'AITA for telling my husband that I don't want to be a single mom of three kids?' + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my husband that I don't want to be a single mom of three kids?"
So, my husband (42m) and me (31f) have been married for 12 years. We have two kids (8m and 4f). Our marriage is not great. His mother and sister often give unsolicited advice on my parenting, our marriage and life in general.
It is better in last few months, since I sit down my husband (multiple times), we talked and this time he listened, so they backed of. Not completely but it is better.
In last few weeks, husband started mentioning having a third child, which feels me with dread. I love children, always wanted a big family, but it would be too much. I cook, clean, take care of kids and work part time from home.
He doesn't really helps with house (which I am fine with) nor with kids (which is a problem). I changed all diapers, woke up at night, I take care of fevers, doctor appointments, school, play dates, everything. Mere thought of now going through another pregnancy, than taking care of a baby makes me want to cry.
I know I would have to do it all practically alone, because my husband "provides and women have been doing it for centuries, i should pull my weight and not be spoiled". It all culminated last night. After another of his "I take great care of you and kids and we should have a third" monologs, I snapped. I told him that he really doesn't.
That kids barely know him, when he comes home from work, he doesn't pay attention to them, except to snap on our daughter when she is too loud. He doesn't know anything about our days because he doesn't ask, and I stopped telling him, because he wasn't listening anyway.
He is not great father nor husband as he likes to preaches, and I have no desire to be a single mom of a third child, two are quite enough, thank you. He starred at me dumbfounded, that called me a c word, delusional and ungrateful then stormed out to his mother house. So, AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. He was a 32 year old who married a 19 year old. Not surprised he's a Neanderthal that doesn't pull his weight.
NTA I am sorry, but your marriage seems miserable. It's like your husband is living in 1950. And seeing at what age you married him, it is not surprising, he found someone very young to fulfill his picket fence dream, and doesn't care are you happy or not.
If he’s such a great provider, why is she working part time?
Don’t ask him hard questions like that, he’ll send his mum after you.
NTA. I don't always think an age gap between couples is a problem, but in this situation, it clearly is. You were 19 when you married a 30 year old. And its obvious why a 30 year old here wanted a 19 year old, because he wanted someone who he could boss around, and be in charge of.
And now that you're finally starting to push back, he's having a temper tantrum and running off to his mommy. At least you've learned enough to know not to have another child with this man.
Icy_Memory1247 (OP)
Hi, thank you for commenting. Unfortunately, I agree with you. We started dating and got married when I was 18 (only dated for 9 months) and I didn't see it that way back then, but now I do. I just turned 31 and cant even imagine being attracted to a 18 year old.
You are absolutely NTA. It's unfair of your husband to expect you to shoulder the burden of another child when he doesn't contribute meaningfully to your current family life. His reaction to your concerns was also completely unacceptable. You deserve a partner, not another dependent.
NTA but you already are a single mom to 3 kids.
NTA If money is all he is providing, then he can continue to do so through child support. You'll have a (man)child less to take care of.
NTA. An age gap doesn't have to be a problem but he married you when you when you were a child. Go to his work for a week while he does what you do normally. He will be quite.
I recommend some kind of more guaranteed birth control, like an iud or an implant. Don't let this happen to you by "accident." NTA for telling him how he really is. He needs to step up.
Icy_Memory1247 (OP)
Hi to everyone. I don't know how to update, so I'm doing it in the comments. For clarification - We dated for 9 months and married when I was 18. I turned 31 few days ago and can't imagine being attracted to 18 year old, let alone marrying one, but I didn't think like that back then.
Whatever happens with my marriage, I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER CHILD, I won't change my mind when it comes to that. I am on birth control, but I also have no desire to have sex with my husband after how he reacted and treated me.
I don't have parents and I really don't want to go to friends with this. I called my sister (M) and told her everything . A lot of things that you guys said in the comments, she has been saying for years. She showed up with food, wine and her husband. BIL took my kids to their house for a sleepover and M stayed with me.
My husband is still with his parents, didn't call or text. My MIL called, but I didn't pick up, I'm to angry and sad to have a conversation with her. Thank you everyone for commenting and giving me advice, it really means a lot. I will update when I talk with my husband and when I know how to proceed (and when I figure out how to update 😅)
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hello to everyone. I wanted to update since a lot of people were worried about me and a lot has happened. For the ones who don't want to read a long post -Things turned ugly but I am safe and I decided to get a divorce since husband and I couldn't agree in how a marriage should look like.
