Pregnant wife forces divorce over a horse; 'you can't have your cake and eat it too.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my husband he can't divorce me and still consider himself my daughter's stepdad?"
Throwawayequeste
My (42F) 16 year old daughter is not my husband's biological daughter. Her dad decided after I got pregnant that the mom of his child wasn't the woman he wanted to marry and is not in her life.
It was just me and my daughter for the next 7 years until I married my husband. We had 3 kids in quick succession after we got married. They are now 8M, 7F, and 5F. I recently found out I was pregnant, and that has made my marriage worse.
My daughter's dad first lived off of others giving him money to be an equestrian. He later, I found out, started getting hired as a riding instructor/ helped others take care of their horses ( his inconsistent income/ 1099 status was what he used to dodge his financial responsibilities).
I started my daughter on this path as a hobby, but it was clear that she was talented. I would work a second job as a stable aide so that she could afford the lessons, would drive other kids to and from lessons and do other odd jobs to put towards her training expenses until I married my husband and became a SAHM.
My husband was very supportive of her pursuit until she entered high school. We were looking into possible future scholarships ( which I understand are rare) to come out of her competing/ colleges with equestrian programs. My husband started lying about how my daughter did not want to do this, and how he loves her more than me because he understands her better.
He embarrassed me by complaining about the other moms whose kids competed saying they were snobs, or that he didn't want me to try to fit in with them or get their approval. Then he'd complain to parents about the new group lesson costs etc.
I found out I was pregnant and went with my daughter to an event, and got too sick and tired to attend a school open house and he flipped out on me when he came home.
We got into a fight and he told me that this isn't working out. I feel he says that to scare me, but I was not scared of divorce because I'm not going to grovel for his approval, and I can make it work without him.
I told him I'll happily grant his divorce. He then says he wants joint custody of all the kids. I told him that legally he has no grounds with my daughter. He says she can still come to his place when he has the other kids, and I remind him she doesn't have a license and I don't owe him any agreement to drive her to his place.
He screams " she is my stepdaughter- I've been her dad!" I told him he cannot just want to divorce his pregnant wife and get the benefits of that ( including my general cooperation with this divorce) and still claim the title of my daughter's stepdad. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Legally I am in the right since he never adopted her.
He does not want to support my 16 yo's goals. With the divorce he's doesn't have the responsibility that being an equestrian's parent entails, all her bills will be coming out of my account, but that means he cannot just continue to enjoy all the benefits of that without any of the responsibility- I don't think that's fair.
I told my daughter that her stepdad wants a divorce because he absolutely hates paying for her lessons, says they are making her into a snob like me and the other moms. She's a people pleaser so she'd say yes to seeing him just to not hurt his feelings.
But she has said that if he really hates her because she wants to be an equestrian then she just wants to continue her passion and it seems most conducive to do so where she's living with me and not seeing somebody who actively wants to stop her future dreams. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
RandomReddit9791
It sounds like you're weaponizing your daughter because your husband wants a divorce. Has he actually said these things about her and her lessons? Something seems a bit off with this story.
No-Lifeguard-8273
That’s what I took away from this post. My daughter has an expensive hobby. My husband can’t afford it so I’m divorcing him and refuse to let him see the daughter he raised. To make it easier for her to hate him I am blaming the divorce on my husband not wanting to support her.
If you want to pay for your daughter so bad then get a job to pay for her hobby and stop blaming your husband to alienate him from your daughter. He raised her and he wants custody of her.
Are you going to divorce him and tell your daughter. “Well it looks like none of your fathers love you. At least your siblings have a father.” I’m sure that will work out great for her well being and mental health.
ConsiderationJust999
Also the message to the daughter, "your hobby caused you to lose your stepdad." Super messed up. Even if it were true, I wouldn't tell a kid that.
shammy_dammy
Does your daughter want him in her life still? And you told her that he wants to divorce you because of her lessons? Wow....um...yeah. YTA for that alone.
maderisian
YTA. YT SUPER A for this "I told my daughter that her stepdad wants a divorce because he absolutely hates paying for her lessons, says they are making her into a snob like me and the other moms. " Nobody who ISN'T an AH talks to their kids about their relationship. You don't badmouth other parents. That is such a gross thing to do.
You seem to have the moral high ground on your side, but some of the things you say reveal a lot about your personality, and make me wonder if there isn't more to this. "but that means he cannot just continue to enjoy all the benefits of that without any of the responsibility- I don't think that's fair."
That level of pettiness to the complete exclusion of what is best for your daughter makes me wonder if this is a "pageant mom" situation and maybe your DAUGHTER told him she doesn't really like this anymore, or doesn't want it to be her whole life, and can't come to you.
Like seriously. The man has been her father for nine years and suddenly he's out because he doesn't want to take her to horse riding lessons anymore? Doubt.
yellsy
I bet her daughters extremely expensive hobby is also OPs entire life and she makes no time or money for the younger kids. OP is also refusing the shared custody of the oldest without stating what the teen wants.
She’s using the kids as a divorce bargaining chip, instead of what’s in their actual best interest. Rarely do you read a post where someone makes themselves out to be such a major ahole. YTA.
PS I have no idea why half this post is about the daughters sperm donors equestrian career, when that man has nothing to do with Op or her kid. The only dad this girl ever knew is your husband.
TheFinalPhilter
To me it sounds like you are blackmailing your husband by saying you need to pay for my daughter's expensive hobby, or you can't have a relationship with her. Your replies make it worse by saying she is a people pleaser meaning she would want to please you by going along with said blackmail.
I just wonder how she will feel about it in a few years time I am also curious how you plan on paying for her expensive hobby when you say you are a stay-at-home mom.