Primary-Delivery737 said:

NTA, but your marriage has serious problems. I can imagine what he said to her and wrote in his text messages. These are deep issues that will break you apart. He is not choosing you.