Now for a long update - Morning after I made this post, my MIL and SIL showed up at my house (at this point there was still no word from my husband (lets call him Rey)). It was obvious that they expected me to be alone (my kids were with BIL at my sister (M) house, she was with me). So we all sat down to have a conversation.
I know I was being annoying but I kept repeating that I don't see a point of that, conversation should happen between Ray and me, we are grown ups and married, i didn't see a reason for them to meddle.
They took great offense to that. My MIL at one point said that she doesn't understand what happened to me, I am not the girl her son married anymore. I said of course I'm not, he married a teenager and Im now a grown woman.
She turned beat red and started screaming at me, to which M said she is going to call for help if she doesn't calm down. After a few insults (mostly how I'm mistreating her son and how bad of a mother I am) they left.
Ray showed up a few hours latter. Not to ask about our children or to see how I am but to berate me on how I treated his mother. Again, I think M being there changed his plan, since he tone it down when she came downstairs.
He demanded for her to leave, she refused and said that she is going to go upstairs so we can have a conversation but she is not going anywhere until I ask her to, which I didn't.
He started with basically saying that I am bad wife, that I don't love him since I don't want more kids and I blamed him for it, I shouldn't be speaking with him like that, he is a great father to our kids etc... I asked which kids?
Kids he hasn't seen in 3 days and didn't ask how or where are they? He then freaked out when I told him they are at BIl and M's house, calling them both vile names that I don't want to repeat.
Our conversation lasted an hour and nothing productive came out of it, we were going in circles. I was scared because he multiple times started grinding his teeth and putting his hands in fists but he would calm down after few seconds.
I said if he is not willing to work on our marriage and thinks that he is completely in the right, we should get a divorce. He, at first said fine, if that's what I what, I should pack my stuff and leave.
I started packing, he ranted how Im going to live without him, how he cant wait for me to explain to kids why they are moving and similar. I said that kids are not moving anywhere.
They are staying in the house, and which parent stays here is taking care of them. He really couldn't comprehend what Im saying. I am not turning our kids lives upside down, divorce is enough of a change - they are not going anywhere.
Then his tune changed - he was willing "to hear me out", I swear i thought Im going to pop a blood vessel from rage. I said I don't care anymore - we ARE getting a divorce, only questions are about logistics and our kids.
To not makes this post even longer - this also went in circles, then he started shaking me, M got involved and they started pushing each other. That's when I called for help.
We managed to get him through the door and locked it. He left, we gave statements and I stayed at the house. I am fine but M has a few scratches. Currently I'm bombarded with texts from his family, again not a peep from him.
I am filling for divorce. I don't know why I thought that this can end any differently, but Im also glad that I tried. For people who found mine previous posts - I am ashamed of how I was speaking about M - but I was envious until I realised that I was projecting my unhappiness with my life onto her.
She didn't deserved it - she was and still is amazing sister and even better person. Thank you all, I got amazing advice and words of encouragement, Internet can also be full of wonderful people and Im grateful for each and every one of you.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Good for you. Set those boundaries, maintain those boundaries, I'm glad your sister was there and was supportive through this. You're going to be fine. Not at first, sometimes starting over looks like starting from nothing... But you've got a good head on your shoulders and you just lost 250 lb right to the curb.
Be VERY careful now. He sounds exactly like one of the men who end up harming his wife when she files for a divorce. DO NOT EVER SEE HIM ALONE AGAIN. Those are the most dangerous moments. Anything that needs to be discussed can be discussed over the phone.
Always have witnesses/protection with you. Secure your devices, make sure there are no trackers or any cameras around, listening devices etc. Please look up how to protect yourself online. His reactions are scary and he will feel justified harming you. BEWARE!
You are making the right decision for both you and the kids. Good luck with the divorce proceedings!
So he freaked out when he figured out you leaving and not taking the kids meant he had to step up? NTA. Next time his mother says anything tell HER she’s a lousy mother because she raised such a man baby.
You offered him what he wanted. He told you to leave and your were and HE freaked out. What type of man did you raise that he can’t even take care of his own kids. Just pour it on.
He doesn’t care about the family you have built he only cares about what his family (parents/siblings) think and that is a massive issue if he wants a successful marriage and family.