'AITA for telling husband he can leave me and our newborn and it wouldnt impact our lives?'
"AITA for telling husband he can leave me and our newborn and it wouldn't impact our lives?"
My husband (32m) and I (29f) have been disagreeing lately about childcare for when I need to return to work full time. He wants to rely on his parents and my mom to watch our son (3months) and I want to enroll him in an infant program at a daycare.
I do not want his parents to watch our son for many reasons but the biggest being his parents aren't capable of watching a newborn for 9 hours and the fact that they refuse to follow the updated safety guidelines for prevention of SIDS.
Every time I tell them updated information different from how they did it 30 years ago I get comments like "my kids would be dead 100 times over nowadays with what I did" or "you're letting these guidelines drive you crazy" because I don't want my son to suffocate due to a blanket or bumpers being in/on his bassinet.
To put it in perspective my in laws have issues with their other DIL as well due to how they treat people around them. I could go on about the issues the inlaws and I have had in the past but I don't want this post to be so so long. Let's just say his parents purposely cross boundaries at the expense of other to get what they want.
Anyways the arguement between my husband and I got very heated the other night as I was preparing my son's bath on the kitchen counter. As I was finished filling it with water my husband was so upset with our disagreement that he took the bath and flipped it over.
Resulting in water being all over our kitchen and dinning room hardwood floors and table. I told his to get the f out of the house and to not come near me or our son (I was baby wearing him at the time).
He kept trying to come near me to the point I left through the backdoor with my son and tried to get in my car to drive away but my husband stood behind my car so I couldn't leave so I just walked away from the house instead so I could feel safe with our son.
Eventually I needed to come back in order to feed our son a bottle. My husband was attempting to clean up the gallons of water he spilled on the floor and all over the documents I had on the table (floors, basement ceiling and documents ended up damaged). He said he would finish cleaning up and then leave the house. He left around midnight and didn't come back until 8pm the next day.
Sadly this isn't the first time my husband has acted out of anger. While I was pregnant he punched a hole in our hallway and then grabbed me resulting in my shift being ripped.
He also has knocked my possessions off countertops resulting in things I cannot replace being broken. He always apologizes and says he will do better but I no longer have hope for him.
When he came back the other night we continued the conversation about childcare and somehow got on the topic of another future baby. Which I said I potentially did not want another child due to the traumatic birth of our son (Im less than 3 months postpartum during this conversation).
My husband then threatened to divorce me and go have a baby with someone else because his son will not be an only child. I flat out told him to file the paperwork without any emotion.
I told him it wouldnt make a difference if he was here or not considering he left for almost 24 hours without any communication and I can manage it all on my own. Do I want our son to have divorced parents, no I don't, but I also dont want him to grow up around a father who acts out of anger and aggression.
I just feel like I've been through enough with him and for him to now threaten divorce over childcare and potentially not having another baby is absurd in my mind. I know during our arguements I can say nasty things but I never threatened divorce.
Now a few days later we are trying to continue talking about childcare but my trust for him and his parents is almost non existent due to his actions and words. I'm starting to feel like I am the A-hole because I said that him leaving wouldn't make a difference.
Like deep down I do not want him to leave. But then I think about how mid typing this I had to stop to go take out the garbage (its 5am) before collection even though he said he did it before he went to bed. I just sometimes think he purposely is incompetent so I just do everything.
He says I wont have to coordinate with our parents on whose watching our son when during the week and he would do it. But ik that wont happen and I will have to end up doing it.
I just don't need the extra stress and rather have something consistent. I just don't know what to do or if I am an A-hole for not wanting this life as it is right now for our son. Any advice or words of wisdom are welcome.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
He is violent, aggressive and purposefully only damages and breaks your stuff (mementoes, documents) during his rage blackouts. He tried putting his hands on you while you were pregnant and now while you were holding your baby when he flipped the washbasin, and he wouldn't let you leave or feel safe.
He is adamant about his parents watching your child when they refuse to follow medical advice about SIDS. Why are you with this person? Do you want your son to grow up around a parent who is violently abusive to his mother and towards him? And constantly puts his own child in unsafe situations?
Please leave while you still can - or very soon your bc will conveniently fail or his condom will break or he'll force you and you'll be pregnant with baby number 2 and his abusive actions will keep escalating. You're NTA with regards to him and wanting to divorce him, but TA if you continue in this abusive relationship.
Your husband is abusive. He is aggressive and sounds like he is gearing up to escalate. I think you would be safer if you start making plans to get safe. Your baby would be better growing up safe and loved rather than a scary home of abuse.
NTA but I am concerned about his anger and you said it wasn’t the first time. That is a red flag. If you want to be in a relationship with him I would advise marriage counselling and him to go on an anger management course. Personally I would not stay in a marriage like that. Do you want your child to grow up with what sounds like an abusive person?
I speak from experience being raised in a home where dad was physically, mentally and verbally abusive. Though he changed and we have a okay relationship now I am distant. As for mum while I love her I have never forgiven her for not getting us out of that situation.
The minute he tried to prevent you from leaving you should've called the cops. Start documentingyou'll need it for custody. Get the grandparents to confess in writing so they won't be allowed to babysit. Tell him his sons safety should be his number one priority. Period. Nothing else should come before that.
His behavior shows he doesn't care about his safety or well being. His behavior can mentally affect his baby. Throwing things around a baby Is never a good sign, neither is both of you trapped in a car while he's yelling at you.
You most definitely NTA! He is abusive and you need to put yourself and your son’s safety first. He will not change if this is already repeated behaviour. As hard as it is to walk away, there are some women out there who unfortunately lose their lives. Please, please if you are even scared or don’t know where to begin contact Orange Door. They can help.