'AITA for telling my husband I'm leaving him when he was in the middle of a meltdown?'
"AITA for telling my husband I'm leaving him when he was in the middle of a meltdown?"
Hairy_Pepper_2826
My husband and I have been together for 8 years now. I have 2 sons from my previous marriage (13 and 9) and I just gave birth to me and my husband's daughter 3 months ago.
Prior to me giving birth and even a few weeks following, our home life was great. We often had friends telling us they wish they could find someone that made them as happy as him and I made each other.
There was hardly ever any disagreements. Our communication was solid. He was fantastic with my boys. Attending every parent teacher conference, doctors appointment, school event, etc and took them out often to play baseball and basketball. This ALL changed after maybe 2-3 weeks after I gave birth.
He turned angry, depressed and impatient. Me and the kids started having to constantly walk on eggshells. He became lazy. Such as stopped cleaning up after himself or helping around the house; yet still used sentences to my kids such as "you guys need to pick up after yourself. Me and your mother shouldn't have to follow you around and clean up your messes" when he never cleaned at all.
I couldn't even get him to wash his own dinner plate without him having a melt down, basically. Every day he was just angry. If one thing went wrong (like him not being able to find something he set down somewhere, which became an EVERY DAY event), he was freaking out.
Saying things like "yup, awesome, so glad life wants to mess me over" or "why does this always happen to me? Can't I just have a good freaking day for once?" But he always made it me and the kids problem.
If he lost something, it didn't matter what time of day it was, he was 100% flipping out and expecting me to find it for him. I even told him my oldest son had to go to the ER because he had a bad rash and he goes "have your mom take him" (because HE was using my vehicle).
Or the other day my mood has been soured due to his early morning freak out and it out me on a rough route. I was exhausted, running on 3 hours of sleep, and he rushed me out of the house to go do his errands with him (I didn't even get out of the car so it was pointless) and then gets angry and screams "what is your problem? Can't we just have a good day for once?"
As if I am the reason his life sucks. And this is NOT the man I married. So last night around 11:30pm he starts freaking out again. He lost an important item he needed for work.
He starts slamming things around our bedroom, repeatedly saying things like "great, awesome, love it" until I got up and start helping him look. As soon as I get up out of bed, he stops looking and just walks behind me holding his phones flash light. We can't find it.
He doesn't go to work as a result (another trait he's gotten since giving birth - he literally calls out over the wind blowing wrong). I lay back down. He practically body slams the bed beside me. Starts huffing and puffing, heavy sighing, growling while practically clawing at his face, talking about how stupid this life is.
I asked him to stop and he says "forget you". So I tell him I'm done. I'm leaving, and that me and my children's stuff will be out of the home by today. He says "whatever" and goes to sleep. I wake up at 5am and start packing.
He comes out around 7 asking what I'm doing and I tell him again that I'm done and I'm leaving. He says I'm leaving him in his time of need and he would "never do that" to me.
But he kind of did. Because I was diagnosed with PPD not even 4 days after giving birth and he completely over rode it and made it about him and how much his life sucks.
Ex: "I know you're feeling some type of way but I have anything going on too, no one asks me how I am" or literally making passive aggressive comments like "wish I could sleep all day" when I was 6 days postpartum, after I fell asleep on the couch (he does NO nighttime duty).
As I said, he says I'm leaving him in his time of need and that I should have urged him to get therapy instead of walking away. But his anger has made me hate him. I don't even want to be near him.
ETA: I'm just going to reiterate what I've said to some commenters. I have tried talking to him about this. It's an immediate blame shift the second that I bring up anything that is bothering me. He says I'm attacking him.
Says things like "as if you don't have issues that I have to deal with every day". Tells me it's all in my head and has even called me a narcissist quite a few times in the past 2 months.
Claiming that I'm accusing him of things because things aren't going my way. Often says he "does everything" and that we (me and my kids) "don't respect him". So, I have tried talking to him.
He's completely defensive and refuses to actually speak on issues. Outside of one single time, when he was drinking and admitted that he's being an AH and that we don't deserve to be treated this way.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
synchrohighway
NTA. There's no "good" time to tell someone it's over so might as well get it over with. He's way too old to be acting that way.
Chocholatedarling
NTA. Your husband's behavior has become unbearable and you're right to prioritize your mental health and the kids' well-being by leaving.
gordito_delgado
I 100% agree she should prioritize the kids and leave. I know how incredibly stressful a newborn is in even the best circumstances (with two parents really trying) - and this seems completely unbearable
One thing did catch my eye though, sudden personality shifts like this sometimes do have a medical explanation. Regardless of her choice, she should suggest that he should at least get a full check-up and head MRI.
CellistOk8023
Yes...this happened once to my mom's friend's husband when he got ALS...but we're still not sure if it was just poor coping with having a terminal illness or actual change to his brain. There are of course tons of stories on here of men changing once a baby is born, because the baby is getting the care and attention. Either way, good for OP.
JocastaH-B
"I should have urged him to get therapy."
So he knows he needs therapy but for some reason needs you to tell him to get therapy? No, NTA. An adult throwing baby tantrums is not something you need to put up with or something your children should be exposed to.