'AITA for telling my husband he can’t be friends with his former female coworker?'
"AITA for telling my husband he can’t be friends with his former female coworker?"
Ok, I know this sounds petty but hear me out... this is a little long. My husband (M 37) and I (F 37) have been married for 18 years, I trust him a lot, he has been a wonderful partner. Anyways, I won't mention the line of work he is in but he's upper level management.
There is a woman (I'll call her Deb. She's around 34) who worked directly under my husband, not a secretary or anything but like a step lower in management and they worked side by side daily.
My husband mentioned all the time how much she and I have in common when it comes to our backgrounds/upbringing and wanted us to meet. We ended up meeting at a work event, my husband introduced us and immediately she said she had to go find someone and walked off, she hardly acknowledged me. At the time I thought it was a little rude but brushed it off.
I have since seen her several times and she will never speak to me, my husband said she's super extroverted and talks everyone's ear off all day so he doesn't understand what's going on (she works in a heavily male environment so I think that has something to do with it).
One time she was playing with my 4 year old son and I walked over and she literally turned around and walked away, another time I was standing next to my husband and she walked up and started whispering in his ear and didn't even look my direction.
I've never done anything that could possibly offend her so I think she's into my husband, I don’t know what else it could be. I told my husband how she acts around me and he said she is a little weird and possibly a sociopath. He said she is very into herself and her accomplishments and maybe feels threatened by me because we have similarities in our accomplishments.
She ended up moving several states away for her job (same company, different location) so I thought that would be the end of it. Then I saw text messages on my husbands phone where they had been talking a lot and even discussing a tv show after watching each episode.
It pissed me off, my husband said before that he was friendly with her because they had to work together but they don't anymore. These aren't work conversations and while nothing suggestive was said, she was definitely a little flirty. I told my husband I wasn't comfortable with this relationship and he said he wouldn't talk to her anymore.
Fast forward several months and my husband and I are in the car together when I see an incoming call from Deb on my husbands phone (connected to the cars Bluetooth). He looks at me (knowing he f'ed up) and then answers. It's clear from their conversation that they have remained in touch.
Deb was essentially bragging about herself to my husband for 25 minutes until I reached over and disconnected the call. My husband acted shocked that I was so upset and said if anything was going on between them, he wouldn't have answered the call in front of me.
I told him no more! I don't control who he is friends with but there is something wrong here and I'm very uncomfortable. He has other female friends who are great but this woman clearly doesn't like me.
He said he doesn't know how to just cut her off without it being rude, they also have other mutual friends and it would make things awkward. My husband doesn’t hide his phone from me or act secretive so I don’t think he’s cheating but on some level it feels like an emotional attachment if he doesn’t stop talking to her.
I would never be friends with men who openly disrespect my husband and I expect the same courtesy. AITA for telling him not to speak to her anymore? I feel like if he does, he's putting her feelings above mine.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Yes he is putting her feelings over your feelings, he is also emotionally attached To top it up he has already lied to you about their connection. Her behaviour towards you reek of jealousy. Time to have some serious conversations because there is more here than you know. How many red flags do you need?
Deb needs a lesson in Boundary 101. Sometimes we have to help those who cannot help themselves. Why can't OP's husband quit Deb? He says he doesn't know how to just cut Deb off without being rude. This is where OP must step in and tell Deb to f**k off. She already doesn't like OP, so there's no loss there.
The monster husband never stepped in to defend his wife or check Deb's behavior when they worked together. Why does she continue to treat OP's husband as a single guy? She's overstepping. Her husband is allowing it. OP must stop it.
Even if he didn’t have feelings for her, she obviously does for him. This is out of line for a work friendship. He is a married man. He needs to put his wife first. He should have spoken up about her behavior towards you long ago. It should have been nipped immediately.
If he cares at all about you and your marriage, her feelings or her reaction to him cutting off contact shouldn’t matter. If she complains to mutuals, he can say whatever he wants. The professional friendship ran its course, she overstepped towards his wife, whatever. You have drawn the line, set your boundary, and he’s already crossed it. Big mistake man. You’re NTA, but he is.
I believe it time to talk to your husband and ask him whose feelings are more important. As of right now it’s seems to be hers over yours! Is it hurting your feelings and the union of your marriage or a fair weather friend whom is actively disrespecting you, which he is aware of?
Why disrespecting your boundaries is more important than cutting off a the woman? Why he cares more for her feelings than yours? I would want to see him not only block her number, email etc and than delete them off is phone. Or telling her only contact him if it’s work related . Also maybe addressing with her why she is rude to you and list all the instances she was treating you rudely.
How could he actively lie to you? How could he hide this friendship after agreeing she is rude and he would cut her off? How are you suppose to trust him going forward? I also believe it’s time to tell him it time to attend marriage counseling as well.
If he not willing to set boundaries, not willing to block her or tell her to only keep it work related, or even go to marriage counseling than this is going to lead to a very unhealthy relationship with you. If he loves you he should willing to put your feelings first and his family first.
I honestly think there was more, an affair no offense but no woman would be so opposed to her colleague's wife as she was. No one is that introverted. There was at the least an emotional affair and it still continues. Your husband is a 100% in the wrong.
Hey it could also just be one sided from her side. And your husband gets off on that. Likes knowing that and that is also a 100% wrong. Talk to him and asking him to tell you the truth. Why does he even when you said it makes you uncomfortable still insists to continue. Update me please.