'AITA for telling my husband his children are not my responsibility?'
"AITA for telling my husband his children are not my responsibility?"
Ok I know the title sounds bad, but read first then judge. I 41(f) am married to my husband 35(m) for 3 1/2 years now. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and we have no shared children.
He absolutely hates his ex wife. He complains about her endlessly. Expects me to hate her like he does. I don’t really know her. Just what he has told me, and it’s very one sided. They both just went through custody issues because he thinks she’s unfit.
In the end, he basically lost. I never knew exactly what had happened, but she won. I didn’t get to see or hear whatever it was, but it must have been bad. He does have a temper. A bad one. I don’t always agree with his style of parenting, and when I try to intervene, I get yelled at.
This past weekend, we had the kids and took them to his son’s soccer game. Their mother was there. His daughter went and sat with her mother and he became very upset.
He was complaining about it being his weekend and that mother doesn’t get to spend time with kids on his time. I understand why he’s upset, but also, it was a public event. Their mother is allowed to attend these just like he is if she brings the kids.
This went on for about 20 minutes. Other parents were looking at him because he was cursing about it as well. He then asked me to go stand behind he ex and his daughter and find out what they were talking about and asked me to take pictures.
That’s when I told him his kids were not my responsibility. He got mad and wouldn’t speak to me the rest of the game. So now I’m thinking I might be the AH because I didn’t just do what he asked.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Why are you with a man that’s abusive to his kids? And you? Does he have good money or something? Like, one thing is turning a blind eye to being abused, it’s another doing it when it comes to kids...
NTA but he is. He’s wrapped in red flags.
NTA. You weren’t refusing to care for his children, you were refusing to participate in unhealthy, damaging behavior. And honestly, that was the right call. His kids need at least one adult in the picture who isn’t escalating the drama.
I'm a little concerned about your husband. Really bad temper, long term grudges, lack of flexibility, verbal abuse of children. How is YOUR relationship? Following kids while talking to Mom is uncool. It's not that it's not your responsibility. It's just a wrong thing to do!!
NTA for not wanting to spy on his ex wife and daughter. But this man sounds awful. He's making a scene at his child's soccer game because his daughter wants to sit with her mom.
He wants you to collect evidence to continue this battle and try to make his ex wife look bad... He constantly bad mouths his ex wife, presumably does so in front of his children given his past actions.
NTA for not wanting to go spy on his ex-wife, but is this behaviour not very concerning to you? This man sounds like he could be dangerous and a threat to his ex wife. I'd be worried for my own safety if I was in your position.
If something changes, will he obsessively hate you? And is it not worrisome to you how poorly he treats his kids and his inability to have a cordial dynamic with his ex wife for the sake of the children's wellbeing? So many glaring red flags you seem to be ignoring.
So your problem was that you don't want to take responsibility for his kids, not that you objected to feeding his resentment by acting as a spy for him? That makes you sound like a bit of an AH. He's definitely an AH, and I don't understand why you're with him.
"He got mad and wouldn’t speak to me the rest of the game. So now I’m thinking I might be the AH because I didn’t just do what he asked."
READ THAT AGAIN....
He's a puke. To everyone. His ex. His kids. You. Strangers at the freaking field. And yet somehow you think you can manage his feelings by just doing what he asked? You are enabling him to be his worst possible self. See a therapist and GTFO. OR GTFO and then the a therapist.
ESH. The only reason I'll say everyone sucks hear is the statement made. Even if he has children from a prior marriage or not, the second you married that man his children are a partial responsibility / or should be. Obviously, that goes both ways where you can't be expected to be in a parenting role one minute, then scolded for it the next.
I think he sucks because he shouldn't spend his entire time complaining about his ex wife to you, and surely shouldn't put you in the middle of their problems. If he has an issue, it should be between them. He doesn't sound very mature though, and looks like he still struggles to co-parent if the mom can't even attend a game or talk to her kid on his time.
Don’t have children of your own please, as when you leave him due to all this abuse (that temper has already turned on you by the sounds of it), he will absolutely hate you too and dedicate more of his energy to stalking and tormenting you. If you have children with him, you’ll never be free of him, the way that she is tied to him forever to punish as he likes for the sin of, I don’t know, existing?!
I think your response was perfect. His request to stalk & spy on his child & her mother was totally unreasonable. The court has already made the decision of custody. If he wants to change that, that’s his responsibility. NTA.