'AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use his paternity leave?'
"AITA for telling my husband I don’t want him to use his paternity leave?"
I (28F) had my second baby 3 weeks ago. My husband (28M) and I also have toddler (1.5). For some context, my husband has been busy, working full time with a job that requires fairly frequent travel. He was also going to school at night for the past 2 years (this started before our first was born), but just graduated this fall (finished finals right after the baby was born).
I currently work 2-3 days a week, but am on maternity leave through February. My husband’s job gives him 12 weeks of paid paternity leave which he can use any time in the first year.
With our first, he took 3 weeks off and then went back to work pretty regularly (he used a lot of his remaining paternity leave to take extra classes during the day for his grad program to help him finish his degree early). He ended up not using all of his paternity leave last time, so this time, he decided he was going to take it all at once.
At first, it was nice having him around and he was working on a lot of things around the house and taking our toddler places, however, since it’s gotten closer to the holidays and I’ve gotten mostly back into my normal routines.
He was back to his normal self, which to be honest, is him lazing around the house. Normally I feel like this is justified bc he works so hard, but now I feel annoyed because he is not working right now.
If I want him to do anything, I need to explicitly tell him and he will eventually do it. But if it’s anything urgent, it’s honestly just easier to do it myself. He’s also been making comments about how bored he is and how he “doesn't know how anyone can sit at home” and how he doesn’t know how anyone actually likes babies (he felt similarly with our first and didn't really start enjoying her until she was walking).
I told my husband maybe it would be a good idea if he goes back to work after the holidays and maybe uses his time to take 4 day weeks, or if he can use some of his time so that we can go on a trip when the new baby is older or so that he can finish some home improvement projects when the weather is nicer.
He’s actually very helpful with this kind of stuff, but all of the stuff he wants to do requires better weather. He said if that’s what I wanted, then that was fine with him, and he put in to go back to work but take Fridays off.
When my in-laws heard about this, they started hounding him about how he needed to be home bonding with the baby and helping around this house. He told them that I didn’t want him home (which is true), and then they got annoyed at me and said we should be working together and be focusing on being a more cohesive family unit.
My mom told me that I am being too tough on my husband and that he deserves to have some downtime after how hard he has been working. I’m wondering if I should have just let him take the whole 3 months and not said anything.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Why’d you have a second kid with someone who doesn’t like babies and usually lazes about the house?
Was going to ask this too, but honestly what's the point. She's clearly decided this isn't a deal breaker so eh.
She said he likes them once they get a bit older😅 I'm assuming it's not a case of hating his child, it's just not being a fan of the baby phase which isn't that unheard of, plenty of parents will tell you they had favorite and least favorite phases of their children's life.
How did he have time to get bored with a newborn, postpartum wife and toddler to take care of? Plus household chores and extra chores that a newborn brings with it?
"If I want him to do anything, I need to explicitly tell him and he will eventually do it…"
Ah, and here’s the truth. OP, if he behaved that way at his regular job, do you think he’d still be employed? I can understand why you took on the excess burden of home chores and child rearing while he was studying, but it seems that it’s become his expectation that this is simply how life will be: you work, take care of the home and do all the childcare and he just has to work and occasionally do outside tasks.
Your in-laws were right. He deserved to be read the riot act for being such a useless husband and father that it became easier not to have him around. He should have taken that 3 months and used some of the time as downtime, in between taking care of his family.
The fact that you’re not even 3 months PP and doing everything, including managing him, is a damning indictment of his own weaponized incompetence. Stop letting him get away with this and hold him accountable for actually being present in the family.
NTA- if he was bonding with the baby and helping out it wouldn’t be an issue. He’s bored and you are frustrated to be doing everything while he sits around at home. I think him going back to work was the most sensible solution.
NTA. Him being home is not helping you though. If him working and then taking Fridays off to run errands etc. then I think that makes the most sense. They aren't the ones who are going to start resenting him for being there and not helping while also complaining about being bored and how annoying babies are.
I also wonder if it makes sense for both of you to sit down and go over what needs to be done that he can help with so he is not just waiting to be told what to do and can actually be productive.
NTA. Your family should do whatever works for your unique situation. Anyone else's input is unnecessary. FWIW, your paternity split is exactly what my Husband did when our youngest was born.
We had 3 weeks together and it was great. He went back to work and had every Friday off for a full year. It was magical, my husband was less stressed, we had great family/individual time every weekend, and it made scheduling appointments so much easier!