'AITA for telling my husband that I don't want his mother here on Thanksgiving?'

"AITA for telling my husband that I don't want his mother here on Thanksgiving?"

I have been with my husband for 8 years and during these 8 years, not once have i had a holiday with my family because his has always been a priority. No, its not a culture thing. It's a boundary thing. His family manipulates and guilt trips whenever he says he won't be with them for the holidays and he has yet to find his spine.

The one time he did "put his foot down" and tell them he wouldn't be going, his mom invited herself to my mother's for Thanksgiving and we ended up having to leave early because my mother hates my MIL and didn't want her at our home - and instead of seeing it for what it was, my husband wanted to leave with his mom because he "felt bad" and "didn't want his mom spending the holiday alone."

Yes, I realize I have a husband problem. We have talked about it several times and he recognizes that its an issue but has been open about not knowing how to stop the guilt he feels from putting his foot down (he has severe abandonment issues because his mom gave him to the state when he was 6 and stayed in foster care until his older sister got custody of him a couple years later).

Anywho, last year I opted not to do anything for Thanksgiving because I outright refused to go to his families house and my mom wasn't doing anything. My husband decided to stay home with me and his mom shows up with a plate for herself and her son/my husband unannounced around 8pm.

Then on Christmas, I made a Christmas dinner for my husband, myself and my kids (his step kids, whom spend Thanksgiving with their dad every year) and his mom showed up without invitation, served herself food before any of the children ate and made 3 separate plates to take home to her boyfriend before anyone else had touched the food.

I didn't get anything to eat and none of us realized it until after she was gone because we were also outside sledding with the kids and she slipped out without goodbyes. She did the same thing on my son's birthday in April, where she left with 3 out of the 6 pizzas I bought when no one was looking.

So, this year we bought a home and we will be throwing our own Thanksgiving dinner but I have told my husband that I don't want his mother here. She has zero respect and I WILL be eating the food I cook without sticky fingers pawing at and pocketing the food before anyone gets a chance to sniff a roll.

He offered a compromise of her simply bringing a dish along with her and I told him that a green bean casserole won't make up for her stealing all of our food (she's well off so she doesn't need to steal food - she simply hates cooking and her boyfriend is an alcoholic and wont cook but wants to be waited on by her).

I told my husband that this year is for my mom and dad, not his mom, not his family, none of them are welcome here this Thanksgiving. I have my kids this year for Thanksgiving and I want to enjoy a day with my family only and if he wants to see his family, than by all means he can go by himself but they arent welcome here.

He says he feels like I am kicking him out of his own home and says that he can't stop his mom from showing up randomly. I beg to differ but have made it clear she will be turned away at the door if she shows up. He says I am because heartless and lack empathy to how this makes him feel/look. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Odd-End-1405 said:

NTA. I understand you know you have a husband problem, but it is ultimatum time. You were pretty clear about them not being invited, but he has already stated he "can't keep them showing up. YES he can. He is basically telling you that he will encourage his mother to "drop in" uninvited.

Make it VERY clear to him, that this is a yes or no to your marriage event. MIL is NOT to show up. He can CHOOSE where he spends the holiday. With Mommy or his wife.

TheNamesAreAllTaken- said:

NTA. Put up a security camera, and enjoy your meal!

MissMetal93 said:

NTA - but tell your in-laws in advance this year is for your family only, and they should make other arrangements.

live-fast-eat-trash said:

NTA. But I’m not sure why you’re here when you know you have a husband problem and so far haven’t actually put your foot down.

Allysgrandma said:

NTA. You have put up with plenty. I would have stopped her with the plates for the jerk husband or whoever she lives with.

Quicksilver1964 said:

NTA. But at this point you have to make a scene. The problem is not just your husband, but that you have allowed that. Good for you to put your foot down, and tell him the consequences. If she comes, she will not enter your house. If he opens the door, both will leave.