'AITA For telling my husband he doesn't get to do whatever he wants on weekends?'
"AITA For telling my husband he doesn't get to do whatever he wants on weekends?"
firsthomeaita
My husband (39M) and I (40F) have been married for 10 years and have 2 kids (6 & 4). We both work full-time but my schedule is drastically different from his. He works a normal 40-hour week M-F.
I am a self-employed event planner and have a much less predictable or traditional schedule. I often have to work evenings and especially weekends. For the most part, we make it work. But, this summer has been busier than usual for me and it looks like the fall will be the same way.
This has caused quite a few arguments because my husband feels I am not doing enough to give him time for himself on weekends. It got to a point where he tracked how many weekends I worked during the summer.
He actually pulled out a calendar and tallied up all the days. It basically came down to him accusing me of prioritizing my job over him and our family and me telling him that this is my job and I can't just not show up to these things.
Things came to a head this past weekend when he told me that he wants to get together with one of his oldest friends to celebrate the friend's 40th birthday. This is happening 3 weeks from now. I looked at my schedule and I am booked to work both days that weekend.
My husband suggested finding someone to watch the kids so that he can still go, but we weren't able to find anyone. He got frustrated at this and told me he hates my job because it gives him no time for himself.
I told him he just needs to book things out in advance so that I know about them. He said apparently 3 weeks isn't far enough in advance. I told him I have weekends free starting in October and early November and he told me that he is blocking ALL of those weekends off for himself and if it turns out I need to work, then it's on me to figure something out for the kids.
He tried to claim 5 weekends for himself. I told him it doesn't work like that and he said I just told him he needs to plan these things in advance so that's what he's doing. I asked him what he plans on doing those weekends.
He said "I don't know yet, but I'm taking those weekends for myself. Maybe I'll stay at home like normal. Maybe I'll plan something else, who knows. But if you work those weekends, it's on you to figure out the rest."
I told him he can't just block out a months-worth of weekends and expect me to cater to whatever he wants. He told me that's exactly what I expect from him and he's giving me over a month's notice, which is more than I sometimes give him. He told me he's tired of always having his life/social time take a backseat to my job and this is his way to taking back some sense of control of his own life.
He told me I haven't done much of anything to help him on this, and if him "booking" 5 weekends is what he needs to do to have time for himself, then this is what he's going to do. But he doesn't even have anything planned and is expecting me to just deal with this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
He_Who_Is_Person
He's regularly (it sounds like) stepping up to be sole carer at times when you'd both be there were it a normal 9-5 job. It sounds like this is what he gets most weekends. You "have" to work then, so he watches kids and doesn't get to do what he wants.
Honestly, if I were him there's a good chance I'd just get up early on the day of this birthday party, leave, and text you that I won't be home until midnight and that the kids aren't with him. You sound like you always put your "work" - which you get to decide how much to do and when to do it - above his wants, needs. YTA.
scrunchie_one
I think this is a little unfair and making a lot of assumptions. You are basically equating OP's job to a hobby and making it sound like she is 'choosing' to work weekends, when that's just the nature of her field. When your partner has non-traditional work hours, it is up to BOTH OF YOU to make it work, especially when there are kids involved.
I think NAH - partner needs to communicate his needs better, and OP needs to demonstrate to him how she's putting their family first. But saying she has to work a traditional job or basically give up her career because her partner wants time to himself is not realistic.
RandomDerpBot
How could he do a better job communicating his needs than he already has, including giving 3 weeks advanced notice for an event and still getting vetoed?
MariContrary
If she's an event planner, most things are booked months to a year+ in advance. Weddings, milestone birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, corporate events/parties, retirements, anything that is on a scale to need a planner needs to be scheduled early. 3 weeks is nothing.
Traditional_Cap_172
This sounds absolutely exhausting, I can't imagine being/staying in a relationship in which I have to be penciled into the schedule a year in advance. What happens if the husband has an emergency? If you have a job with irregular hours and choose to have kids with said job it's on you to figure out a solid back up plan for childcare.
Wearealreadyhere
Sorry, but YTA big time. Essentially you’re saying that because you have to work weekends, he should never have any social life or time for himself?!? If you were honest about this, you would admit how unfair this is and why he is justifiably upset.
Also, you have 3 weeks to find a sitter before his friend’s event. How much effort really went into trying to find one? This can either be a little speed bump in your marriage, or it can begin a mountain of resentment that will be hard to smooth over.
I think both parents need to get together and figure out that plan, I would find it hard to believe there's not a single family member, friend, neighbor or that they can't hire a babysitter when needed.