Mom’s return after 17 years threatens son’s marriage, wife demands change or she walks. AITA?
"AITA for telling my husband either he comes home or I'm done?"
BusinessZombie2411
I've been with my husband for 9 years now. I just gave birth to our son 5 months after years of infertility. We underwent 3 rounds of IVF before we had a pregnancy that "stuck" (4 miscarriages).
This was such a a big turning point in our marriage. We got unbelievably closer, despite all the grief, and for the first 3.5 months of our sons life he was easily the most attentive and helpful man I have ever in my life met. Life was happy.
Well, his mom all the sudden came back in to his life when our son was 3.5 months old. She moved back to our state (she moved to Canada without him when he was 13 and has barely seen him or his siblings for 17 years).
There have been multiple occasions where her presence has made me incredibly uncomfortable. Like she has come here a good 5-6 times since our son was 3.5 months old, never held the baby either. When my husband says "look, it's grammie", his mom will raise her eyebrows and say "hi" before looking away.
99% of the time that she comes here, she asks my husband to go outside with her (away from me and the baby) and she's started to ask my husband A LOT to go to her place and needless to say, me and the baby are never invited. He says that she's "just trying to catch up" with him and make up for lost time but I'm honestly just done with it.
Today was his only day off this week. The baby has a spiked fever and is super cranky. I had to call out of work for the past 3 days due to this (I work from home). The house is an absolute mess. I haven't showered in 4 days. I can't put the baby down without him screaming. I need help.
Well, around 10am his mom calls and says she "needs" him because she has a surgery and needs a ride to and from. So, he leaves. There was no prior notice. Well, he called me and hour ago and told me that her boyfriend is there too so I asked him why he is still there when she clearly has a ride and a support system?
He says that she just asked him to be there and he wanted to be there for her. Well, he just called me again 10 minutes ago and tells me that she's in recovery and asked him not to leave.
I told him that I really needed his help and that ever since his mother has popped back up, he's been MIA and I feel like I'm doing everything alone. He told me he's sorry I feel that way and that he "wants" to be home with us but his mother needs him.
I guess something inside me just broke when he said that. Because I'm telling him I need him and his mom "needing" him is more important. So I told him if he didn't come home I was done. I would file for divorce.
I'm not playing second to a 'mother' who ditched her kids 17 years ago and has seen them all of twice since. Me needing his help is more important than his mother wanting him there when she already has support with her.
He says "are you serious?" And I just hung up. I hardly see this man any more because of this woman and I don't want to live a life like this anymore, even though it's only been a month and a half since this started happening. AITA? The hospital is only 15 minutes from us so if he's not back in 30 minutes, I'm packing my stuff.
ETA: I own a property that I rent out for AirBNB. That's where I will be going. No, I don't have a support system. I grew up in foster care. My biological mother died during child birth and my dad didn't want me. I was never adopted out. My best friend moved 2 years ago. It's just me, and used to be my husband.
Edit: on my way to the AirBNB now. The last phone call I received was him telling me his mother would be discharged within the hour and he would be home after dropping her off.
Her boyfriend (who lives with her) is still at the hospital. He could drive her. But mommy wants her precious son to. So, I'm leaving. Thank you everyone who took the time to comment. I will update as the night progresses.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
CakePhool
You husband need Therapy, because he is now trying to be a 13 year old boy that mummy loves enough to stay, which wont happen , she will ditch him.
Due-Television-3846
I agree, he just wants his mom's love and approval,but forgets that he is not 13 anymore.He has family now ,fir which he is responsible!
4MuddyPaws
This is actually very common with adults who were abandoned as kids by one parent or another and the parent suddenly shows back up. It's incredibly complex. The "child" wants so badly to gain the parental approval so they aren't abandoned again.
Mix that with possibly wanting to be the "good child," since there is often a deep seated feeling that somehow they caused the parent to leave them. This isn't just a matter of recognizing they need to grow up. They need therapy to help them recognize what they're doing and why so they can move forward.
notthedefaultname
And OPs probably got abandonment issues if she went through foster care that him leaving her when she needs him is triggering.
Dresden_Mouse
Tell him he has completed the cycle and become the parent who abandons his own child.
Unlucky-Start1343
So he is abandoning his kids because he got abandoned as Kid and now that person is back. NTA for trying to stop him abandoning your kid and you.
elainegeorge
NTA. Why is she back? Is she getting older and needs someone to take care of her? Does she need a kidney? No one pops back into another person’s life like this, right? There must be a reason.
Your spouse is trying to play perfect son with the mother who abandoned him, and in the process, is abandoning his own child. The irony. What do his siblings say? Are they letting her back in?
Significant-Owl5869
I’m sorry OP. Good for you for putting your foot down. I’m sorry he’s choosing his mother. I had a talk with my husband once. His mother claimed her, her husband and her kids are her “circle” and no one can penetrate it because it’s a bond blah blah.
One day I got fed up and told my husband “You are the man of this house. WE are your circle! I am your wife these are your children and you’re supposed to lead us and protect us but you’re too busy in your family’s “circle”.
It’s okay though because MY kids have a strong mom and they are MY “circle” and I’ll protect them since you’re too busy under mommy’s wing! We don’t need you but they will always have me and they’ll never have to second guess that!”
I promise how whole outlook changed. He’s had my back ever since. He’s regressing a little but it’s held strong for a good 5-6 years. Sometimes they just need that wake up call. Good luck OP. He’s definitely not being fair to you. He already made the decision you will come after. It’s super messed up.