'AITA for telling my husband I'll divorce him after finding croutons in our baby's formula?'
"AITA for telling my husband I'll divorce him after finding croutons in our baby's formula?"
This morning, I (31F) woke up to find my husband (43M) not in our bed. I figured he fell asleep on the couch like he often does after drinking. I was slightly annoyed because he's responsible for bringing the baby monitor into our room with him since he stays up much later than me.
Since he didn't come in our room, the baby monitor never did either and our 9 month old is getting over an ear infection and has been waking up crying once a night (I can't hear this without the monitor as both doors are shut and I have a fan running).
As i was making the baby's bottle this morning, I opened the pantry to find a bag of croutons I made inside the formula with a few croutons loose in the formula and the top to the formula gone. I became instantly furious.
For context, before we had our kids (a toddler and the infant) my husband said he'd stop drinking once we had kids. When I was pregnant with our first, I'd wake to a loud noise and would walk out to find my husband passed out on the floor, being so intoxicated he fell asleep on a chair sitting up and fell onto the floor and still, did not wake up. This happened at least 3 times.
Since then, I've found him passed out on the couch several times, and passed out in the toilet a handful of times. On New Year's Day we had a serious talk about him needing to slow down/stop the drinking as I was at my Witt's end with it.
I told him if we had to have this talk again, it would be a much different talk. Since then, I've found him on the toilet at least once and just 6 weeks ago woke up one morning thinking a homeless person rummaged through our cupboards.
There was lettuce all over the kitchen, a cereal bag looked like someone chewed through it to open it and then poured a bowl on to the floor, and I found my raincoat soaking up a random mess in the entry way.
I'm not joking when I say I checked the security cameras thinking someone broke in and had a feast while we slept. He tried to blame it on the 2 year old but the folded up cereal box was a dead giveaway.
So that brings me to today. He told me he had two drinks and didn't know how he ended up in the guest bedroom, or why and thought it was our bed. But the guest bed didn't even have any sheets or pillowcases on it.
Then finding the croutons was really just the tipping point. I confronted him and told him what I found and that there's no way he only had two drinks and ended up doing this (he's 6'4", 265 lbs).
He swears that's all he had and I told him if he doesn't stop drinking, I'm filing for divorce. He went to work and we finally just talked after the kids went to bed. He said I'm overreacting, he doesn't have a problem, and it's not fair to give him that ultimatum.
I told him it's my life too and I don't have to stay in a marriage where I don't like the level of drinking, especially with two young boys. I agree, I could have waited until tonight to have a better talk, but I think he needs to know how serious I am in order for him to make a change, otherwise, I'm keeping my word and will file. So, AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Boundaries only work if they’re enforced. When are you going to put actions to your words?
1. He said he would stop drinking when you got pregnant—he didn’t.
2. You asked him to stop drinking because you were at your wits end—he didn’t.
3. You told him if you had to have the talk again it would be a more serious talk but then you find him two more times having been drunk af. Now he’s lying about his drinking and trying to blame your CHILDREN for his behavior.
OP wait till your toddler tells a teacher or another adult that their daddy is passed out drunk alot. That he was naked, vomiting etc Kids say things as they are. They don't filter the truth because this is the life that they are living.
You might find your home deemed not safe for kids. This option may be taken out of your hands OP. I hope for the sake of the kids that you put them first and not your partner.
Your husband is in a place with his addiction where he could kill your children due to his intoxication. What happens if he picks up the baby and stumbles to the ground passing out? Your baby could easily die from blunt force trauma.
Make an ultimatum: AA, he lives outside of the home and with proven sobriety you can consider trusting him again. Don’t risk your baby’s life. Don’t do it. Please I beg you, to keep them safe. <3 NTA.
YTA IF you stay with him. HES ENDANGERING YOUR KIDS!
Separate now, and let him sort out his drinking. Your baby is not safe in this household, and you don't need all the extra work of cleaning up after your drunk husband. If he can't sober up convincingly, then it's divorce.
NTA. But honey, he is an alcoholic in denial and you are codependent. You need help. Get a therapist. If you can’t afford one, go to Al Anon. He was never “going to quit when he got kids”. Had you not been codependent you would have waited to see if he quit before you had them . And you most certainly would not have had kid number two after he didn’t quit.
Not saying this to be mean but you need a wake up call. Your kids deserve better than a fall down drunk dad. It sets them up for the risk of addiction, autoimmune diseases, psychological issues…. They don’t deserve it.
Were your parents alcoholic? Or otherwise emotionally unavailable? Because abuse can desensitize you and make you accept the unacceptable. So please get some help.